Writing it so I can move on.

I feel like all I've done on here is whine lately, but I'm hoping that I can start to get over this soon so I can move on. So hopefully this will be my last vent/whining session.

Why am I in such a funk? Everything is fine - I should be happy. I can't tell what is worse: the way I feel or how mad I am at myself for feeling this way. I know it's not helpful, but I feel guilty for feeling this way when I know there are people struggling with things that are so much bigger than my dumb issues and they are handling it so much better than I am.

I work next week. On one hand I'm really excited to get out and do something different than our daily routine. I get to feel like a professional again, work with some adults, and feel like a productive member of society again. However, I don't want to be away from Jana for two days. I think this just typifies my wacko-frame of mind right now. I want to be away from her, yet dread being away from her. I can't wait for her to take naps during the day, but then have this crazy and irrational desire to go wake her up at night so I can be with her. I swear I'm becoming (or become more of) a nut job as time goes on.

My mom told me that something was going on with my sister, but wouldn't tell me what. After pressing a bit, because of me worrying about Kaley's health, she fessed up to part of it. Craig, my brother in law, is having some problems. I don't know if I've talked about this but because they live in AK, they have terrible health insurance and couldn't afford to have kids. C finally got a job, instead of working with their own business, so they could have health insurance. C is older, I think he's 42ish and K is 34 this month. They moved to Alaska because of his job and then they ended up leaving that a company and starting their own business. It's been tight, but K has worked very hard and has taken it over basically. C did nothing really for months and then he got this job offer and took the job. Well, so I've been told, that he quit his job last week, but luckily, his boss didn't accept his resignation and made him go to a counselor. The counselor immediately referred him to dr because it was more than she could handle. The dr did a full physical and also a mental screening. He was diagnosed with clinical depression and I guess found some other things too, that mom wouldn't go into with me.

I've always worried about K and C. They seemed so much happier when they were dating and moved away from all of us soon after getting married. They have a strong group of friends up there, but C always seems to do thoughtless and careless things that none of us ever understood. I know K wants kids, but there has always been something in the way: her health, or insurance issues. It's been hard to talk to her since I got pregnant again because I know that is what she wants and she feels time ticking away.

K and I have always had a weird relationship. Part of that is because we're 4 years apart and she always saw me as being the dumb little sister and I always saw her as being the mean older sister. But, whenever it's something big, we're there for each other. We drove up when she had her aneurysm, and she flew down when Jana was born. The day to day interactions are strained more often than not, but I still love her dearly and am worried about her.

So, this is part of the reason I feel like such a jerk for being in a funk. I'm not dealing with these tough issues that others are.

But all I want to do is sleep (or lay down and do nothing). If it wasn't for Jana, I'm not sure I'd get out of bed. I have no interest in eating and don't eat much during the day, except for dinner (probably part of making my heartburn worse). I thought part of it was the gray-gloomy weather, but it's been nice the last two days and it hasn't been that much better. I know J's exhausted too, but he has to function at a higher level than I do, but I get so frustrated with him when he comes home and immediately gets on his computer instead of spending time with Jana - to give me a rest. I was almost in tears last night when I was doing the dishes after giving Jana a bath alone (it's getting harder and harder to do that by myself and J just disappeared).

I think part of it is that I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. I know this baby is going to come and everything is going to change. I really want to start running and training for a race- any race, just something. I really want to start on my diet and lose weight. I really want to start feeling good, not embarrassed about how I look. I know that I'm pregnant and look pregnant, but I also know that I am chubby. I'm sick of it. I just want to get started on being me again, not mommy and a pregnant woman. I know I will regret wishing time would speed up and not treasuring every moment with Jana now. I just can't help feeling like I just want to get started.

Maybe now that I've vented, I'll feel better and a nap will help.