Okay, I give. You win. I'm beat! Is that what you want?

That is the question I want to ask my Athletic Director. He sold me out today. Here's the story:

Thursday, player A skips school and practice so she can baby sit her brother. Does her brother normally go to Daycare? Yes, she just decided to do this. So what happens? She can't play in Friday's game. Team policy: no practice before a game, no game. Player A bitches, moans and whines. She's a senior and one of my captians; this isn't news to her.

Monday: Player M skips class and now I have to kick her off the team. Player B almost gets into a fight and is suspended for two days and one game. Player D tells me she won't be at practice because she has a dr's appt and can't play because she's hurt. News to me. Then Player A comes to me and tells me that she isn't coming to practice because she has a job interview. My assistant coach told Player A that she'd meet her after the interview, run a practice with her so that she'd be elligible to play in the game the next day. Oh, and my assistant, coach J, did this WITHOUT consulting me. So coach J and I have it out because she decides it's time to tell me that I'm a horrible coach and she disagrees with pretty much everything I do.

Tuesday morning: I talk to my athletic direction (A.D.) and he totally supported me and told me not to start Player A, but to play her. He told me not to start her even though it was the senior's last home game. Game starts in a complete down pour. Well, she got pissed and left 10 minutes into the game. My AD's response was that she made her choice and had quit the team.

Today: Coach J comes in and tosses Player A's uniform at me and said she quit. I said she made that abuntantly clear and that was fine because she was done in my book anyway. Coach J starts to rip on me for not starting. I go off because I was following my AD's directive. I email AD and he tells me that Coach J and Player A need to both fess up to their mistakes and pull their heads out. He's tired of Player A's attitude that she is better than everyone else and that she needs to apologize to me and to the team. By the end of the day, his support had changed to once she apologizes, I have to let her back on the team.

So now I'm here with no apology, a snotty player who thinks she won, a team that is confused, and no authority whatsoever. I atleast still have her uniform and she has to apologize before I give it to her. Plus I have the power to put her ass on the bench.

In the end, my letter of resignation will be on my athletic director's desk at 7:15 tomorrow morning, affective at 5:30, the conclusion of our game. I feel like crap about the whole thing and feel like player A has not learned anything through this experience except that if she bitches and moans loud enough, she gets her way.

I know in the end, this is nothing. This is so insiginificant. I just feel like what I have tried to build in the last 4 years is dissolving quickly. However, I have my health, my family, my husband, and my baby.

This is nothing. This is a chapter of my life that I am closing. A bad season does not erase the good I have done, the lives I have affected, or the kids I have helped.

In closing, I'm moving on, but want to say. Go to hell Player A. Coach J, I hope you learn so maturity in a hurry. AD, you have lost my respect completely!

Now I'm done!

The Mean Me!

I find that there are days that I am really mean and I do not like the mean person that I am. I can be catty, judgemental, cruel, and mean spirited. I don't like that.

I don't think I can use pgcy hormones as an excuse because I know I'm like this at other times. I think I hit my nice limit and there's the uncontrollable explosion of ugliness. During these times, I am super critical and have very little tolerance for others. The good news is that rarely do I ever express this to someone other than my husband and it's never about him. But I leave my vent feeling almost dirty, hating the mean person I was.

For example, there's a man I teach with who is a very nice guy, but not necessarily a good teacher. It doesn't make him a bad person in my eyes, I just strongly disagree with how he runs our honors program. I think he's a very nice man, but I think he's killing our honors kids. I know I'm not the only one who thinks so because half of our AP English Lit class is made up of Juniors who chose to take that instead of taking his Honors American Lit class. People know it's a joke, yet our administration and department leadership does nothing because they are friends with him. That's not how you run things! And when asked, I have no qualms with saying this (just usually in more gentle and nicer way). But then I feel badly because he's a nice guy who always takes an interest in me and cares how I am doing. So why can't I overlook that part of him? Why can't I just accept that our honors program is that way and I'm not going to be able to fix it? Is it because I'd maime to be in charge of that program and think I could do a better job with it? Probably! So it's my own selfishness that causes me to be that mean.

