I feel like the world's worst mother

I knew it was coming. We had small tastes of what it could be... and I remember what I was like when I was a kid.

Jana threw a whopper of a temper tantrum today. She took Uncle P's cell phone and he let her play with it (unfortunately Aunt M started that trend earlier in the day and we never let her play with our cell phones anymore. I probably should have said more than I did, but they weren't picking up on the hints of that's not okay, but I didn't want to make a huge deal in front of all of J's family.) She started putting it in her mouth (she's teething again), so I took it away.

She was screaming, crying, throwing herself around (including hitting her head on the corner of the coffee table, which didn't help). I picked her up and moved her, not cuddled her and J snapped at me for coddling her. So he moved her away from me and let her throw the biggest fit, including hitting her head on the coffee table. I was trying to pick her up and move her to the other room - away from everyone so she didn't have an audience.

J's philosophy is to ignore her until she is done. He keeps asking her if she's done yet. I don't think she is old enough to be trying that logic with her. My thought was to remove her from who she was performing for and distract her with something else - Not give her hugs or attention, but say hand her her toy cell phone that was an okay thing for her to play with. (You know like we did when training the dog- take away the thing she shouldn't have and give her the one she should have.)

How do you teach a 13 month old that keys, credit cards, phones, and remotes are not for her in such a way that there isn't this temper tantrum every time? She's not a dumb kid - she knows what she wants. Taking away the phone and giving her a toy doesn't work most of the time.

So, how do you handle this situation? I'd love to hear some of the ways that you guys handle these situations. No judgments- I just need some other ways real moms do this - not what the books and experts say.

Work Situation

I'm technically a contract worker for the state. It's a year to year thing. I've made a lot of friends this year and have proven my worth to them. When asked to do something, I do it immediately and to my own perfectionist standards. Since I don't have other duties at work other than what they give me, I can be pretty efficient and with a short turn around, unlike all the "employees" that I work with for they have many jobs and duties.

Also, despite my age (although I look far younger than I am), I have no problems or hesitations with telling older people what they are doing wrong and how to fix it - in a nice way of course! So, people are anxious to work with me because I take initiative and many of them feel like they have a second "lead" on the trip instead of the others who wait to be told what to do.

So, I guess there was an extensive discussion about me and my contract for next year. They director wanted to know if they could put out a different contract for me and have me be a lead and actually one of the main organizers of this program. This is a huge compliment to me and would be a huge help to my direct boss who has to do all of this herself now, on top of all of the duties she had before they gave her this job too.

After much discussion, it was decided that, no I shouldn't be a lead, but could handle all the responsibility of organizing the program. The only reason they decided against it was because "I'm too young and district superintendents would 'eat me alive."

First of all, I'd like to add one comment: I'd like to see them try to "eat me alive!" I'd think that after this long of working with me, they'd know that I don't back down. This was my gut reaction when I was told this. I was furious! Did they really think I couldn't handle myself? Had I not proven to them how I deal with people?

Then I cooled off and thought about it.

I know it is technically age discrimination, but ego aside, I can't say that I disagree with them. It's not that I'm only 30 and dealing with people in their (s0me 40s) mostly 50s to 60s, but I look young. I think many people look at me and think that I'm a teen parent. I dress very professionally, but in the end, I still look very young. So, I can't say that I blame them... no matter how much I want to.

Is it age discrimination, though? I've met the type of people they are talking about and I understand completely. There are some amazing people out there - some real pieces of work. I don't think it really is discrimination though. It was something new they were going to try for me. They aren't going to offer it to anyone else, because there isn't anyone else they would feel good about doing it. I'm just a contractor, so it's not like they are refusing me for a promotion or anything, it would just be a different contract for next year.

I'm not really mad about it. Okay, a little ego-wise and because I would really love to have the increase in stature, so to speak, in the job. (I think I now understand how important it is to have the opportunity to move up in jobs and have promotions. I never understood before when I was teaching because there was no where to go without leaving the classroom.)

