A little perspective and cheer

First of all, thanks Sara for your kind words and inspiration to make this a better Christmas. I know I struggle greatly with change and that is part of why I'm taking it so hard.

I'm pretty sure J made the connection between my teary breakdown and our lack of Christmas celebration. So he called his parents and told them they were coming over for Christmas day. I'm making us a big breakfast. I'm also going to ask them to bring over some of their games. I know we're a little strapped for cash, but I'm going to go buy a puzzle and a new game for us to all play with on Christmas day. I have a $40 return/gift card for Target that I was going to save for baby stuff, but I think this will be a good use for it. I need a little Christmas!

I know I'm going to get into trouble, but I did go buy J a present yesterday. He's been drooling over the Discovery Team "Champ-se-Lise" (sp?) jersey since July. It's something he'd love to own as well as something he'll wear on his rides. It was a bit spendy, but he's spent so much money on me and my maternity clothes, that I feel it's justified.

So, I've already decided that tomorrow evening, we're going to look at the Christmas lights.

I'm also going to wrap up the present I have for J and put it under the tree to drive him crazy for a few days :)

I'm really okay with not getting presents for Christmas. I just can't stand not giving presents. It really bothers me to not be able to surprise my husband and show him that I listen and know what he'd love. He's done so much for me and is my rock. I just can't stand the idea of not spoiling him, even just a little. Plus, I don't know what I'd want anyway. Stuff for the baby?

Well, anyway, I'm doing better and am thinking a little more optimistically as this Christmas approaches. I'm leaving my cookie making until tomorrow, so that I have something festive to do and that would be out of the ordinary so I feel like it's Christmas.

Warning: A Little Holiday Blues

I feel like a selfish and spoiled brat, but I need to vent.

Here is my complaint: My inlaws don't want to do anything with us for Christmas until the 26th. They only live 15 minutes away and I was told "Well, if we want to do something with them, we can ask." That means we're doing nothing with anyone for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. What the heck?!?!?!

I'm so not used to this. This has been my holiday routine for as long as I can remember. On Christmas Eve, my family goes to a movie. Then we come home, get dressed up, go to church, and then go to our friends' house for a Christmas Eve Party. We stayed there until 10ish. We drive through the neighborhoods that do huge light displays on the way home. Then we would open my Grandma's presents to us kids (because they were always games or movies to watch) since we always stayed up late. Christmas morning, we'd build a fire in the fire place, drink hot chocolate or cider and open all our presents. After we were done with presents, we'd make a huge breakfast: egg casserole, fried bread, homemade muffins, fruit, bacon and sausage, and fresh squeezed orange juice. After breakfast, we'd either help dad clean up the present mess or help mom clean up the breakfast mess. Then, still in our pajamas, we'd sit down and watch one of the movies someone got. The rest of the day was spent watching football, working on a puzzle or playing games. Then we'd have the huge Turkey dinner with pumpkin pie.

So needless today, Christmas is a huge family holiday to my family.

I'm just having a hard time with the idea that Christmas and Christmas Eve will be just like any other day around here. We don't have any presents under the tree and I broke the rules and bought a present for J because I couldn't stand the idea of not having a present for him. We don't have any money this year and we just spent what we didn't have on baby furniture. I'm okay with that, but compounding that with no family or celebration time and it was too much.

I broke down earlier, but wouldn't tell J why. I just played it off as a hormonal moment. I hate to do that, but what do I say? I hate Christmas with your family? This is the way it's been since we've been married. They either tell us to go spend it with my parents or we don't do anything. The last time we actually had Christmas with them, I managed to drag them all to church on Christmas Eve. Then after the 4:00 service, J and I went home. Then we begged them to come over for Christmas breakfast on Christmas morning. They did and then left. We went over to their house later and we hung out, watching TV until Meghan came home at like 8:00. Then we opened our presents and J and I went home.