Anyway, you get the idea.

I feel like such a horrible person when I'm this way. It seems that I can forgive many things in people, but being a bad teacher is something I can't overlook. It really, really bothers me when people are bad teachers. I have a hard time with that. Why? Probably because I think part of it is that they are too lazy to be good. Maybe because I see it as their fault that they are bad. Maybe because I'm scared to death that I'm as bad as they are?

So why do I even think these mean thoughts? Why do I have to voice them? Why can't I just see the positives in people and focus on that?

The worst part is that I am very aware that I am not flawless. I know that I'm not patient or compassionate when I'm tired. I know that I can be hot tempered. I know that I am extremely overly emotional.

I guess this is one of those things I am supposed to work on, but I seem to be failing miserably at it :(

Hormone-Driven Emotions

We just got off the phone with Dave (J's bro who is in Senegal with the peace corps) and now I'm an emotional wreck. It makes me sad that he's so far away and not here with us, especially now that the holidays are approaching. We got to spend the last few holidays with him and through the m/c last year, we became pretty close. I miss him a ton!

I know he's doing amazing things for people there and I know this is a great experience for him, but selfishly, I want him here with us to meet his first neice or nephew. I know it's only the first year he'll miss and by the time he comes back, he'll be here for when the baby goes through the more fun stage of walking, etc. I know we'll have to just work harder to give him updates and send him pictures, etc.

But me, in my highly emotional, whiney state, just wants him here!

19 Week Belly Pic

Here's another Belly Picture. I'll be 19 weeks on Monday.

Way too busy!

I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions these days.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed to say the least. I am just not dealing very well with all the stresses in my life.

The idea of becoming a parent is starting to scare the shit out of me. I have no idea how I am going to balance work and family. I have no idea how I am going to do this and it is really scary!

I'm not sure I've felt the baby move yet and that scares me... a lot. I know that some people don't feel anything until the 20th week, but I just have a tendency to worry.

I'm feeling okay most days, but I do still have some bad days. This week was definitely not a good week. I think it started with having my parents visit.

It was good to see them and it was nice to have them come down and visit us for a change. Plus, it means a lot that they would come down to watch one of my soccer games. I realize it isn't as fun since I'm not playing, but it still means a lot to me to have them come down and watch me coach. The one problem with having them here was that they wanted to be entertained. They got here on Sunday and I had made dinner (an all day undertaking). By the time we had dinner, cleaned up after dinner, had dessert, cleaned up again, I had very little time to do any lesson planning. Monday night was worse because we had late practice (4:30 to 6:30), then went to dinner at my in-laws. Tuesday night was my game at 7:00 at night. We tied a game we should have won, but we were down 1 to 3 for a while, so I was happy to at least come back.

Once they finally left, I was so incredibly exhausted, I could barely function. So the rest of the week was a struggle.

Maybe it's my exhausted-state, but I am finding that I am worrying a lot more about this undertaking.

Am I going to be a good Mom? Is my child going to be healthy? Will he or she be happy and fit in with his/her peers? Am I going to be able to provide the loving environment to raise a child? Am I going to be able to provide an environment that provides the proper discipline and structure for my child to learn? Am I going to be strong enough to make it through the growing years?

Wonderful Fall Saturday!

Today felt like the most perfect fall Saturday. I got up this morning mostly on my own, except for my dog that wanted to eat breakfast, at around 8:00. I watched a movie while eating my breakfast, then relished my long, hot shower. My early afternoon was spent, bundled up, with peppermint hot chocolate in hand, watching a women's college soccer game. It was a comfortable cool, grey day - cool enough to be comfortable in J's fleece and rain jacket, but warm enough to enjoy being outside.

