Awake again

It seems to be a weekly occurrence, but here I am, awake, with too much on my mind.

I feel so guilty. I've been so tired lately, so I'm not doing a good job of keeping up on the house cleaning or cooking. I honestly don't know what happens to my time, but I don't seem to have much of it these days. Jana's naps seem to go by so quickly and I discover it's time to go again. I did manage to vacuum the downstairs rugs once this week and swept the downstairs once, but not much of anything else got done. I get so frustrated, but at the same time, I have no energy.

As I listen to my poor daughter struggling to fall back to sleep, I'm feeling terribly guilty. I just needed to check on her. I've found myself watching her sleep the last few days. She's so peaceful, precious, and cute. Unfortunately this time she woke up and started screaming at me for waking her up. I didn't mean to. The worst part is J woke up and got mad at me for her screaming because he knew I went in to check on her. I just love to watch her sleep. I love her dearly and love that sweet and spunky personality, but she barely stops long enough for me to give her a little hug and a kiss when she's awake. I feel like I miss her when she's sleeping. I definitely need the break when she's sleeping, but can't seem to get enough of her.

I feel like I'm being a bad mom. I know part of it is my outrageous level of hormones right now, but I feel like I'm on the edge of tears all the time. I'm so tired, sore, and uncomfortable (and I know it's going to only get worse) that I find myself counting down time instead of enjoying the moments. I know I'm going to be so sad when another milestone passes and she's less of a baby, and I just don't appreciate it enough. I'm glad she's a happy, active, and independent little girl, but I miss the cuddling, the hugs, the burying her head in my chest. While the belly makes it difficult to cuddle her, she doesn't seem interested in the cuddling - she just wants to move and play.