Plus I know that next year is going to be a challenge anyway, so I don't need more work, responsibility, and accountability.

The ego boost would have been nice, but it was really nice to even be considered.

Writing it so I can move on.

I feel like all I've done on here is whine lately, but I'm hoping that I can start to get over this soon so I can move on. So hopefully this will be my last vent/whining session.

Why am I in such a funk? Everything is fine - I should be happy. I can't tell what is worse: the way I feel or how mad I am at myself for feeling this way. I know it's not helpful, but I feel guilty for feeling this way when I know there are people struggling with things that are so much bigger than my dumb issues and they are handling it so much better than I am.

I work next week. On one hand I'm really excited to get out and do something different than our daily routine. I get to feel like a professional again, work with some adults, and feel like a productive member of society again. However, I don't want to be away from Jana for two days. I think this just typifies my wacko-frame of mind right now. I want to be away from her, yet dread being away from her. I can't wait for her to take naps during the day, but then have this crazy and irrational desire to go wake her up at night so I can be with her. I swear I'm becoming (or become more of) a nut job as time goes on.

My mom told me that something was going on with my sister, but wouldn't tell me what. After pressing a bit, because of me worrying about Kaley's health, she fessed up to part of it. Craig, my brother in law, is having some problems. I don't know if I've talked about this but because they live in AK, they have terrible health insurance and couldn't afford to have kids. C finally got a job, instead of working with their own business, so they could have health insurance. C is older, I think he's 42ish and K is 34 this month. They moved to Alaska because of his job and then they ended up leaving that a company and starting their own business. It's been tight, but K has worked very hard and has taken it over basically. C did nothing really for months and then he got this job offer and took the job. Well, so I've been told, that he quit his job last week, but luckily, his boss didn't accept his resignation and made him go to a counselor. The counselor immediately referred him to dr because it was more than she could handle. The dr did a full physical and also a mental screening. He was diagnosed with clinical depression and I guess found some other things too, that mom wouldn't go into with me.

I've always worried about K and C. They seemed so much happier when they were dating and moved away from all of us soon after getting married. They have a strong group of friends up there, but C always seems to do thoughtless and careless things that none of us ever understood. I know K wants kids, but there has always been something in the way: her health, or insurance issues. It's been hard to talk to her since I got pregnant again because I know that is what she wants and she feels time ticking away.

K and I have always had a weird relationship. Part of that is because we're 4 years apart and she always saw me as being the dumb little sister and I always saw her as being the mean older sister. But, whenever it's something big, we're there for each other. We drove up when she had her aneurysm, and she flew down when Jana was born. The day to day interactions are strained more often than not, but I still love her dearly and am worried about her.

So, this is part of the reason I feel like such a jerk for being in a funk. I'm not dealing with these tough issues that others are.

But all I want to do is sleep (or lay down and do nothing). If it wasn't for Jana, I'm not sure I'd get out of bed. I have no interest in eating and don't eat much during the day, except for dinner (probably part of making my heartburn worse). I thought part of it was the gray-gloomy weather, but it's been nice the last two days and it hasn't been that much better. I know J's exhausted too, but he has to function at a higher level than I do, but I get so frustrated with him when he comes home and immediately gets on his computer instead of spending time with Jana - to give me a rest. I was almost in tears last night when I was doing the dishes after giving Jana a bath alone (it's getting harder and harder to do that by myself and J just disappeared).

I think part of it is that I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. I know this baby is going to come and everything is going to change. I really want to start running and training for a race- any race, just something. I really want to start on my diet and lose weight. I really want to start feeling good, not embarrassed about how I look. I know that I'm pregnant and look pregnant, but I also know that I am chubby. I'm sick of it. I just want to get started on being me again, not mommy and a pregnant woman. I know I will regret wishing time would speed up and not treasuring every moment with Jana now. I just can't help feeling like I just want to get started.

