Ambition vs. Faith (written while sitting in traffic)

In a discussion last week with two very devout Catholics, I once again found myself wondering if I am one of the only Christians out there who stops to think and analyze the religious beliefs and doctrines of Christianity. Maybe it is my English and Literature background, but I have a hard time looking at any piece of literature at ONLY face value, which is what I feel many of these “blind believers” do. The Bible is so intricately laced with symbolism that I can’t but help to look at it through many lenses. I can’t imagine that God provided us with this level of intellect to have us not examine, scrutinize, and analyze the text that serves as the moral framework for our Christian society.

I read a novel for my class called “Hope in the Unseen.” It is the story of a young black high school student and his struggles to acquire a “good education” despite being top of his class. The book also dealt with his growth into and eventually out of his religious beliefs.

At one point his pastor was teaching that people who work hard and believed that was the way to escape their current situations – one riddled with poverty, substance abuse, and violence – were straying from God’s path. He taught that they should put all their faith into the Lord and he will provide for them.

This is directly opposed to my own philosophy on religion. Ironically it is taken from Greek Mythology and not any kind of monotheistic religion. There is a quote in the Odyssey where Athena turns to Telemacus, Odysseus’ son, as he leaves to search for his father. “The gods will not do what man can do for himself.” (or something close to that)

I also live in a manner in which I will never say, “I’m a victim.” I believe there is a very large difference between trusting in God to guide our paths - including our owndecision-making, based on the Christian values we are to live by- and rationalizing our lives and mistakes as “God’s lessons”.

So which philosophy is correct? If I work hard, follow my Christian values, and serve others through the gifts I have been given, couldn’t that be considered following God’s plan?

So why do so many Christians feel they have to sit back and wait for God’s plan to take them somewhere? If I know that my Christian values tell me that I should help others, why should I sit and wait for the current to take me in some unknown direction? Why shouldn’t I continue to reach out to my students? I firmly believe that I belong in my classroom, in my inner-city school, to teach these kids lessons in many areas of life. I didn’t accidentally end up here! I got here through hard work and a driven path of my life. Couldn’t God’s will be less mystical, but embedded into the person I am and the values I hold, thus influencing my decisions?

I guess I just strongly disagree with the mentality of taking a passive life. A friend of mine is constantly dismissing her own ambition, saying if it’s supposed to be God will make it possible. She says this, as she does nothing to help herself toward that end.

I compare this to the idea of getting pregnant. Even if it is God’s plan, I can’t get pregnant without doing my part.

Summer's here, stress is leaving

I am amazed at how less stressed I am now that school is out.

I am taking a class right now and have to be around one of my friends that stresses me out. She's my workout partner who thinks that ttc is a competition. She's the one who said, right after my m/c, that she hoped to "beat" me. I just get around her and stress out. It'll be nice to be away for the next two weeks.

I have an entire book to read and essay to write and haven't started. Yet, I'm not stressed. I probably should be though.

I'm doing better with my eating, though. I'm definitely feeling more in-control of things right now. I still stress out about the way I look. As time goes on and I get closer and closer to my h.s. reunion, the more obsessed about my weight I get. I'm definitely NOT where I wanted to be before my reunion. I know I shouldn't care. I know that I could care less about what most people think of me. I know that I've got a much better life than a lot of them, yet I'm still worried about going and being one of those that "has gotten fat." At this point, I don't want to go. I know I'll regret it, but I really don't want to go like this. I told dh a long time ago that I would only go if: 1. I lost 20 pounds or 2. I was pg. Since neither of those are quite working out, I'm not sure I have any interest in going. This is one of the things that I dislike about myself the most. I wish I could be comfortable in my own skin. I am SOOO self-conscious. It's not so much fun. :)

Not much else to talk about, so I'm going to go start my reading. I have only 5 days to read that book and write an essay on it. YUCK!

Confession and a giant step forward

Well, I think I've definitely sunk to the depths of where I was in college.

Eating has been hit or miss. I find myself "accidently" missing meals. I am super self-conscious again.

The reason I know I hit bottom was of Wednesday night. I drank. A lot. And I don't know why. I think I was dead set on getting trashed from the beginning. I pulled my usual ass-out behavior.

