Just Call Me Mama

Welcome to my blog and the inner-workings of my brain. This is my method of coping with my life: the losses, the joys and my struggle back to being a writer. You'll find my most private thoughts as well as my most recent attempts at writing again. Enjoy and feel free to share your thoughts with me.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Dumpy, frumpy feeling

I know this is normal and I'm probably just over reacting, but I'm feeling sad.

So, here are the pathetic confessions of the self-conscious, insecure, sex-deprived woman.

I can't remember the last time J and I had sex. That isn't to say that I can't remember because it's been so many weeks... we're talking months. All I can remember is that I wasn't showing a whole lot when we did have sex last. Besides the obvious reasons for wanting to find that lost portion of our relationship, this is a killer on my self-confidence.

You see, I was a stick (an anorexic stick) when J and I started dating. I've pretty much been chubby since then except for my periods of time going back to that unhealthy lifestyle. (Don't worry, I'm doing fine in that department!) I am however feeling so incredibly undesireable, that I'm starting to worry if we'll ever have that part of our relationship back.

I'm almost back into my pre-pregnancy pants. My "fat clothes" are too big on me now, but I am still not into my "skinny" clothes. My boobs are however keeping me from fitting into any of my pre-pregnancy shirts. I didn't know they could get that big.

All, my insecurities aside, I really am starting to wonder if J has any attraction to me besides being the mother of his daughter and the one who cooks him dinner every night.

I feel so distant from him right now. I know, logically, that we're both so tired and we have no routine what so ever right now, but it's still hard not to take it personally. I feel like I'm surrounded by people who have these amazing sex lives and yet, I'm not sure my husband has any desire to touch me at all.

I lie next to him every night, yet feel like I might as well be lying in the next room. I feel like we're drifting apart... I sound so pathetic.

I hope all of this is in my imagination and I'm just overreacting.

Oh, the baby cries.

Thanks for listening to me whine.