Daily Reflection for 2/28

So, I've started this new daily devotional book in an effort to find my way back to God. It's called "Daily Wisdom for Mothers." So far it has provided me some good topics to think about.

This was the topic for a few days ago, but I haven't had time to write about it yet.

At the end of the reading about how we carry our memories with us it says this: "Start today and keep an 'I Remember' journal. Record what God does for you each day -- even the smallest things. It'll be sort of a daily 'love letter' to the Father. If you've grown cold to God, you're sure to fall in love with him again.

I've always struggled with the idea of "God's path." It isn't that I don't believe in God or that God has a plan for me. It is the idea that people make choices that affect where they go and what they do and I feel that too many people use it as an excuse. For example, I remember in college, a girl making the comment that God put her in a certain situation. No, it would be the choice to go to a party, get drunk, and go to a guy's room that put you in that situation.

As I've gotten older, I really see how our personal decisions put us in certain situations that are not probably where God would want us, but by learning from those situations, we can get back on track, or on "God's path."

I think this last year, though, through no single conscious choice, I've found my way back to God's path. I think for the first time in my life I may not always be on His path, but it's always in sight and I'm making a good effort to follow the general direction at least.

Why am I babbling about this? Because I feel as though I can take little to no credit for how wonderful my life is. I didn't DO anything that caused this (accept maybe the pregnancies, hee, hee). I was presented with these amazing opportunities or felt this push to make a blind leap and it has turned out to benefit me and my family immensely.

So here is my little list of the miracles I've seen in my life lately. I use the term miracle because I can't seem to explain how they came into my life when they did or how they did.

1. My daughter was born 5 1/2 weeks prematurely, but was fully developed and perfectly healthy. Because of how early she was born, and a small respite from illness for Grandma Glady, Grandma Glady got to meet her first Great-Granddaughter before she died. Babies brought such joy to Grandma Glady and Jana let her feed and cuddle her for two days straight. Grandma Glady got sick again the next week and passed on shortly after my real due date. Jana will never remember Grandma Glady, but she brought such joy to an amazing woman in her final weeks. Had Jana been born on time, Grandma Glady's health would have kept her from meeting our little girl. An unfortunate consequence of Grandma Glady dying was that we had to fly David, J's brother, home for the service. (We were visiting Dave when I had my miscarriage and that drastically changed our relationships, all three of us.) He has been in the Peace Corps since March of 2005. It's been joked about that Grandma Glady's final gift to Dave was getting him home so he could meet Jana as a baby. When given the opportunity, Dave did not put Jana down while he was home. We have so many pics of Dave with Jana asleep on his chest. He wouldn't have been able to meet her until he comes him this May at 15 months old.

2. My job. Even though I've always wanted to have kids and really wanted to start trying about 5 years ago, I often wondered if we should. I knew that in our professions, I would never be able to stay home. I also know me and my personality and wondered if it was right for me to have children because I wasn't going to be home with them and give them the attention I felt I needed to give. Because of how I'm wired, I invest too much into school and my students and would have a really hard time balancing it all. And here came this job, dropped in my lap, that would allow me to be home most of the time. What did I do to deserve this job offer? Who knows! But here I am, making enough to keep us pretty comfy, and home most of the time.

3. Our house. On Mother's Day, I got a wild hair and decided that I wanted to look into moving and selling the house. Our house was fine. It was livable for our family, as it was, for a while. The neighborhood was declining, but we were safe. How did I know we needed a bigger house? We almost put a bid on a larger 3 bd, 2 bth (which still would have been a challenge), but found this one the day we were going to do it. How did this work out so well?

4. Humility. I learned humility and how to appreciate, not judge others. I don't know exactly when it happened, but it was as though I could finally see the bigger picture. Instead of thinking, "What were they thinking? I would never have done that. Don't they know this is the better way or thing to do?" I began to think, "I'm not them. I don't know everything they have faced and face on a daily basis. Who am I to question their decisions? They are making the best decisions for their lives, not mine." Whew, was this a well needed change!!!! It's funny that I can be so insecure about my appearance and worth, yet be so arrogant at the same time. I used to my collegues based on whether I thought they were good teachers and my opinion of them professionally and personally was based on that. And the worst part of it, and most embarrassing now, is that I was willing to share this with people. Ugh! Definitely a well needed personality upgrade for me.