It did get a bit scary though. I had a "friend" drive me home. He is the brother of one of my good friends and both of them work in my building. When Paul went to take me home, he didn't drive me home. He kept telling me that we'd go hang out at his house and talk. I said no, but he said it would be okay. Thank goodness Jeremy called and that made him turn around. I am pretty freaked out about that. I don't like that the entire situation happened. But this was the kind of thing that would happen in college. I don't like being there again.

Dh and I had a really really long talk when I got home. He's worried and now I am too. I called my doctor and got the name of the eating disorder counselor. I'm calling my insurance company today to see if they will cover it. If not, I'll call my dr back and get some more names, maybe not for eating disorder counselors, but for general good counselors. I know my eating disorder is a symptom, not the actual problem. It's the way I deal with life when I can't control anything else. It's so subconscious though. I always thought I'd be aware of slipping back into it and I wasn't at all.

I'm doing much better today. I'm glad to not be at school and have to deal with the teasing about how drunk I was. I'm glad to be away from the possibility of getting in that situation again. I'm especially glad to be able to be home with Jeremy. I think we have some repairing to do. Nothing big, but I know part of my issues come from feeling unattractive and unwanted from him. I know that is just because we were having trouble bding because of the pressure. I also know that he doesn't completely trust me right now. It's nothing big, but comes with the territory with my eating disorder.

We'll be fine. I'm 100% confident of that. I think I really needed to realize that my issues are always there. I think it's like any other addiction. You're always on the edge of a relaps and the minute you relax and think you have it handled, it reminds you that you can never be complacent with it. You never quite have it beat.

So here's to a summer of concentrating on me, my marriage, and my life.

Thank you God for showing me how weak and vulnerable I am, and reminding me that I need your guidance and strength to become the person I am supposed to be and who you want me to be. Thank you for the gift of my wonderful husband who loves me for me and is willing to help me through my challenges in life. Please continue to give me the strength to once again control my nagging shadows and come out a stronger and better person.

God's Gentle Reminder

At our darkest moments, God is always by our sides, encouraging us to grow, learn, and discover good. When we hit those times that we feel as though we are in the darkness, all alone, God doesn't give us what we necessarily are wanting. He doesn't make it easy for us so we can be happy again. That's not his way. Instead he shows us the joy that we already have, but have just forgotten temporarily.

I just got home from our school's Graduation and Grad night party. I haven't gone to one of these before except for my own. I was floored and honored. Students that I haven't seen in a year were happy to see me, giving me hugs, and reminiscing about fun times they remember of my class or something related to me. I was shocked by the number of kids who gave me hugs. I initiated many handshakes and gentle pats on the shoulder, but was surprised by how many of these kids felt they needed to give me a hug.

One sticks out the most. He's a big, tough football jock. He failed my class last spring and was therefore ineligible to play football in the fall. I was very disappointed in how he gave up in not only my class, but seemed to fall into a depression last spring. He came to me and asked me if I would allow him to make up work and retake a test he flaked out on. I agreed, but made it very hard for him. He had to redo every assignment and get an 80% on the test to get a D instead of an F. He got 100% on every assignment and a 95% on the test. This year our football team not only made it to the play offs for the first time in 20 years, but also made it to the second round. This is the second time he refused a handshake and insisted on giving me a hug. The first time was in front of all his football buddies after their win in the play offs.

I went to the all-night party, just to say hi for a few minutes. 3 hours later, I just got home. The kids wouldn't let me leave. I went just to stand back and watch; let them see me and know that I was there. I had more conversations with kids than the kids did with each other. They drug me to play games with them, sign yearbooks. They even tried to get me to go swimming with them (yeah, right). But this desire by them to want to be around me just astounds me. What a blessing they are in my life.

I did get to talk to a student and one of my soccer players. She left the team because she was hurt and didn't want to be hurt for basketball. Fair enough. Basketball is her first love and I respect that completely. Her parents made it a big deal, so she (being a 17 year old kid) told them that I didn't liker her and so she didn't want to play for me. Her parents actually tried to get me fired. But Kristie and I got to talk today. I was so hurt by the way she left that this conversation meant so much to me. It showed me that it wasn't me; I was just the easy out.

This whole night just showed me how dumb I've been. How dare I pity myself. I have so many gifts in my life. I am so lucky to be able to affect these kids and establish these relationships with them. One kid even told me with tears in his eyes that he wouldn't have graduated without my help (he would have, but what a huge compliment that he would even think it).

