Confession and a giant step forward

Well, I think I've definitely sunk to the depths of where I was in college.

Eating has been hit or miss. I find myself "accidently" missing meals. I am super self-conscious again.

The reason I know I hit bottom was of Wednesday night. I drank. A lot. And I don't know why. I think I was dead set on getting trashed from the beginning. I pulled my usual ass-out behavior.

It did get a bit scary though. I had a "friend" drive me home. He is the brother of one of my good friends and both of them work in my building. When Paul went to take me home, he didn't drive me home. He kept telling me that we'd go hang out at his house and talk. I said no, but he said it would be okay. Thank goodness Jeremy called and that made him turn around. I am pretty freaked out about that. I don't like that the entire situation happened. But this was the kind of thing that would happen in college. I don't like being there again.

Dh and I had a really really long talk when I got home. He's worried and now I am too. I called my doctor and got the name of the eating disorder counselor. I'm calling my insurance company today to see if they will cover it. If not, I'll call my dr back and get some more names, maybe not for eating disorder counselors, but for general good counselors. I know my eating disorder is a symptom, not the actual problem. It's the way I deal with life when I can't control anything else. It's so subconscious though. I always thought I'd be aware of slipping back into it and I wasn't at all.

I'm doing much better today. I'm glad to not be at school and have to deal with the teasing about how drunk I was. I'm glad to be away from the possibility of getting in that situation again. I'm especially glad to be able to be home with Jeremy. I think we have some repairing to do. Nothing big, but I know part of my issues come from feeling unattractive and unwanted from him. I know that is just because we were having trouble bding because of the pressure. I also know that he doesn't completely trust me right now. It's nothing big, but comes with the territory with my eating disorder.

We'll be fine. I'm 100% confident of that. I think I really needed to realize that my issues are always there. I think it's like any other addiction. You're always on the edge of a relaps and the minute you relax and think you have it handled, it reminds you that you can never be complacent with it. You never quite have it beat.

So here's to a summer of concentrating on me, my marriage, and my life.

Thank you God for showing me how weak and vulnerable I am, and reminding me that I need your guidance and strength to become the person I am supposed to be and who you want me to be. Thank you for the gift of my wonderful husband who loves me for me and is willing to help me through my challenges in life. Please continue to give me the strength to once again control my nagging shadows and come out a stronger and better person.