Maybe now that I've vented, I'll feel better and a nap will help.

Learning Everyday!

I wish it was just Jana that was learning everyday, but she seems to be teaching us plenty... about how we are so incredibly not prepared for an active, inquisitive, and some times devious toddler.


Lesson #1:

First, she decided that she wanted to do laps around the futon. Three out of the four sides are not a problem; it's that last side that told us we need to either block it off completely or make it passable by the squirt.


This is looking down at her. The arm of the futon is in front of her and the sliding glass door is behind her. And yes, she is kneeling in the basket full of dog towels


Now she's trying to get out of the basket on the other side by using her music table.



Lesson #2

Look very, very carefully to the side of her head by her eye and just below her eye. Yup, that's right. We learned how to take the lid off pens today!

Here are the close ups!



Lesson #3: No pics.

J has been getting on my case about being sure to close drawers. Well, after getting a knife out of the drawer, he forgot to close it and Jana closed her finger in it, slicing it open. Poor little thing has her first band-aid.

Another day, another set of lessons the mama and dada are learning!

Awake again

It seems to be a weekly occurrence, but here I am, awake, with too much on my mind.

I feel so guilty. I've been so tired lately, so I'm not doing a good job of keeping up on the house cleaning or cooking. I honestly don't know what happens to my time, but I don't seem to have much of it these days. Jana's naps seem to go by so quickly and I discover it's time to go again. I did manage to vacuum the downstairs rugs once this week and swept the downstairs once, but not much of anything else got done. I get so frustrated, but at the same time, I have no energy.

As I listen to my poor daughter struggling to fall back to sleep, I'm feeling terribly guilty. I just needed to check on her. I've found myself watching her sleep the last few days. She's so peaceful, precious, and cute. Unfortunately this time she woke up and started screaming at me for waking her up. I didn't mean to. The worst part is J woke up and got mad at me for her screaming because he knew I went in to check on her. I just love to watch her sleep. I love her dearly and love that sweet and spunky personality, but she barely stops long enough for me to give her a little hug and a kiss when she's awake. I feel like I miss her when she's sleeping. I definitely need the break when she's sleeping, but can't seem to get enough of her.

I feel like I'm being a bad mom. I know part of it is my outrageous level of hormones right now, but I feel like I'm on the edge of tears all the time. I'm so tired, sore, and uncomfortable (and I know it's going to only get worse) that I find myself counting down time instead of enjoying the moments. I know I'm going to be so sad when another milestone passes and she's less of a baby, and I just don't appreciate it enough. I'm glad she's a happy, active, and independent little girl, but I miss the cuddling, the hugs, the burying her head in my chest. While the belly makes it difficult to cuddle her, she doesn't seem interested in the cuddling - she just wants to move and play.

It's always something, isn't it?!?!

There's always something to worry about with kids, huh?

My newest concern is Jana's eating... what she's eating. After getting so sick with the stomach bug, the poor kid would eat so much! She totally chunked up! Well, now we're back to eating a bit more normally.

I asked my mother in law yesterday about how much milk she should be drinking in a day. She gave me a handout that had the USDA Food and Nutrition Guidelines for 1-2 year olds (my mil is a child development specialist, so she has all kinds of stuff like that).

I discovered that I'm totally overfeeding her.

Here is what the guidelines say:

Breakfast: 1 serving milk, 1 fruit/vegetable, 1 grain.

Lunch/Dinner: 1 milk, 2 fruit/vegetable, 1 meat, 1 grain

Snack: 2 of the following (1 milk, 1 fruit/vegetable, 1 grain, or 1 meat)

Total: (excluding snack) 3 milk, 5 fruit/veggie, 3 grain + choices for snack

This is her normal daily intake:

Breakfast : bottle, 1 piece of toast, oatmeal, and applesauce (1 milk, 2 grain, 1/2 grain, 1 fruit)
Lunch: Grilled Cheese, 1/2 babyfood veggie, fruit (2 grain, 1 meat, 1 veggie, 1 fruit)
Dinner: 1/2 Babyfood meal, peas & carrots, fruit (1 meat, 2 veggies, 1+ fruit)
Bedtime: bottle (1 milk)

Total: 2 milk, 6 fruit/veggie, 5ish grains, so she's short 1 milk and over by 2 grains and 1 f/v.
Yikes! No wonder she's got those chubby cheeks! I tried to scale it back today, but breakfast was rough because she was still hungry. Poor kid.

