Because it's fun

So, we've had what could easily have been the worst day of my life.

To sum it up, Jana was a toddler, Mama overestimated Jana's maturity and my own abilities and we ended up in a situation where Jana took off to go down the escalator, freaked out, grabbed me, I lost my balance while holding Kara, went over the top of Jana and fell down the escalator, doing two somersaults. By God's grace, Kara didn't hit on the first somersault, and only has two small bruises as evidence of the second somersault. I'm pretty bruised up, have a big purple ankle, and actually have stripes on my shoulder from the grating on the escalator steps, but thank God Kara and Jana are fine.

So after feeling like a horrible mom for most of the day, and extremely grateful for God's protection of the girls in what could have been a horrible, horrible situation, I need something cheery.

I stole this from Sheri. The rule is to highlight what you've done.

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (does creating the backgrounds for blogs count?)

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

100. Totally copied a post from someone else's blog to your own

46/100. Wow, I haven't traveled much outside (or inside for that matter) the US.

Wallowing

It is my goal to write more often... and see if any of my readers come back, but there are two things keeping me from writing on a regular basis. 1. I'm ridiculously busy. 2. I don't have a whole lot that is positive to say these days.

Gripes:

1. I'm so stinkin' busy with my 6 part time jobs (I only get paid for 5 of them, though because I haven't really been hired to teach the exercise classes yet, but I'm teaching them 1 or 2 times a week, plus practice time). I'm so scattered that I can't seem to do anything right these days.

2. I can't figure out what is going on at the gym. I keep insisting that I want brutally honest feedback and that I don't want them to sugar coat it, just be honest. Yet, all I'm hearing is that I'm doing great, keep practicing, but they won't hire me to sub yet. WTF!!! The only thing that I can come up with and keep coming back to is that I'm not the typical exercise instructor - I'm not stick thin and gorgeous - which seems to be the bias of this company.

3. I tried so hard to apply for that job at the dept of ed, but my application got bounced because the file was too big and I didn't get the notification in enough time to resize it and send it back. Now, there's a hiring freeze and there aren't going to be any of the other jobs.

4. I can't seem to make any serious progress on my weight. I have no will power toward sweets and half the time, I'm not even paying attention to what I'm eating. I don't realize what I've eaten until I stop and think about it - there's just not enough time to make good choices.

5. I just feel so worthless... to the greater world.

6. In the grand scheme of things, my life isn't horrible... I'm pretty darn blessed. But, I can't seem to pull myself out of this funk. I just feel horrible most of the time. Grrrr!

Lost

I'll start with my completely emotional and probably irrational vent.

Vent:

I need someone to vent to, so unfortunately this gets to be it. I've mentioned a bit about the management of the club I work for right? It's terrible. So, I was sent to get trained to teach this class and was told that I was first on the list to get a class.

I just found out that a class opened up and was given to a girl I took the class with. "According to feed back from members and employees" she is a better instructor. We did our team teaching together and I taught the hard songs and she got the easy songs. Those two classes are the only times she's team taught. Her tracks (songs) were so easy that there is really no way to teach those tracks badly, unless you don't know them at all. I had the 3 hardest tracks of the entire 11 track program. WTF!!!!! He's never seen either one of us teach. I'm so pissed! I'm more convinced than ever that this club is ridiculous! I've busted my behind (just like her). The onlly differences are that she's 6'2" and a size 2 and friends with the ridiculous lady that is in charge of training us. I know I'm sounding like a big baby, but I'm very ticked off. I feel like such an idiot for even trusting that he was going to follow through with getting me a class after saying that I was "first on the list." I think she is good and she could be better than me, but how would anyone know because we've taught the same amount, but drastically different difficulty levels and the "boss" hasn't seen either one of us teach. This is such BS.

I realize that we team-taught at the club that she goes to on a regular basis, so she knows people and people gave her more positive feed back than me because they knew her. However I still feel like that is unreliable feedback as a measurement of quality! I will never have a shot at any classes an my neighborhood club because those instructors aren't going anywhere, so that is an advantage that I'll never have.
*****

I'm so irrationally mad that I'm ready to quit everything at the club today. I feel like I've been used. I feel like he invited me to go to the training to have enough numbers to have the training and had no intention of ever hiring me. Ass hole!!!