I understand that not everyone celebrates like my family does, but it's hard. Especially when J is trying to convince me to no longer spend Christmases with my family and start our own traditions. I can tell you right now what Christmas will be like. We'll sit in the house all day on Christmas Eve and maybe I can drag J out to go look at the Christmas Light. If I want to go to church, I'm on my own. Then Christmas Day, we'll get up and watch football like any other Sunday. I think J has stuff for our stockings, but we won't have any presents except for the one I (illegally) bought. SIL M won't be coming into town until the 26th and even then, we're only doing dinner.

Am I so wrong to want to do something special for Christmas? Why does it seem wrong that I want to spend time with family for Christmas? Why do I feel like I'm being a spoiled brat when I'm upset that Christmas is going to be like any other day?

I use to love the holidays. I looked forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas for months. I loved the family time. I loved the fact that it was the only time of the year that we'd all willingly spend time together, in the same room, interacting. We'd work on puzzles, play games, watch movies or football together. No one would go hide in his/her room. No one would spend hours on the phone.

I know that some of the magic of the holidays wears off when we hit adulthood, but I actually dread the arrival of the holidays and spend most of my time faking my enjoyment. J seems to hate the holidays with my family and his family treats them like any other day. I think he gets me so wound up about it that I don't enjoy the time with my family.

So I guess through this vent, I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm not ready to give up my family's holidays yet. I know we want to start our own family traditions, but it's not like Junior will really "enjoy" Christmas next year. What am I giving up my family's holiday for? What traditions are we going to start? J won't go to church with me. We don't have friends or family that want to get together with us here. Sure, I can see it in a few years when Junior is older and maybe has a sibling, but now? Why? I know there's the idea that if we don't start the traditions with our first, we'll never get to have our own traditions, but what traditions are we going to have?

Sorry to be such a downer. I'll come back when the holiday mood is better.

Christmas Break, finally!

I've been in lazy mode since break started. I have accomplished very little: cleaned the kitchen, slept (horribly), shopped a little, walked, worked out, and now, bought baby furnature.

I'm looking forward to Christmas, but sadly to say, it'll be pretty quiet. It'll be J and I and his parents. Sister M will be here Christmas night. I'm hoping to come up with something fun for us to do on Christmas Eve and Morning. Last time we were here for Christmas, we hosted breakfast, so we'll see if we do that again.

This is going to sound horrible, but I love Thanksgiving with J's family, don't really enjoy it too much with mine and love Christmas with mine, but it's not as much fun with J's. I know it has more to do with the fact that we all get together for my family's Christmas and we've never had a Christmas with all of his family; someone is always working and can't make it.

Here are some pics of the baby's room as far as it is completed.





Here is a link to the webpage for the furnature we bought.
http://www.babysdream.com/catalog/infinity_col.htm


Here are some belly pics I took today, so they are 27 weeks, 1 day.

Smacked upside the head

I was terribly afraid to go to school today. I think I burst into tears about 15 times yesterday. I'm so terrible at not taking things personally, so it's hard not to feel personally attacked through all of this.

So, today I put on a happy face, treated myself to a Peppermint Hot Chocolate on the way to school and faced my day with a fake smile, fake confidence, and a faint hope that people would leave it alone today.

As I stood outside my classroom (we have to supervise the hallway before school, between classes, and after school) one of my students from last quarter came up, with tears in her eyes to talk to me before class. She was fighting a migraine, just got dumped by her boyfriend, and forgot to eat breakfast. Without a thought, I offered her my bagel and she gladly accepted. Her mood began to change instantly and gave me a hug before she ran off to class. Smack upside the head #1. That's why I'm here.

First period went incredilby; one of my best teaching days in weeks. The lesson in the book was good and I managed to get them on task and working so hard on a really difficult topic. (For those of you who remember math, I'm trying to teach my freshman how to factor polynomials right now. Not an easy one). And the fabulous part was that they got it, and we covered two lessons in one day. I felt so focused and was putting so much focus on them that I managed to forget the BS for that whole hour and a half. Smack upside the head #2. What a gift: great students who work hard and trust me enough to try to understand this hard topic!