Here's today:

Breakfast: bottle, 1 small banana/wheat muffin, applesauce, a few cheerios (1 milk, 1+ grain, 1+ fruit)
Lunch: 1/2 grilled cheese, 1/2 babyfood peas, 1/2 pear (2 grain, 1 meat, 1 veggie, 1 fruit)
Dinner: 2 oz of milk, 1/2 babyfood meal, peas & carrots, banana, 1/2 zwieback toast (1/2 milk, 1 meat, 1+ veggie, 1+ fruit, 1/2 grain)

Total: 2 1/2 milk, 6 f/v, 5 grain. Grrr! I thought we did better than that. I didn't even include the juice she drinks :(

I guess we're not horrible and she's not huge, but I'd rather not be overfeeding her. I'm really careful about what I feed her. We try to do all fresh fruit, but if we can't I do no sugar added canned varieties. We're going to try some frozen. So, I'm really careful about her sugar intake. She still only drinks juice that is 50/50 with water or just water. She only gets whole wheat noodles, homemade muffins with whole wheat flour, and whole wheat bread.

I guess I wouldn't be me if I didn't have something to stress about, right?

Unable to sleep... again.

Why, oh why am I so tired during the day that I nod off if I sit still for too long, but cannot fall asleep at night? J went to bed almost two hours ago, and yet here I am, on the couch, wide FREAKING awake.

I cannot seem to shut off my mind. Here are a few of the things flying through my brain.

1. We have or have ordered everything we think we need to have this baby. We finally have a mattress in the second crib, a changing pad for the changing table, mattress pads, changing table cover, changing table, and stroller (the last two at least ordered). We have yet to paint the baby's room and I honestly am not so sure that it is actually going to happen, but I can hope.

2. (No offense is intended Suzi if you read this; I'm just trying to decompress so I can sleep!) What do we do about Brad possibly living with us? It's only a month to a month and a half. It would save them money, trouble, the headache. He would have a fully furnished (or overly furnished since it is the nursery/guestroom) room to stay in. He could have hot meals to come home to if he chose to eat my cooking (always a gamble :) ). They wouldn't have to spend the excess money that it takes to rent an apartment (since they are insisting on paying us some kind of rent). They wouldn't have to move any furniture here for him to live on. He could enjoy some company and not be alone in not only a new town, but new part of the country. Here is what I am scared of, though: Suzi and I have been friends since we were 4. But, despite my considering her my best friend, have been left to monthly phone calls and maybe bimonthly emails because we have lived across the country from each other and have busy lives. We even went to different middle and high schools, so it has been kind of a distance friendship for a really long time. It's going to be way different living close to each other. I'm scared I'm going to drive her crazy. I guess I'm scared that she's not going to like who I am now, when she gets to know me better now that she's close. I'm scared that being close in proximity is going to ruin our friendship. But even before they move here, what if Brad lives with us and doesn't like us by the end of it?

3. Money. Holy crap, we spent a lot of it today. Was that wise? Was it really what we need? Should we have tried to live without these things? Do we have enough to really afford them?