I'm trying to keep faith that "things will work out", but it's so hard. We're on a very, very tight budget. We're trying to "undo" our poor management of our finances in our early marriage. We've changed the way we live, spend, communicate, in an effort to be debt free.

I'm working 5 part-time jobs (6 if you count this attempt to teach the exercise class) so that we can have extra income, but yet keep me at home with the girls during the day.

We were so excited about how things were going to work out and looking at being able to make some significant progress on our debt. We did an amazing job of paying things off between October and May. Since May, we've paid off very little and have accrued more debt (in the name of stupidity, my inlaws, and making sure my sil had a photographer at her wedding). With the jobs I had lined up, I was going to be making more money, so we were really excited.

I should have known!

First: The contract for another Dept. of Ed. was supposed to come through during the summer so I could work on it. I am still waiting for my signed contract back and am starting to doubt that it is going to happen. (Result: Possibly -$10k of money we had planned on)

Next: My normal contract for the Dept of Ed came back much smaller than I had expected and in previous years. The first year, I made $25k for them, last year $23k (between a couple of contracts), and this year $16k. Ouch, but we can still manage.

Next: They cancel over half of my contract and now my contract is for $7k. (Result: - $18k of money we had planned on)

Next: They change the subbing system for the school district. To get jobs you have to be able to answer the phone and respond at that moment that you can or cannot sub for that job. First, how many mothers of 2 toddlers can consistently get to the phone before it stops ringing? Second, I have to ask my in laws if they are available to watch the girls before I can sub. So, I can never seem to get any jobs. (Result: - a minimum of $750 PER MONTH now that I can't get consistent jobs.)


Lastly: I took a $300 gamble to get trained for this exercise class. I have spent between 10 and 20 hours a week practicing for this and now it looks as though I will not be getting a class, meaning not only will I not get enough hours in to get reimbursed for the class, but I won't actually be able to teach to make any money doing it. I just feel sick that I am that much of a schmuck.

It's no wonder that I am having to look at having to go back to work full time.

It makes me sick that someone will be spending more time with my kids than I am. (Please don't ever read that as a criticism of working parents. You all are much stronger than I because I still can't not cry when I think of this.)

I feel so lost. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing with my life right now, except to be raising these girls. But I'm not even doing that very well because I'm too tired and scattered from working all these jobs.

As soon as I get paid for my job last month and the job this week, we'll be fine for a few months. And IF I get my contract and can start working for Idaho, then we'll be okay for a little bit longer. BUT I'm starting to get scared about our ability to make it.

We need to refinance the house and get out from under the adjustable and try to lock in a low rate ASAP. We have a hard time doing this because I am self employed and my contracts are so bad this year that I look like I only have either $7k or $17k of income. (I doubt they'd even look at my employment with the club because my paychecks are a joke!)

I sooooo want to stay home with my girls. In a perfect world, I'd be home with my girls, do some occasional consulting, and teach exercise classes at the gym.

I soooooo want to be out of debt so I can do that. But we're not. We're not getting further in debt, but we're not making any progress with my piddly income.

I have no idea what to do. We've got to provide a loving and stable environment for the girls. It is very apparent that is suffering these days because I'm so inconsistent with my schedules, gone in the evenings, and tired and cranky a lot. I'm either getting 6.5 or 7 hours of sleep and not getting to work out at all, or I'm getting 5 hours of sleep and getting up at 4:30 am to exercise. Either way leaves me cranky.

I feel like I'm a horrible mother. Jana can be such a challenge. She hits, yells, screams, and throws temper tantrums. She is constantly hitting Kara. I'm so scared the girls are going to hate each other. I'm so worried that we're raising Jana to be a brat. I'm so overwhelmed with fear that we're not doing a good enough job parenting these girls and they could grow up to be mean, horrible people.

I feel like I'm losing control on my life. I feel like I'm trying so hard to do good things, but failing miserably at them all.


And in the end, I feel like such a jerk for even complaining. (I'm trying to keep a good face, so really not many people know I'm this upset about all of it - apparently I'm doing a good job of pretending that I'm rolling with the punches well. So, I guess this is my outlet.) There are so many people with so many more important things going on in their lives, yet I can't keep it together with just these things.