I hid in my room for most of my prep, but had to go make an overhead for my 3rd period class. While walking out of the library, I ran into the crisis counselor that has been working with my student I feel like I'm losing. I ask if I can talk to him about the kid and in front of my principal (the ass) says how wonderful it is that I want to help this kid that has been nothing but a pain in my class and he'd love to talk to me about him. (I couldn't have planned it better if I had tried). My principal, and two of my asst. principals (who all got the emails yesterday, by the way) all walked by as the counselor, the kid and I were brainstorming ways we could get him back on track and be successful. (Score 2 points for me, so now not only do they all know what I'm doing for this kid, they see me doing this the day after I got publicly shit on my some of my ass-kissing peers). In this conference, I find out that this kid is being evaluated for Bipolar disorder and a laundry list of others because of his extremely out of control behavior. We come up with a system to keep his behavior in check and an escape plan for him when he's starting to lose it. He's smiling and as happy as I've seen him because he feels like he can do this. Smack upside the head #3. I'm more than a Math teacher; I can help these kids learn so much more about life.

Blocks 3 and 4 went well, continuing my great teaching day. I feel like I connected more with kids than I have in a while. One of my kids (the one I've been struggling with that I met with earlier today) said he was amazed with me. He couldn't believe how nice I was to kids and how hard I worked while being pregnant. He commented that there was no way he could ever do that. That was a huge compliment for me and meant so incredibly much. (I'm so scared of being that psycho pregnant woman.)

Then I get home and finally check the board and see that my friend Sheri has gone into labor. Smack upside the head #4. There is so much more to life than my teaching.

While today was actually a great day (shocking considering what I went through yesterday), I am reminded once again of what is important and that I really need to work on letting go.

Even after yesterday's horrible day, I came home last night and we had J's department over for their Christmas/White Elephant party. We had a good time and I was able to leave my day behind for a few hours.

So once again, I am reminded that I need to keep a better perspective on life.

I have such a blessed life. I have an amazing husband, a house that is our own, talents and gifts, a family that loves me, a family I love, friends that support me, a set of beliefs and values that are of high quality, and the opportunity to have a positive affect on people. What a blessed life I lead!

Mean people and the bigger picture

So, today ranks among the worst of my teaching career. No, it wasn't problems with kids or with my lessons. It had everything to do with my idiotic collegues. Today I got, well, abused. Some of the most horrible things I have ever heard were said about me. Oh, it would have only been so bad if they were actually said to me. No, they were broadcast on district email to EVERYONE in my building. I still have no clue why people are being so irrational about this. It's simple. The school district was in violation of the contract. We called them on it. They tried to call our bluff, thinking we'd back down. So now we're going to arbitration. Yet, now there is a group of people who hate me. Yes, hate. It is the most ridiculous thing I have ever experienced.

I think the worst part of this is that I spent an hour talking to my department coordinator yesterday about this issue. I thought she really understood my side and felt resolved on the issue. Then I got to school this morning to find an email from her publicly voicing all those misgivings that we had cleared up. Any respect I had for her is gone. Any loyalty I felt toward her is gone. She opened the door to all these other individuals to rip me to shreds. She later had the guts to come and try to give me a hug. I believe the exchange went something like: "Hi how are you?" Astonished stare and intentionally awkward silence. "Uh... I've had better days." "Oh, is this about the email...." "J-, this is not the time." "Well, I want to talk to you about it." Another forced awkward silence and glare with complete contempt in my eyes. "I have absolutely nothing to say to you." "But Lindsay, I want to talk..." "Too bad for you. I have nothing to say to you." And with that I turned back to the copy machine and let her stand their staring at me for at least 60 seconds before she walked away.

There seems to be a reoccuring theme in my life lately: drama and people being irrationally angry at me for following the letter of the rules. So this must mean one of a couple of things. Either the values and beliefs that I'm basing my decisions on are wrong or these other people are wrong. I'd like to think my values and beliefs aren't the problem. Maybe it's my execution of acting on those beliefs. I'm not disrespectful. I'm not rude. I'm often too trusting and too forgiving. But can it really be them and not me?