Even if I am never to have my own children, I know that I am able to play this role in other people's children's lives. I can care for them and love them and show them how to love themselves and learning. How many people get to see how they impact other human beings like I do? Not many. Yet, I get to see how I change and mold these kids. I get reinforcement from the kids, their parents, and just by watching them grow. What a gift!

Thank you, God, for reminding me of the good in my daily life. Thank you for reminding me of why I teach, why I care so much, and how I can keep doing this.

My Pathetic, Insignificant Slump

I remember watching dh's cousin last season. He's a pitcher (went in 17th round to the Yankees today, yeah for him). Last season he was in a slump. It didn't matter what he did, how hard he practiced, who he listened to, what drills he ran, how he was coached, he couldn't get out of it.

I have a good day and the next, I'm back in it.

I sit here watching Primetime Live and Brad Pit talking about how poor these children are and how poor their quality of life is. How sad and pathetic of me to sit here and feel sorry for myself.

We went to dh's end of the year get-together. People there with their babies or pregnant bellies. I feel so shallow when I get sad. But I can't help but to feel sad. I can't help but feel like there's something wrong with me - there's something wrong with us because we can't physically conceive, can't get ourselves together to conceive, or don't seem to deserve to have a baby.

I know my eating issues have always been lurking below the surface. Since the first time I got help, when I was 19, I've had a number of relapses. I know I will always have an eating disorder; it will never go away.

I definitely struggle when I feel like I have no control over what is going on. I definitely don't have control over ttc. i can't even seem to get dh on board again.

So, I guess we're on to another break from ttc. We're not going to officially call it a break though so that we can go back to the dr in October. That will be officially a year of trying since the m/c, including our two month break earlier. This cycle dh and I'll be in two different places during that window of time. After that, it'll be a month from my race, so we won't try then. So I guess it looks like we'll have to wait until September. Dh's whole thing was that he wanted to try during the summer because he likes to use being tired and stressed out as his excuse. I don't know what to do about it. I've been training for six months, it's always been something I've wanted to do, and I need something to look forward to. Anything to look forward to.

I've been in slumps before, but this feels different. It's not just that I'm feeling unhappy, I am unhappy. I dislike my job intensely. Dh and I are drifting further apart (partly because of my issue). I am looking forward to school being out, but not necessarily looking forward to summer.

I sound so pathetic. I get so frustrated with myself for being down. There are so many bigger things in life. I know that things are not that bad for me. There are so many people out there suffering and dealing with more horrible things than I have ever experienced or will ever know, yet here I am wallowing in my own issues.

A New Start

Today is the first day of a new start for me. Or at least I'm trying to make it that way.

I got up this morning feeling unburdened by the issues that have surrounded by me for months...which is my goal.

So, I'm staying at North. I can live with that. I'll coach one more year, making it another fun experience, not focusing on winning. I can improve my quality of life at home because this new curriculum is set up for me, so I don't have lesson planning. I can come home and not spend 6 hours doing school work. I can really focus on making good connections with my kids.

I had a long talk with a teacher that left teaching during the contract negotiations. She was my supervising teacher through part of my student teaching and a friend through the last three years. She pulled me aside at the BBQ and we talked for quite a long time. It was obvious that she wanted to talk to me and attempted it many times, but finally caught me at the end. She said that she had wanted to talk to me at the beginning of the year, but didn't know how and I made it obvious that I didn't want to talk about anything (which was true). She said that she didn't quite know what to say since she had never had the urge for mother hood (she and her partner, Jenny, are definitely not parenting types) and when everything else came about, she watched me pull away from everyone (true again). But she expressed how she was so sorry that all of that had happened and that if I ever needed anything I could always come to her. I definitely appreciated her sentiment.

I'm quite proud of myself for how I am handling the whole job issue. I will admit that I am an overly emotional person and don't handle things like this very well, ever. I broke down last night after dh went to bed, but I'm okay. Life goes on and there are so many bigger things in life than for me to feel sorry for myself over this. I didn't even cry when I told my Dad (I'm such a daddy's girl).

