Dream

Maiya, dreaming of some fantastic chase, kicks her back paws into my lower back. Consciousness flickers, but fades under the warm weight of down.
***
I don't know where I am or when it is, but it doesn't matter as I stare down at the helpless, beautiful face cooing in my arms. The whispy blond hair lightly covers the small head. The pale skin, softer than the finest fabric, is slighly rose upon the soft cheeks that cover the muscles working beneath them. While the eyes are closed so gently, I know beneath the thin lids the steely blue eyes are just like mine. The rhythmic sucking motion continues though the gentle breathing signifies sleep.

I can't feel the weight of this angel in my arms, a reminder of my sleep- yet I stare at this living being. She takes the gift of life and nurturing from me; my body provides the life that sustains her. I am instantly aware of the amazing abilities of my body. Emotion warms me; I stare longingly at the angel in my arms. The moisture in my eyes blurs my vision for a moment, for words can't even begin to describe the love, amazement, and longing that fill me.
***
The chase ensues and another kick causes me to roll onto my other side. I wake enough to realize my own reality, but quickly try to return to that dreamy state, with my angel in my arms.

But she's gone and I know I'm awake.

I'm dreading the coming and going of March 5, 2005.

Why do we make these choices?

In the last few months, I have expended so much energy into what I have felt is a worthy cause: fighting for a decent contract for myself and other teachers. However, I'm discovering that it has become all consuming and much of my life is revolving around either actively "rallying" or stressing about the approaching doom which may be a strike.

So I've spent time asking myself if I should find a new career. Then I realize that it isn't just a career, but a lifestyle.

While it would mean no more grading papers and planning on the weekends and evenings, more time to work out, more time to take care of the house, more time to spend with Jeremy; it would also take away the one, daily reminder of why I'm on this earth. I am able to reach kids.

But is it worth the stress, the lack of sleep, the excess work, the lack of a personal life? I can't answer yes or no definitively.

I think back on the goals I set for myself a few months ago. I'm now starting to wonder if I can truly raise a healthy family while being a teacher. Sure, I'd have the summers off, but could I devote my time in the evenings to something other than my school work? Can I still be a good teacher without doing all the extra work? I'm not sure!

I sometimes doubt whether I should be trying to have kids. I sometimes wonder if God didn't take my baby away from me for a reason. I know Jeremy and I are working on ourselves, our finances, and I'm working on my weight, but were these the challenges God wanted me to face before having a child?

It's so good to see Jeremy getting excited about the idea of ttc again. He has made it clear that he wants to start trying again in May or June. I don't know how I'll feel about that when that time comes around. I haven't lost the weight I wanted to. I definitely want to be healthy this time around.

I guess time has brought me healing from this fall and time will bring me answers to my questions.

I will admit, I am dreading March 5th. I'm going to sound like a horrible person for a moment. It's been hard to hear about the new little additions.

I'm ecstatic for them. I am so pleased for those who have made it through the battles and scares of the last nine months. But at the same time, it is a reminder of what I don't have.

I hope God blesses them with health, love, and the wisdom and compassion to build and nurture these wonderful growing families they all deserve.

Super Bowl Sunday

Well, here's my first attempt at a blog. I'm going to try to keep this up on a regular basis.

Today was a good day. We got up this morning and began cleaning our house. My in-laws came over to watch the Super Bowl with us, so we needed to clean up.

We had a great time, although I didn't particularly care about the game much.

Well, this week will be an entertaining week. (Read sacrasm). Our union has another mediation session with the board this week. I'm so frustrated with the situation. Our Superintendant seems to want to negotiate with all of us instead of letting our negotiation teams do it. If they are wanting to run me out of teaching, this is a great way to do it.

Once again, we'll be sitting at the district offices until 11:00 pm tomorrow night.

Off to bed!