Here is what we did:
1. Jogger/Bike trailer. J has been wanting a bike trailer since before we had Jana. I didn't let him buy one last year because I said it was dumb to buy a single if we were thinking about having a second child anytime soon. He LOVES to bike and he wants to share that with Jana and #2. He wants us to be able to go on family bike rides. I LOVE to run. I need a jogger that I can take both of the kids in, so I can do something for me: run. We, of course, bought the top of the line one (because J doesn't know how to do anything else). It is a $500 trailer/stroller. We had $250 in store credit and $100 off coupon - so it actually only cost us $150 before we started buying the add ons. In all we spent $320 on it. I will most likely use it daily or every other day and J would like us to use it as the bike trailer on the weekends. Did we NEED it? No probably not.

2. A new dresser for Jana. She has our old one. J really wanted her to have a matching set. It will double as a changing table for as long as she needs one, so I can have the other changing table downstairs. That way, I'm not running upstairs to change diapers all the time when we have two in diapers. Necessary? Not at all.

3. My dream stroller. Our old neighbors gave us their old double stroller. It's heavy, huge, ugly, but works just fine. It was also free. I've been drooling over this stroller for months. http://www.philandteds.com/cat.htm
It's small, very light weight and can be a single or a double stroller - which is awesome since I don't have a decent single stroller, only an umbrella stroller that I hate when I go shopping or anything. It is light weight, handles like a dream and can be used for a long time. It can carry two toddlers and will go back to being a single when Jana wants to walk. Was it necessary? No. Could we live without it? Of course.

So we have blown a crap load of money on things we really could live without. Our tax return will more than cover it, but the summer months are going to be really tight and I was hoping we'd have all that to help us. Plus, soon I'm going to be buying diapers for two, and clothes for two. I don't know if I'll have any income over the summer. I'm not sure we can really live on J's alone.

I guess it's not a huge surprise that I can't sleep, now is it?!?!

Word Choice

This is a category in which I grade my students' essays - meaning are they using a variety of words to convey their meaning, tone, and perspective? This is supposed to be an area in which I objectively grade their essays.

Word choice is far more than that, though. A sentence can be written in countless ways to convey the same literal meaning, but the words chosen by the author add power and slant to the sentence.

Words carry a heavy burden - a burden that is not the same to each individual reader. Words can sting, degrade, and destroy; however, they can also make us feel such joy and love.

After reading a post on someone's blog that I have come to respect immensely, I am faced with the idea of examining my own word choice. At first her words stung - with feelings of guilt - for I became aware of her feelings and thoughts when she heard or read that word.

I have become very aware that I use the word "blessed" quite often. Overused and misused? I don't know; I had never thought about it before.

It started when Jana was born. After being so heartbroken when I lost the first baby and unable to understand God's role in my life, I struggled to find the words to express my gratitude to God for Jana's health and good nature despite her early birth. Lucky was certainly not the right word and so I settled on "blessed" because, in my mind, it wasn't dumb luck, but God's amazing gift.

I had never thought about it sounding arrogant - that I am blessed because I was able to reproduce successfully, implying others are not blessed if they cannot. No offense was ever intended.

I do adamantly believe that the easy and hard aspects in our lives are there for reasons.

Here is one of the reasons I believe this. My parents struggled with infertility for 5 years before deciding to adopt. As I have lately discovered, my parents sought many procedures for help in conceiving; all of which ended in early failure or miscarriage. So my parents decided to pursue adoption. They adopted my brother and 14 months later adopted my sister. Four years later, my mom seemed to have the flu that wouldn't go away and I am now blessed with my family and siblings. Are Ryan and Kaley my brother and sister? Absolutely- 100%. Would I be the person I am today without their influence in my life? No way! Do I believe that my parents were blessed with the adoption of my siblings? Absolutely!

So, do my blessings of pregnancy and Jana make me any more blessed or special than a person who is unable to get pregnant? Heck no!

I never thought of my saying the phrase - "I'm so blessed," as being or sounding arrogant. In my journey to rediscover my faith and celebrate God in my life, I find myself falling desperately short when it comes to the word choice to acknowledge the amazing gifts in my life. I feel so overwhelmed with emotion when I stop to think about how much I appreciate what I have in my life. It's not just the material items, but the people that love and support me, my talents, who I am, etc.