5. My sister is alive. Kaley had a brain aneurism on 9/11/04. She had to be life-flighted from Alaska to Seattle. The aneurism bled. She is one of 2% that live through it... not to mention that she lost nothing: no mental or physical function. Her nationally recognized brain surgeon looked at her and said, "You must have something amazing to do in your life, because God certainly didn't think it was your time."

I know there are more things God has done in my life, but these are the ones that bring tears to my eyes on a daily basis. These are the ones that have changed who I am. These thoughts and memories are what help to make me want to be a better person.

Just getting this out of my system

So I feel awful for even being this way, but since I've been in tears all morning, I am trying to write on here and see if I can get it out and move on.

I know he didn't mean it, but J made me so mad last night. Keep in mind that I've been sick with the stomach bug as well as struggling with morning sickness. So, he was changing Jana's diaper and noticed these scratch marks on her dresser/changing table. Keep in mind, we went nuts and bought some pretty nice stuff for her. After yelling at me to come up stairs to look at it, he determined that they were dog nail marks and it was my fault because when we don't have Jana's hamper up there, I just stack her dirty clothes on the dresser. He decided that the dog has been going after her dirty clothes because of food left on them from when she eats. So then he launches into a speech about how my laziness just ruined the finish on our really nice dresser.

Not to be petty, but have I ever mentioned the hardest part of keeping my house clean is the clutter... J's clutter. Right now, I have moved all of his shit to the kitchen island and it's a disaster. Not to mention the three, yes, three power cords that are down here for his computer.

Call it a tempter tantrum, I don't care, but I have removed all of his shit from everywhere and it is going in a bag for him to sort through. Jana is into everything and we can't have this crap out. And if I'm going to be called on my laziness, I'm calling him on his.

I also just woke up pissy this morning. My sciatic nerve is killing me and I woke up with a sore back. Today is one of those days that I'm really, really thinking that getting pregnant so fast was not the greatest of ideas. I'm huge and I feel like my body is falling apart. And I still have forever to go.

I'm sad that Jana's one today. I feel like I haven't treasured this time enough. I feel like there are so many things I meant to do before she was one.

I'm excited because she's so much fun and gets more fun by the day, but at the same time, she's not my little baby anymore. I start crying every time I start thinking about it being her birthday.

I wonder if part of it is because we're not doing anything big for her birthday and I feel guilty. Other than J's parents, we don't have any family close by to celebrate with. I can't seem to get anyone to call me back about play groups or mom's groups, so it's not like we have friends to celebrate with.

Okay, enough feeling sorry for myself. Time to shower and pull myself out of this funk. I need to finish cleaning and then go visit J at school. He forgot his lab towels in the drier and took the wrong car today. So, I think we'll pick up some cookies and bring them to him and his lunch group during their lunch. Then we have to go to Winco (grocery shopping), Costco, and Shopko. Then I need to make dinner and banana bread for Jana's mock-birthday cake.

My To Do List

I'm hoping that if I post this here and keep updating it, I will be able to see progress and feel better about what I am doing.

To Do by Friday

Send out Jana's invitations
Sweep Floor
Vacuum Rugs
Vacuum Upstairs
Change sheets on all beds
Put clothes away in guest room
Plan menu for Jana's b-day dinner


To Do by the end of the weekend

Clean toilet, counters, and shower in guest bathroom
De-clutter the downstairs
Finish the laundry


To Do soon

Go through boxes in garage to find missing maternity clothes
Pull out baby clothes and seperate neutrals out
Paint Baby's room
Buy baby's mattress
Set up crib
Move dresser and changing table to Jana's room
Move combo into baby's room
Clean out Jana's closet
Buy Jana's toddler bedding
Paint Jana's room


That's all I can think of... for the moment.

Losing my grasp

When I started this whole stay-at-home-mom gig last spring, I thought it was a "simpler" life. I had time at home, so life was easier. I thought since I would be home with Jana, she'd be benefitting from my singularly focussed attention. I thought that most days I could have the house straightened and some kind of dinner.

Oh, how wrong I am! The longer I do this, the more respect I have for working moms. How in the hell do they do it all? I can't even do this part of being a wife and mom and I don't work. I feel like I'm losing my grasp on the chores and order that I wanted.

