1/26/08

Gratitude Journal:
I'm grateful for...

1. Extra sleep - Kara slept straight until 6 am and then slept until 9. It felt good to sleep that long.
2. My friend R came over today to hang out with the girls and I. She brought me coffee and I made us all breakfast burritos. She loves my girls, so we had fun hanging out and playing with the girls. (And she let me take a shower while she hung out with Jana).
3. (Sounds weird, again). J was waving a box in the air, fanning Jana. She copied him and accidentally hit Kara. Kara has a bruise on her head and was screaming. Jana felt horrible and gave Kara kisses.
4. Jana's swimsuit. I found it at Target. It's a cute little boy-short and kind of rash-guard shirt. It's blue with hawaiian flowers all over it. Soooo cute!
5. my girls coming with me tomorrow. I know I wouldn't have taken the job if they couldn't have come, but it feels good to know they will get time with Aunt Boo (dubbed "gma #3"), and they'll get to see Great gma MJ - it'll mean nothing to them (and will probably scare Jana), but we will all feel better knowing that GG MJ got to meet Kara.


Yesterday's Goals:
1. I didn't get a chance to exercise because I slept in, then spent the rest of the day trying to get ready. I'm a little bummed about that, but oh well.
2. I didn't have a great eating day. I didn't eat nearly enough. I just got too busy and forgot to eat lunch.
3. I wrote my packing list before I went to bed last night.
4. I did a ton of laundry today.
5. I made a lasagna for dinner and one for the freezer, so J will can eat it next week.
6. I never got to the taco soup, but he'll live.

Tomorrow's Goals:
1. Workout or run before I leave.
2. Pack the car early so I'm not running around like crazy trying to leave.
3. Make good food choices on the drive.
4. Get to bed at a decent time tomorrow night since it'll be an early morning.

1/25/08

Gratitude Journal:

1. We got to visit Daddy at work today because there were no kids today (grading day). Jana was so excited to see him and Kara got some good mid-day Daddy cuddling.

2. While visiting Daddy, I ran into some friends that I used to teach with. They were begging me to come and sub there. It's so nice to know that I still have friends there and also to know that they would love to have me as their sub - they trust my ability to teach and to be a sub.

3. My friend S came over for a little while. It was a short visit, but it was so fun to get a chance to talk. I've missed hanging out with her and haven't been able to for so long because of my working.

4. I went to a friend's Southern Living party. I wasn't able to be there for very long (because Kara melted down), but it was fun to hang out with people. It was an added bonus that everyone kept oohing and ahhing over how cute they thought Kara was. It's so nice to hear compliments about your child.

5. I took the girls to the indoor park today and we got to spend some time with a friend and her two kids. It was good to et outof the house and let Jana run around. It was super chaotic, but fun. There was this 3 or 4 year old boy who kept coming around where Jana was playing and bringing her toys. It was so funny!

Yesterday's Goals.
1. I made dinner so that J just had to put it in the oven. It was a fabulous Rosemary pork tenderloin. Yummy!
2. Didn't happen, I wasn't home much today.
3. I went on a 3.5 mile run today. Yay!
4. I took the girls to the indoor center
5. I had a good eating day again. I was really careful when I was at the party... I was even able to avoid the chocolate chip cookies (one of my greatest weaknesses).
6. I still haven't put together my packing list, but I'm going to try to do that when I get into bed.

Tomorrow's Goals:
1. Exercise
2. Good Eating day (These are moving up the list and going to be permanent goals for a while)
3. Write my packing list.
4. Laundry
5. Make some lasagnas for J.
6. Make some taco soup.
6.

1/24/08

Gratitude Journal:

I'm so grateful for...
1. my old friends at my old school. We went to visit today and it was so nice to see everyone and it felt good to have people excited to see me (well, actually us because I think they were excited to see the girls.

2. A fun morning with Jana. We drew on her whiteboard on her easel, colored, drew on the patio with her sidewalk chalk, rode her tricycle around the neighborhood and played on her slide. Kara took a great morning nap, so we got great time together.

3. A little naughty time with J. :-) There's no better way to feel better about your appearance than the man you love telling you that you're beautiful and he loves you more today than ever before.