After getting to watch one of my former soccer players get her first start in college, I headed to our Factory Store Shopping Mall where I met a friend for lunch and shopping. The planners of thie shopping center were smart enough to cover most of the walk ways, so when the rains started, we were still able to comfortable walk around. After looking at lots of very cute clothes that would in no way, shape, or form fit me, I spoiled myself by buying my birthday presents. (I know, I'm a bit early.) I looked at a few pairs of black dressish shoes, and eventually found a pair I loved. One problem: they were kids. Problem solved: Embarrassingly enough, I wear a 4.5 in girls' shoes. So for $24 I got a new pair of black work shoes to replace the ones that were falling apart and cut into my foot everytime I wore them. Just to spoil myself more, I found a pair of brown shoes to replace my 7 year old chucky shoes I currently wear all the time. I topped off my shopping trip with buying some really yummy smelling wax for my candle burner and two new maternity bras that are actually supportive enough to keep my mammath boobs up where they belong!

Now, after dinner, I'm lying in bed watching watching the US vs. Costa Rica soccer game. NOOOOOOO!!!! We're now down 0 to 1.

Part of what has made this such a great fall day is that I have gotten to watch soccer - good soccer. Not coach it, but watch it, appreciate it, and enjoy it. Plus, college ball is so incredibly different than high school soccer. The play is so much better, players are more skilled and it's far more intelligent play. Ahhh, wouldn't it be nice to coach at that level?

So, after quite a stressful week, I had a WONDERFUL day. I got to spend time with a friend, support a really great kid, watch some great soccer, spend time with my wonderful husband, cuddle with my dog, and now I'm enjoying my newest favorite drink: A Thomas Kemper Soda, today it's Classic Grape. Ahhh! Just what I needed!

Also, here are some new pics I just downloaded off the camera. The first is a pic from J's Livestrong Ride. (He's the one giving the thumbs up in the white jersey). He rode 105 miles in 6 hours. This is J as he's heading out on the ride. I'm so proud of him. The last two are my 17 week belly pics. Once again, I feel much bigger than I look. The random belly rubs from others have started and it's now obvious that I'm pregnant and no just fat :)

Quick update

Thanks for the well wishes girls!

Things are a bit better. I think they're going to be forced to have the Grievance Meeting without me. All of their suggested times are impossible for me since I have a game tomorrow after school, won't be at school on Monday, and our Parent-Teacher Conferences are on Tuesday. It doesn't seem that my principal is in any hurry to resolve this before Conferences. We informed him today that if he doesn't comply, then there will be $2000 of back pay owed to the staff at our school. He so far, doesn't seem to care.

The other building rep, the one who accused me of not being a team player and working against the community feeling, resigned from her job as the Senior Buildng Rep. I guess she finally got sick of the union telling her she was wrong all the time, because, well she was!

Hopefully this is behind me now!

Also, the parents that sent the email ripping me, telling me that I was a horrible teacher that didn't teach and lost their daughter's assignmenst (which she found in her binder) never responded to my email home and their daughter pouted through all of class today :) Hee, hee! Isn't that evil of me?

On another note, my Mom yelled at me last night when I told her that I switched from my prescription prenatals (which I was puking up everyday) to a generic brand (still 100% of everything) that I can keep down. Whew, can we say irrational? She had it in her head that my sister's aneurysm and my brother's friend's aneurysm were due to their mother's not taking prenatal vitamins (remember my sis is adopted). However irrational it was, she actually fessed up to it, apologized, and explained why she reacted that way. That's a huge step!

An uneasy peace

First I want to say to all my BBC friends, I'm sorry that I haven't been around. I just think that it's better that I'm not around while I'm so wrapped up in the drama at school.

Things are a bit resolved... maybe not resolved, but at least at an uneasy quiet.

My principal emailed me almost repeating word for word my request to have the union and the district deal with it, but of course was being a a typical chauvenistic pig and made it sound like he came up with the idea. Asshole!!!!

So at this point, he is not to talk to me about it and the union has set up an appointment to meet and file a formal grievance against him on the behalf of every staff member in our school. I'm still amazed he actually thought he would be able to bully me into leaving this alone. Whatever asshole!

I ripped into my student today whose parents sent me that horrible email. Why? Because she turned in late work yesterday. She turned in every single one of those assignments her parents accused me of losing.