So, what does the word "blessed" mean when I say it? It means that there is something in my life that God has provided that is so wonderful and amazing that I can't help but think that God has given me a gift I don't deserve. "Blessed," in my mind, is the word I use to describe these wonderful things that I have in my life through God's grace. "Blessed" is my lame attempt to give praise and thanks to God.

Suggestions Welcome

So, I think I'm going to drive myself crazy in the next 10 to 15 weeks. I'm annoying myself and feel like I'm being such a weenie and I don't know how to get out of it.

Please don't think that I don't believe that this pregnancy is such a blessing. I'm so thankful that we never had to go through all of what we did to get Jana and that how great it is going to be to have them so close together so I get to be home with both of them. With all that said...

I am so tired of being pregnant, already! I try not to complain too much, but I'm finding that I am and it's driving me nuts. My belly is already bigger than it ever was with Jana. My belly is supposedly measuring ahead. The baby is so low now that when I stand up, I feel all this pressure on my bladder. I swear I pee every 15 min, and it is barely anything. My back kills all the time from the belly and from carrying Jana around. If I wear any shoes other than my slippers, my sciatic nerve acts up so much that my leg gives out on me. I can't bend over without feeling ill because I feel like I'm squishing my belly. I can't sleep at night because I can't get comfortable. If I lay on my side, my shoulder and arm fall asleep, waking me up. If I roll too far onto my stomach, I'm more comfortable, but I think the baby gets squished and starts kicking me to move. So, I wake up so often at night and am exhausted all the time.

Every little thing makes me wonder when I'm going to go into labor early again. I'm already worrying about when that will be. Will my water just break and go straight into contractions that are 3 minutes apart again? What will I do with Jana? How will I get a hold of J? Will anyone be around to help us with Jana? They say that labor goes faster with the second- that scares the crap out of me because it was so fast and so intense so quickly. What if I'm stuck at home with no way to the hospital? What if this one has to be in NICU like Jana? I can't spend that many nights away from Jana, but I can't be that far away from the baby either.

Everyday that I see that I'm only 25 weeks, I can't believe I have 10 to 15 more weeks to go. I wonder how the hell I'm going to make it that much longer... and am probably going to get more sore and more uncomfortable.

I'm scared to death that I won't be as good of a mother to either of them because I have two. What if Jana doesn't feel as loved and secure as she does now because I can't seem to balance them both? What if I don't do a good enough job of providing that loving and secure environment for this one? Am I going to miss out on things with Jana because I'm devoting more time to the baby? I know I've whined about this before, but I'm really starting to freak out about it. (Hell, I'm now in tears again.)

I hate being a whiner like this.

I hate that I'm getting frustrated with J because he doesn't help out as much as I want him to at night. In my head I know he's exhausted because I'm waking him up at night, he's working really hard, he's far behind on his grading, and working so hard to balance everything, but those feelings of frustration creep in.

I feel like I need something to look forward to that is a little more immediate. I wish I had something like a playgroup or a friend that we do weekly coffee dates or something.

I think part of my problem is that I get kind of lonely during the day (which is funny for me to say since I was just complaining about how I don't have time to do anything). My closest friends all work during the day, so they can only do things in the afternoons or evenings, but that is when J is home. I've contacted the MOMS group in my area and they won't return my phone calls or emails (grrrr!). The Meet up group that I joined only meets on weekends or after 6 pm, which is Jana's daddy time. I'm tempted to start a stay-at-home mom's Meet up group, but am scared the planning and organizing will take up too much time. There has been talk at church about starting a stay-at-home Mom's group, but I haven't heard anything else about it. We have no Gymboree or anything like that near us.

I absolutely need to get out of this funk! I live such a blessed and amazing life that I feel like a total jerk for feeling this way. I know there are people that would love to have what I have and here I am complaining.

Any ideas on how to pull myself out of this? I'd love to hear them.