4. Jana ate an awesome dinner, so we didn't have that battle.

5. This is going to sound weird as something I'm grateful for. I was changing Jana's diaper before her nap. She was over tired and very cranky. As I was getting her down from the changing table, she smacked me on the eye, which caused me to stumble and I ended up setting Jana down a little harder than normal. She burst into tears and was sobbing as I was still covering my eye - which smarted. I gave her a hug and she just clung to me saying "sorry Mommy" over and over. I sat her on my lap and explained that when she hit me, she made me fall, so she fell. "I know." Are you okay? "yeah" Did you think Mommy was mad at you? "yeah" I'm not mad at you honey, but you can't hit Mama like that. It hurts me. "I know." "Sorry Mama." And she leaned over and kissed me (she's very stingy with kisses). She just sat there hugging me for a long time. This is something I'm grateful for, because it was apparent to me that it affected her and she was sad about it. I know she forgets it everytime she doesn't get what she wants, but I'll take this as a victory because she knows it's wrong... now to be consistent for the next 20 years. :-)

Yesterday's Goals:
1. I didn't run, but I did a 40 minute work out from one of my videos. (19 degrees sounded too cold for me... okay, I'm a weenie).

2. I had a better eating day. Not perfect, but much better. I got so hungry/needing a snack that I ate more than I should, but when I went to lunch with everyone, I didn't eat so I didn't eat all the crap they had.

3/4. I didn't get to because I took a nap since J and I were up way too late last night.


Tomorrow's Goals:
1. Make dinner ahead of time.
2. Make some meals for J for next week when I'm gone.
3. Work out
4. Take the girls to the indoor playground to play.

A Plan

First,

My mom made my sis and I appointments at this lavish spa. It's really a women's heath clinic that has an amazing spa in it. We were spoiled rotten by an hour-long facial, a 30-minute massage, and a wonderful foot soak. The greatest part of all was that due to a scheduling error, they had to do the appointments after each other instead of at the same time, so they gave us each a free massage to fill that time. While soaking my feet, I picked up O magazine. It had two very interesting articles that struck me and that paired with Sheri's post, I have a plan.

1. One article dealt with self-esteem. One of the activities talked about measurable goals for improvement. Using that and knowing what I need, I am starting something new tomorrow. In the morning, I am putting 10 pennies in my left pocket. Every time I do "bad self-talk" or make a disparaging comment about myself, then I have to move a penny to the other pocket. This way I'll start to see how my own comments are having an effect on me.

2. The other article dealt with seeing yourself as you are, not as the fat person you were. I'm not to that point yet, because I have put back on 10 of the 26 lbs I lost, but with everything else on my list, I can start to do this activity. There are a bunch of activities to do to help with that because it takes years for your body image to catch up with the weight loss and seeing pictures isn't helpful because we see everything that is wrong. Here are some of the activities: putting lotion on your body (it's hard to deny the size of your body when you are forced to touch it), have someone do a body outline on a piece of butcher paper so you can see what your size is, have someone cut out pictures from a magazine, etc. of people that are your size, have someone show you people that are the same size as you, and close your eyes and put your hands out, showing your image of what the size of your waist is, then have someone move your hands to show the actual size of your waist.

3. Gratitude Journal (I'm stealing your idea Sheri), I need to start focusing on the wonderful gifts in my life.

4. Get my tushie out of bed and run in the mornings - no excuses.

5. Find things in my life that I can control so I don't feel like life is as out of control.


I need your help, oh wonderful friends, to keep me going and keep me honest. I don't seem to be strong enough to do this on my own. Will you help? Will you read and ask me if I haven't written about my day?

Thank you!


Gratitude Journal:

1. I'm so happy to be home and in my own bed. While spending time with my family was great, I'm so happy to be home.

2. I'm so lucky to have a wonderful husband who loves me no matter what I think I look like and how I feel about myself.

3. Our families who LOVE these girls and are teaching her to love them back.

4. My girls are so wonderful. They just love being around people and are so sweet (most of the time) :-)

5. The spa day and stumbling upon two great articles.

Goals for tomorrow:
1. Run
2. Have a good eating day.
3. Work on my packing list for this weekend.
4. Post Kara's 8 month update.
5. Relax and enjoy my day at home with the girls!

Moms

On another subject... Moms!

I've tried really hard over the last few months to ease up on my mother. I know I'm pretty hard on her. I think of the day that the girls start to "hate" me like I did my mom and it makes me so sad. So, I'm really trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. She really does have good intentions, but when they miss the mark - they are so FREAKING off!!!

It took me until this weekend to put my finger on something. If you ask me if I thought my parents did a good job raising me, I'd say yes. If you asked me if I thought my mom did a good job raising me, I couldn't give you an answer. I have always blamed my mom for my eating/weight issues. I really thought about this and I've come to a conclusion: My mom is not the cause of my eating issues. This may seem obvious to you, but in my stunted-maturation-perspective, I've always blamed her. But it comes down to this, I would have had issues one way or another - I have an "addictive" personality. I seem to be unable to deal with things, so I find other outlets (anorex*ia, bul*emia, drinking, etc). The drinking was an escape and never out of control. Anor*exia I stopped one day and it morphed into bul*emia, for the very small amount that I did eat. However, when faced with the prospect of losing J (years ago), I gave it up in a day. It has come back from time to time, but never out of control, if that makes any sense. So, this realization and acceptance of this was a HUGE step for me.