I set up a schedule for cleaning. I thought it would be manageable because I gave myself one or two jobs per day and that was it. Oh, how wrong again! I've mopped the kitchen, bathrooms, and entry way tile floors. That's it! My poor daughter crawls on floors that haven't been swept since last week and crawls on area rugs that haven't been vacuumed in as much time as well. (Those are two of my necessary chores because with the dog, there is hair everywhere.) I've barely done 4 loads of laundry. The only thing I've successfully done is kept up with the dishes.

I feel like I'm cheating my daughter. I thought because I would be home with her, that would be a benefit to her development and learning. I'm really starting to doubt that. I think I coddle her too much.

Example: her eating. She's almost a year old and refuses most table foods. I know that is because we didn't work hard enough earlier on to get her use to food textures. I vaguely remember reading or my pedi saying that there was a window and if you don't get them onto table foods by then it's going to be very difficult after that. I think we were so worried about allergies that we were too slow and cautious with introducing foods and now I don't know what to do. What she will eat: Cheerios, bananas, carrots (sometimes), more cheerios, peas (after she's skinned them), puffs, sometimes apples and pears. What she refuses to eat: melons of any kind, cheese, toast, green beans.

Example: She has no interactions with other children. I guess I've always thought she's too young, but now I'm realizing she's not and she is fascinated with other kids. We were at the furniture store today and she crawled away from us to get closer to another little girl, roughly the same age, that was near by. She stares at them and watches them. She followed her cousin, TJ, everywhere last weekend. I've contacted a MOMS group, who won't return my call, but there are very few options around here. There's a Meet up group that plans things only for the evenings and weekend, but that is our Daddy time. We have no Gymboree, Little Gym, etc. We have an indoor play center during the winter, but it sounds like it's meant for much older kids.

I think I've made her too dependent on us. When I read my "What to Expect in the First Year" (I know, mistake #1), I was shocked at what they were talking about for 12 month olds. I know she's not quite a year yet (in one week), but I feel l ike we've kept her a baby, instead of helping her grow into a toddler.

Here is where she is at:
* She says: Dada, Daddy, Hi Daddy, Mama (occasionally). Sometimes we swear we hear Maiya (the dog), No Maiya (oops, we say that too much), up, hi. She's a chatter box, and sounds like she's trying to put sentences together (nonsensical sounds), but I'm not sure we're getting any closer to words.
* She's a great crawler and pulls herself up on everything. She rarely sits anymore and wants to be on her feet unless she's trying to get somewhere. She's crusing on furniture and starting to take risks and reach farther to the next item to cruise. However, she shows no interest in trying to walk while holding our hands or stand on her own. She's also great at going up the stairs, but hasn't tried going down.
* She claps, waves, and points. She'll play follow the leader with those three things, but won't do anything more than that.
* She mimmicks sounds, sometimes. I got her to copy me and her toy and say moo everytime I'd show her the cow and push the cow button.
* She is also almosts off the bottle. She took formula from a sippy cup with no problem. She actually takes the sippy cup with no problem... except that when she holds it, she can't drink it, so we have to help her.

I feel like I don't expose her to enough and I can tell she's starting to tire of her toys. Her new favorite toy is the stairs. If I look away and don't have the gate up, she's gone. It is nice because I don't have to carry her up them, but scary at the same time.

I know it is probably exhaustion, hormones, etc, but I really feel like I'm falling apart as a mom. J keeps making comments about how great of a job I'm doing being a mom and housewife, but I just don't feel like it. I'm so tired all the time that I feel like I don't get anything done. In the mornings, I count down the minutes until Jana's nap because I'm so tired, I want to lay down. How the hell am I going to do this with two? I guess the first answer to that is that I won't be pregnant anymore and that will make it easier.

I don't want to complain too much because I know I live a very, very blessed life with so many gifts right now, but I'm getting a bit tired of the down sides of pregnancy: feeling huge, puking (yah, that's come back too), the heartburn, the gagging, not being able to sleep, sciatic nerve pain, back aches, and this one having a dance party every time I lay down to sleep. I know that someday I may miss this whole experience (because if this is a boy, I'm done!), but knowing that I'm only 22 weeks and have anywhere from 13 to 18 weeks left..... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!