Yet I feel like God sends me reminders that I'm okay and acting in the right way. One of my students from last year randomly came back to visit me today. She just missed me and wanted to say hi. Another one came by today to let me know she was having a better day today than her breakdown yesterday. Three of my collegues took the time to come by and give me hugs and tell me how much they appreciated me. Another one just stopped me to tell me how cute I am pregnant, which was her way of telling me that she supports me. Others took the time to stop me and say hi.

But if I am doing the right things, why I am meeting so much animosity? Why is this so hard? For the first time in my life, I am sticking my neck out there and doing what I think is right. I have gone along with everyone and everything in the past. I have never been known for standing up, let alone standing up loudly. And now that I do, holy shit don't stand too close, you'll get burned too. People are actually scared to be seen with me.

In my overly self conscious mind set, I over anazyle everything and try to find any value I can. The one thing that rings clear to me through all my "adventures" this year is that school is something I have to keep a perspective on: I love my kids, I love teaching my kids, and I need to come in, do that part, ignore the adults and go home. I have also had it reinforced to me time and time again that my family, not my career is what is important.

So as I go through this time, I need to keep reminding myself of this. I need to stick to my morals and ethics. I need to follow what I whole-heartedly believe is the right path. And the most important thing is that I need to be able to brush off what isn't important and what is hurtful or I will go insane.

I need to remember that I have a wonderful husband. He spent his weekend, while I was away, putting up the wallpaper boarder and the valance in the baby's room. He cleaned out the garage. He also finished the built-in mantle/shelving unit he built. He is so wonderful and thoughtful. That is what matters in this life. Not the other crap. I need to focus on my friends, family, and many gifts in my life and let the other stuff go.

What's the prayer? "God please give me the strength to change the things I can, patients to accept what I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference."

What I would have said if I was brave

I wish I was brave. I wish I could stand up to idiotic people. I wish I had the guts to say the things that I feel and think. But, alas, I'm kind of a chicken.

Today we had a staff meeting and the president of the union and our uni-serve rep came to explain and answer questions about the whole grievance issue. All I can say is that PEOPLE ARE SO DUMB!!!! I can't even begin to understand where they are coming from.

Some people tried to use the excuse that this is such a small issue, they didn't know why we were fighting it. Small issue? Cutting 30 minutes off my prep time: my time to grade papers, plan for lessons and do the bullshit paperwork that I am required to do? And the administration does this every time we have an in-service day or conference day. People were actually mad that we were trying to get them their proper time and compensation.

I know that being a teacher is more than a job; it is part of who I am. I would be a much different person if I was not an educator. It molds my values, beliefs, experiences and focus in life. However, it isn't a disability, which is what many people treat it as. My being a teacher does not need to prohibit me from performing tasks in my life, like having sanity or being able to devote quality time to my family. So many of my collegues use it as an excuse as to why they have less time for their kids and spouses, why they can't have hobbies, why they are out of shape and in poor health.

If there is one thing I have learned this year is that it doesn't have to be this way. We make choices! And a person has to make his or her choices based on those priorities. If being at your child's game/performance/whatever is your priority, then the papers just don't get graded that day. As a teacher, each individual has the opportunity to structure his or her class in such a way that either minimizes or maximizes teacher work load. I started this year structuring my class in such a way that my work load was insane. Now that I have tried something new, I have come up with a system that allows me to bring home almost nothing on a daily basis. Yes, I need to use my prep time very efficiently, but I don't have to spend 4 or 5 hours every day at home doing school work. I've made the choice that that kind of sacrafice - that kind of martyrdom isn't necessary to my well-being. Is my kids' learning suffering? No. Are they have to work harder and be more responsible for their work? Yes. Is that a good thing? Absolutely.

So here is the end of my rant. I'll sum it up in a few statements. We all make choices. You are not allowed to wear your choices of martyrdom on your sleeve as a badge of honor and ask for pity and praise when it can be done other ways. And don't you dare tell me I need to do the same. I'm a damn good teacher. I'm an incredibly caring and supportive adult to these children. I deserve my personal time, my protected prep time, and my sanity. I'm sorry you can't find a way to make it work. I'm sorry that your personal life isn't important enough for you to work harder to find a way to work more efficiently. But, don't you dare take my time away from me.