The Mean Me!

I find that there are days that I am really mean and I do not like the mean person that I am. I can be catty, judgemental, cruel, and mean spirited. I don't like that.

I don't think I can use pgcy hormones as an excuse because I know I'm like this at other times. I think I hit my nice limit and there's the uncontrollable explosion of ugliness. During these times, I am super critical and have very little tolerance for others. The good news is that rarely do I ever express this to someone other than my husband and it's never about him. But I leave my vent feeling almost dirty, hating the mean person I was.

For example, there's a man I teach with who is a very nice guy, but not necessarily a good teacher. It doesn't make him a bad person in my eyes, I just strongly disagree with how he runs our honors program. I think he's a very nice man, but I think he's killing our honors kids. I know I'm not the only one who thinks so because half of our AP English Lit class is made up of Juniors who chose to take that instead of taking his Honors American Lit class. People know it's a joke, yet our administration and department leadership does nothing because they are friends with him. That's not how you run things! And when asked, I have no qualms with saying this (just usually in more gentle and nicer way). But then I feel badly because he's a nice guy who always takes an interest in me and cares how I am doing. So why can't I overlook that part of him? Why can't I just accept that our honors program is that way and I'm not going to be able to fix it? Is it because I'd maime to be in charge of that program and think I could do a better job with it? Probably! So it's my own selfishness that causes me to be that mean.

Anyway, you get the idea.

I feel like such a horrible person when I'm this way. It seems that I can forgive many things in people, but being a bad teacher is something I can't overlook. It really, really bothers me when people are bad teachers. I have a hard time with that. Why? Probably because I think part of it is that they are too lazy to be good. Maybe because I see it as their fault that they are bad. Maybe because I'm scared to death that I'm as bad as they are?

So why do I even think these mean thoughts? Why do I have to voice them? Why can't I just see the positives in people and focus on that?

The worst part is that I am very aware that I am not flawless. I know that I'm not patient or compassionate when I'm tired. I know that I can be hot tempered. I know that I am extremely overly emotional.

I guess this is one of those things I am supposed to work on, but I seem to be failing miserably at it :(