My Pathetic, Insignificant Slump

I remember watching dh's cousin last season. He's a pitcher (went in 17th round to the Yankees today, yeah for him). Last season he was in a slump. It didn't matter what he did, how hard he practiced, who he listened to, what drills he ran, how he was coached, he couldn't get out of it.

I have a good day and the next, I'm back in it.

I sit here watching Primetime Live and Brad Pit talking about how poor these children are and how poor their quality of life is. How sad and pathetic of me to sit here and feel sorry for myself.

We went to dh's end of the year get-together. People there with their babies or pregnant bellies. I feel so shallow when I get sad. But I can't help but to feel sad. I can't help but feel like there's something wrong with me - there's something wrong with us because we can't physically conceive, can't get ourselves together to conceive, or don't seem to deserve to have a baby.

I know my eating issues have always been lurking below the surface. Since the first time I got help, when I was 19, I've had a number of relapses. I know I will always have an eating disorder; it will never go away.

I definitely struggle when I feel like I have no control over what is going on. I definitely don't have control over ttc. i can't even seem to get dh on board again.

So, I guess we're on to another break from ttc. We're not going to officially call it a break though so that we can go back to the dr in October. That will be officially a year of trying since the m/c, including our two month break earlier. This cycle dh and I'll be in two different places during that window of time. After that, it'll be a month from my race, so we won't try then. So I guess it looks like we'll have to wait until September. Dh's whole thing was that he wanted to try during the summer because he likes to use being tired and stressed out as his excuse. I don't know what to do about it. I've been training for six months, it's always been something I've wanted to do, and I need something to look forward to. Anything to look forward to.

I've been in slumps before, but this feels different. It's not just that I'm feeling unhappy, I am unhappy. I dislike my job intensely. Dh and I are drifting further apart (partly because of my issue). I am looking forward to school being out, but not necessarily looking forward to summer.

I sound so pathetic. I get so frustrated with myself for being down. There are so many bigger things in life. I know that things are not that bad for me. There are so many people out there suffering and dealing with more horrible things than I have ever experienced or will ever know, yet here I am wallowing in my own issues.