I'm trying. I'm not that stupid angst-ridden teenager who hates her mother. But it's hard to shake some of those resentments.






But, then she starts in on me today!

"Hmm. You really have put on a lot of that weight you lost, haven't you?"

"Wow! You should really consider some bleaching strips for your teeth. You don't have a pretty smile anymore."

"Soooo, you're just going to look like that today?"

"Aren't you going to go running or something? I thought you were trying to lose weight."



So FREAKING missed the mark!

Why have I been avoiding posting?

I think I've started a post 3 or 4 times and always have deleted it or semi-intentionally never gotten anywhere with it.

Why?

I think a big reason is because I don't want to sit here and complain. Another is because I don't want to admit that I'm not any closer to even starting on the path toward any of the goals I want to reach.

I feel so pathetic, but I really feel like I'm losing the grasp on who I am.

I have no idea how to or ability to manage being me and being a mom. I feel like I'm failing so miserably at both.

I'm really starting to wonder about being depressed again. I really don't want to take meds again, but this isn't a whole lot of fun. I'm not "depressed", I'm not "sad", I'm just not enjoying much these days. This isn't something I can will my way out of right now... trust me, I've been trying.

I feel like my words are so hollow. Whenever anyone makes a comment about how busy I must be, my usual response is "yeah, but what a wonderful reason to be busy!" That is totally how I feel, but there are no emotions behind those words anymore. They're hollow.

I'm feeling so out of control. I feel like I can't control anything around me. So, in comes those old thoughts and habits (destructive habits) that were my "way" of controlling something. I can rationalize those away and I'm not falling back in to old habits, but here they come creeping back into my brain.

J made the comment last week that it was the first time that he'd seen me smile in a long time. Ugh! Tell me that's not a knife through the heart.

Where have I gone - the real me? How come I'm so incredibly inept at balancing life? Why have I let myself fall off the priority list? How do people do this and stay a person?

So, this is why I haven't updated. I've lost me. If you see me, can you send me home? I'd love to be that person again!

Me again!

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, but I feel like I need to explain my absence from this blog.

I wish I could write here daily.

I'm not sure anyone would want to read what I have to write these days. J says I'm grumpy a lot. I'm not grumpy, I'm frustrated and angry.

I have lost the battle of keeping any part of my identity before I became Mama. Please don't get me wrong - I love being a mama. I love these two little girls and they are the only reason I'm keeping it together.

I love my husband and I, in my world, we are "til death do us part", but I've seriously had enough of him.

I'm tired of making excuses for why he does NOTHING around the house and with the girls. I think he's battling a serious case of the lazies and possibly a little depression, but I'm about to throw him out... for a few days.

If you asked the last time we hugged/kissed, let alone sex, I couldn't tell you. If given the choice of a romantic date night or a few hours with friends and no husband, I'd take the latter. I know I love him, but I don't like him very much right now.

I started making a list of the chores around the house and who does them on a regular basis:

Me: meal planning, grocery shopping, shopping of all household items, cleaning the kitchen, cooking, cleaning the floors, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning all three bathrooms, stripping beds, making beds, laundry, folding laundry, dressing the girls, changing diapers, feeding the girls, bathing the girls, bedtime.

Jeremy: laundry (on weekends if I haven't already done it all), bath time (occasionally), cleaning (on the weekend, if someone is coming and there's nothing on tv).

So what does he do with his time? He sits on his computer reading, playing games, etc. Last night I yelled at him because I was trying to get dinner ready, both girls were yelling, Kara needed her dinner, Jana just wanted to be held and played with and there he was sitting on the couch with the football game on.

Did I mention that I asked him for no candy in our stockings, so I could not be tempted to eat it (we both know I have NO self-control with chocolate). What did he do? he bough so much junk food that it filled two one-gallon ziplock bags. I asked him to come home early (meaning leaving when he is supposed to instead of staying at work for an extra hour to hour and a half) so I could run two days a week. He was supposed to come home yesterday so I could run. Yeah, he showed up at 5:30, instead of 3:30.

Am I crazy for being mad? Why is it like this? Should I not expect him to help more? Am I asking too much? My mom (who of course is on my side, so she's not so helpful) believes it's depression: being so overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done that he does nothing.

I feel like I have come so far from who I want to be. I am angry at J so much these days.

I guess, in the end, all I have to say is THIS SUCKS!!!!!