Me again!

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, but I feel like I need to explain my absence from this blog.

I wish I could write here daily.

I'm not sure anyone would want to read what I have to write these days. J says I'm grumpy a lot. I'm not grumpy, I'm frustrated and angry.

I have lost the battle of keeping any part of my identity before I became Mama. Please don't get me wrong - I love being a mama. I love these two little girls and they are the only reason I'm keeping it together.

I love my husband and I, in my world, we are "til death do us part", but I've seriously had enough of him.

I'm tired of making excuses for why he does NOTHING around the house and with the girls. I think he's battling a serious case of the lazies and possibly a little depression, but I'm about to throw him out... for a few days.

If you asked the last time we hugged/kissed, let alone sex, I couldn't tell you. If given the choice of a romantic date night or a few hours with friends and no husband, I'd take the latter. I know I love him, but I don't like him very much right now.

I started making a list of the chores around the house and who does them on a regular basis:

Me: meal planning, grocery shopping, shopping of all household items, cleaning the kitchen, cooking, cleaning the floors, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning all three bathrooms, stripping beds, making beds, laundry, folding laundry, dressing the girls, changing diapers, feeding the girls, bathing the girls, bedtime.

Jeremy: laundry (on weekends if I haven't already done it all), bath time (occasionally), cleaning (on the weekend, if someone is coming and there's nothing on tv).

So what does he do with his time? He sits on his computer reading, playing games, etc. Last night I yelled at him because I was trying to get dinner ready, both girls were yelling, Kara needed her dinner, Jana just wanted to be held and played with and there he was sitting on the couch with the football game on.

Did I mention that I asked him for no candy in our stockings, so I could not be tempted to eat it (we both know I have NO self-control with chocolate). What did he do? he bough so much junk food that it filled two one-gallon ziplock bags. I asked him to come home early (meaning leaving when he is supposed to instead of staying at work for an extra hour to hour and a half) so I could run two days a week. He was supposed to come home yesterday so I could run. Yeah, he showed up at 5:30, instead of 3:30.

Am I crazy for being mad? Why is it like this? Should I not expect him to help more? Am I asking too much? My mom (who of course is on my side, so she's not so helpful) believes it's depression: being so overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done that he does nothing.

I feel like I have come so far from who I want to be. I am angry at J so much these days.

I guess, in the end, all I have to say is THIS SUCKS!!!!!