A New Start

Today is the first day of a new start for me. Or at least I'm trying to make it that way.

I got up this morning feeling unburdened by the issues that have surrounded by me for months...which is my goal.

So, I'm staying at North. I can live with that. I'll coach one more year, making it another fun experience, not focusing on winning. I can improve my quality of life at home because this new curriculum is set up for me, so I don't have lesson planning. I can come home and not spend 6 hours doing school work. I can really focus on making good connections with my kids.

I had a long talk with a teacher that left teaching during the contract negotiations. She was my supervising teacher through part of my student teaching and a friend through the last three years. She pulled me aside at the BBQ and we talked for quite a long time. It was obvious that she wanted to talk to me and attempted it many times, but finally caught me at the end. She said that she had wanted to talk to me at the beginning of the year, but didn't know how and I made it obvious that I didn't want to talk about anything (which was true). She said that she didn't quite know what to say since she had never had the urge for mother hood (she and her partner, Jenny, are definitely not parenting types) and when everything else came about, she watched me pull away from everyone (true again). But she expressed how she was so sorry that all of that had happened and that if I ever needed anything I could always come to her. I definitely appreciated her sentiment.

I'm quite proud of myself for how I am handling the whole job issue. I will admit that I am an overly emotional person and don't handle things like this very well, ever. I broke down last night after dh went to bed, but I'm okay. Life goes on and there are so many bigger things in life than for me to feel sorry for myself over this. I didn't even cry when I told my Dad (I'm such a daddy's girl).

Warning: TMI. Dh and I have been pretty distant lately. He feels like I'm mad at him because I'm putting too much pressure on him and we've been horrible about bding. I feel like he's mad at me because of me being in my "blue funk" as he calls it. I came home from my run and he drew a bath for us. We have a tiny tub, so it was quite cozy, but we laid in the tub for a long time, just talking. ( I didn't talk about my "issue," but I think I'm getting a handle on it. If I can't keep moving forward, I will, I promise.) I feel like we're doing so much better, finally. I think we're going camping the first weekend we are done with school. I can't wait.

I've been thinking about my m/c a lot lately. It amazes me that it has almost been a year since I got pg. I feel like I've aged so much in the last year. I can't really picture myself being pg or having a baby anymore. It's not that I don't want to, but it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon. I just have to remind myself that it's my job to find out why it's happening this way and what I can learn from it.

God, thank you for giving me peace today and showing me that you have given me the strength I need.