My lurking shadow

Everyone has secrets or memories that haunt them on occasion. Some secrets involve wild behaviors that we’re ashamed of. Others are memories of moments of cruelty against us. These shadows are always present, but not always noticed. Dark dismal days hide the shadows in the dreary grey. Bright, warm days hide the shadows from view as the sun shines clearly overhead. But when the sun slips toward the horizon, the shadows creep from under foot and sulk behind each stride. It is in those brief moments that we are reminded of and recognize those secrets.

The most dangerous secrets are those that are not in the past. No matter how fast or far I run, my shadow paces my ever step. Sometimes my shadow is so long and thin, I don’t notice it unless it catches my eye. Other times, it’s so heavy and thick I feel it stalk my every step.

I have realized why my temps have been so erratic. My haunting shadow is back.

Long ago I was convinced that I only had a problem because of my weight. When it started, I told myself that if I was skinny, there’s no way I’d have this eating disorder. (there I used the words). Six months, 40 lbs later and becoming size 2, I couldn’t stop. Years later, the possibility of losing the love of my life was what made me snap out of it.

However, here I am at 28, 12 years after the onset of this issue, and I’m still struggling. It’s 40% about the weight, 60% about the lack of control.

I feel so overwhelmed by life right now. I hate my job and not feeling any control in finding an out. I feel so disconnected from dh. My self-confidence is so low and I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin. I am under such a heavy and thick cloud; I cannot navigate out.

I know this will pass, but for the first time in 9 years, I’m not sure I have more control over it than it has over me. I saw the beginning of the emotional ramifications for the first time today. I burst into tears while talking to a friend at work. When asked what happened, I couldn’t give her an answer.

I’m debating calling my NP who said she had the name of a great counselor for eating disorders. I don’t know how I could explain it away to dh. Things are so off right now as it is, I don’t know how he would react to know that it’s back.

God, please help me find the strength to conquer my shadows.