Why have I been avoiding posting?

I think I've started a post 3 or 4 times and always have deleted it or semi-intentionally never gotten anywhere with it.

Why?

I think a big reason is because I don't want to sit here and complain. Another is because I don't want to admit that I'm not any closer to even starting on the path toward any of the goals I want to reach.

I feel so pathetic, but I really feel like I'm losing the grasp on who I am.

I have no idea how to or ability to manage being me and being a mom. I feel like I'm failing so miserably at both.

I'm really starting to wonder about being depressed again. I really don't want to take meds again, but this isn't a whole lot of fun. I'm not "depressed", I'm not "sad", I'm just not enjoying much these days. This isn't something I can will my way out of right now... trust me, I've been trying.

I feel like my words are so hollow. Whenever anyone makes a comment about how busy I must be, my usual response is "yeah, but what a wonderful reason to be busy!" That is totally how I feel, but there are no emotions behind those words anymore. They're hollow.

I'm feeling so out of control. I feel like I can't control anything around me. So, in comes those old thoughts and habits (destructive habits) that were my "way" of controlling something. I can rationalize those away and I'm not falling back in to old habits, but here they come creeping back into my brain.

J made the comment last week that it was the first time that he'd seen me smile in a long time. Ugh! Tell me that's not a knife through the heart.

Where have I gone - the real me? How come I'm so incredibly inept at balancing life? Why have I let myself fall off the priority list? How do people do this and stay a person?

So, this is why I haven't updated. I've lost me. If you see me, can you send me home? I'd love to be that person again!