I don't know why people ever thought I was a shmuck they could lie to, lie about, threaten or try to push around. Good thing they are wrong about me!

I HATE PEOPLE (some of them)!

So my bad day yesterday gave birth to an even worse day today!!!!

Well, as it stands now, we are filing an official grievance because my principal thought he could bully me out of following through on this issue.

He made so many hurtful and spiteful comments to me today. He was an English teacher, so he is the master of implications and inuendos.

He took a respectful heads up and turned it into this ridiculous pissing match. As J says, he was being "a little bitch," meant solely in the adolescent, immature, whiney, baby-ish sense.

I understand that for me this isn't personal. I may dislike my principal strongly, but I did all that I could to keep it professional. He is the one who made it something else. Once again, I'm told I'm not a team player, I'm creating division within the "family" (however immensely disfunctional it is). I'm also threatened with the ultimatum that if I press this issue, my principal will come down on everyone for their proper use of their prep time. I say BRING IT ON!!!!! If someone is screwing around on their prep time and not doing their job it is the responsibility of the administration to call them on it. WHY IS THAT SO HARD?!?!?!?!

This school asks more from us than any other school in the district. We have before and afterschool duties, Sr project kids we monitor and grade papers for (no extra pay), advisory kids that we're responsible for, and no extra time to do it. In fact, we had our grading days taken away from us, too. So now we have more responsibility and even less time to do it. And now I am being told I am the destroyer of free will.

As if all this wasn't enough, I got the meanest email from some parents who are being told half the story. It was basically a "how can you call yourself a teacher?" type email.

So in-closing, I must say...

I am thankful for the gifts of my baby, my husband, my family, and my friends but...

I HATE MY FUCKING JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I hope you have people's support on this"

Yes, that was the snotty remark I got from one of my co-workers today. She's supposed to be our Senior Building Rep for the union and she has no desire to support me in what I'm doing.

Here's the story:

We received a copy of our schedule for our Parent-Teacher Conferences. We are given 90 minutes for our lunch/prep time. The problem with this is that we are supposed to be given 115 minutes (85 minutes for prep and 30 minutes for lunch). I did my research and made sure that I was right, had the union support, and was handling this in the best way. I also got another building rep in on this with me so I wasn't going this alone.

We tried to meet with my principal, but he was too busy to meet with us, so I emailed him. It was the textbook, kiss-ass email. "We realize this is the way it has been done and hasn't been questioned before..." "This is our building's issue, so we'd like to help you solve the problem..." "We wanted to give you a heads up before the union stepped in formally..." Instead of dealing with me, he contacted a building rep who is in the administration's back pocket. She's the one who told me (after I blew the whistle on an attempt by the administration to have us work without getting paid) that "that's not how we do things here..." "You're not a team player."

My principal dismissed my email, saying that I was wrong in how I read the contract (it's not hard to read, thanks though) and set the ass-kissing building rep loose on me trying to get me to shut up. She basically told me that people were going to be pissed off at me and I was sticking my nose in where it didn't belong. She also told me that I better be sure I have people on my side because I'm causing division among our membership.

Who in their right mind wouldn't want the other 30 minutes of prep time they are owed?

Who wouldn't want to have 30 minutes more prep time and 30 minutes less time in Parent Conferences?

Does she really think that people are going to be mad at me for getting them more time; time which we never seem to have enough of?

The only way I can see people being mad at me is if our principal decides to be an ass and start policing people's behavior during their prep time and making sure people are only planning during that time. My response is SO WHAT?!?!?! Why should we be allowed to do other things on our prep other than school work? Why shouldn't we use the time we are paid for? Maybe if everyone followed the rules a little more, we'd stop having people fired for misusing their leave. Maybe people would get their job done during hours more and stop playing this "Martyr" role and just do their jobs.

So, I'll take my "not-a-team-player" self, go to work in the morning, face the backlash from my principal and the other building rep and TEACH my kids, which should be my first priority, not my afterthought.