Warning: TMI. Dh and I have been pretty distant lately. He feels like I'm mad at him because I'm putting too much pressure on him and we've been horrible about bding. I feel like he's mad at me because of me being in my "blue funk" as he calls it. I came home from my run and he drew a bath for us. We have a tiny tub, so it was quite cozy, but we laid in the tub for a long time, just talking. ( I didn't talk about my "issue," but I think I'm getting a handle on it. If I can't keep moving forward, I will, I promise.) I feel like we're doing so much better, finally. I think we're going camping the first weekend we are done with school. I can't wait.

I've been thinking about my m/c a lot lately. It amazes me that it has almost been a year since I got pg. I feel like I've aged so much in the last year. I can't really picture myself being pg or having a baby anymore. It's not that I don't want to, but it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon. I just have to remind myself that it's my job to find out why it's happening this way and what I can learn from it.

God, thank you for giving me peace today and showing me that you have given me the strength I need.

One step forward, two steps back

So far today and yesterday have been better when it comes to my "issue". (How childish of me to not even use the words). I think by publicly admitting it, that's the first step of me moving forward.

HOWEVER, I just got some more bad news.

The big bad news is that dh's grandma broke her hip yesterday. She has demencia and heart issues. It's the kind of break that needs surgery. This is a huge problem because she's on blood thinners, so they can't operate. If they put her on drugs to thicken the blood, there is a good chance for her to have problems with her heart (and brain, I think). MIL is leaving now to go down there, but it isn't looking too promising. Dh is very worried.

The not-so-big bad news is that I just found out today that I didn't get ANY of the jobs that I interviewed for. Right now, I'm devistated about it. It's probably just my emotional over-reaction, but it feels like such a slap in the face. I can't believe that I didn't get it. I can't believe that I wasn't one of the best applicants. It would sting less if they didn't know me already over there. I taught there for 2 years. They know how hard I work and how good of a teacher I am. Or at least how good I thought I was. Wow! Big shock to the ego.

And as if I wasn't in a great mood, I get to go spend the evening with my department at the end of the year bbq. I know I need to go to try to repair some of the relationships, but that is the last place I want to be. And now with the newest news, I have to try to find a way to get along with these people for at least another year.

I keep trying to find the bright side. I keep telling myself that there must be a reason I'm stuck here. Maybe I'm meant to go to grad school. Maybe I'm supposed to leave teaching. Maybe we're supposed to move. Only time will tell, right?

God please help me to find the strength to figure out what I'm supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be.

My lurking shadow

Everyone has secrets or memories that haunt them on occasion. Some secrets involve wild behaviors that we’re ashamed of. Others are memories of moments of cruelty against us. These shadows are always present, but not always noticed. Dark dismal days hide the shadows in the dreary grey. Bright, warm days hide the shadows from view as the sun shines clearly overhead. But when the sun slips toward the horizon, the shadows creep from under foot and sulk behind each stride. It is in those brief moments that we are reminded of and recognize those secrets.

The most dangerous secrets are those that are not in the past. No matter how fast or far I run, my shadow paces my ever step. Sometimes my shadow is so long and thin, I don’t notice it unless it catches my eye. Other times, it’s so heavy and thick I feel it stalk my every step.

I have realized why my temps have been so erratic. My haunting shadow is back.

Long ago I was convinced that I only had a problem because of my weight. When it started, I told myself that if I was skinny, there’s no way I’d have this eating disorder. (there I used the words). Six months, 40 lbs later and becoming size 2, I couldn’t stop. Years later, the possibility of losing the love of my life was what made me snap out of it.

However, here I am at 28, 12 years after the onset of this issue, and I’m still struggling. It’s 40% about the weight, 60% about the lack of control.

I feel so overwhelmed by life right now. I hate my job and not feeling any control in finding an out. I feel so disconnected from dh. My self-confidence is so low and I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin. I am under such a heavy and thick cloud; I cannot navigate out.

I know this will pass, but for the first time in 9 years, I’m not sure I have more control over it than it has over me. I saw the beginning of the emotional ramifications for the first time today. I burst into tears while talking to a friend at work. When asked what happened, I couldn’t give her an answer.

I’m debating calling my NP who said she had the name of a great counselor for eating disorders. I don’t know how I could explain it away to dh. Things are so off right now as it is, I don’t know how he would react to know that it’s back.

God, please help me find the strength to conquer my shadows.