Warning: A Little Holiday Blues

I feel like a selfish and spoiled brat, but I need to vent.

Here is my complaint: My inlaws don't want to do anything with us for Christmas until the 26th. They only live 15 minutes away and I was told "Well, if we want to do something with them, we can ask." That means we're doing nothing with anyone for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. What the heck?!?!?!

I'm so not used to this. This has been my holiday routine for as long as I can remember. On Christmas Eve, my family goes to a movie. Then we come home, get dressed up, go to church, and then go to our friends' house for a Christmas Eve Party. We stayed there until 10ish. We drive through the neighborhoods that do huge light displays on the way home. Then we would open my Grandma's presents to us kids (because they were always games or movies to watch) since we always stayed up late. Christmas morning, we'd build a fire in the fire place, drink hot chocolate or cider and open all our presents. After we were done with presents, we'd make a huge breakfast: egg casserole, fried bread, homemade muffins, fruit, bacon and sausage, and fresh squeezed orange juice. After breakfast, we'd either help dad clean up the present mess or help mom clean up the breakfast mess. Then, still in our pajamas, we'd sit down and watch one of the movies someone got. The rest of the day was spent watching football, working on a puzzle or playing games. Then we'd have the huge Turkey dinner with pumpkin pie.

So needless today, Christmas is a huge family holiday to my family.

I'm just having a hard time with the idea that Christmas and Christmas Eve will be just like any other day around here. We don't have any presents under the tree and I broke the rules and bought a present for J because I couldn't stand the idea of not having a present for him. We don't have any money this year and we just spent what we didn't have on baby furniture. I'm okay with that, but compounding that with no family or celebration time and it was too much.

I broke down earlier, but wouldn't tell J why. I just played it off as a hormonal moment. I hate to do that, but what do I say? I hate Christmas with your family? This is the way it's been since we've been married. They either tell us to go spend it with my parents or we don't do anything. The last time we actually had Christmas with them, I managed to drag them all to church on Christmas Eve. Then after the 4:00 service, J and I went home. Then we begged them to come over for Christmas breakfast on Christmas morning. They did and then left. We went over to their house later and we hung out, watching TV until Meghan came home at like 8:00. Then we opened our presents and J and I went home.

I understand that not everyone celebrates like my family does, but it's hard. Especially when J is trying to convince me to no longer spend Christmases with my family and start our own traditions. I can tell you right now what Christmas will be like. We'll sit in the house all day on Christmas Eve and maybe I can drag J out to go look at the Christmas Light. If I want to go to church, I'm on my own. Then Christmas Day, we'll get up and watch football like any other Sunday. I think J has stuff for our stockings, but we won't have any presents except for the one I (illegally) bought. SIL M won't be coming into town until the 26th and even then, we're only doing dinner.

Am I so wrong to want to do something special for Christmas? Why does it seem wrong that I want to spend time with family for Christmas? Why do I feel like I'm being a spoiled brat when I'm upset that Christmas is going to be like any other day?

I use to love the holidays. I looked forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas for months. I loved the family time. I loved the fact that it was the only time of the year that we'd all willingly spend time together, in the same room, interacting. We'd work on puzzles, play games, watch movies or football together. No one would go hide in his/her room. No one would spend hours on the phone.

I know that some of the magic of the holidays wears off when we hit adulthood, but I actually dread the arrival of the holidays and spend most of my time faking my enjoyment. J seems to hate the holidays with my family and his family treats them like any other day. I think he gets me so wound up about it that I don't enjoy the time with my family.

So I guess through this vent, I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm not ready to give up my family's holidays yet. I know we want to start our own family traditions, but it's not like Junior will really "enjoy" Christmas next year. What am I giving up my family's holiday for? What traditions are we going to start? J won't go to church with me. We don't have friends or family that want to get together with us here. Sure, I can see it in a few years when Junior is older and maybe has a sibling, but now? Why? I know there's the idea that if we don't start the traditions with our first, we'll never get to have our own traditions, but what traditions are we going to have?

Sorry to be such a downer. I'll come back when the holiday mood is better.