Mean people and the bigger picture

So, today ranks among the worst of my teaching career. No, it wasn't problems with kids or with my lessons. It had everything to do with my idiotic collegues. Today I got, well, abused. Some of the most horrible things I have ever heard were said about me. Oh, it would have only been so bad if they were actually said to me. No, they were broadcast on district email to EVERYONE in my building. I still have no clue why people are being so irrational about this. It's simple. The school district was in violation of the contract. We called them on it. They tried to call our bluff, thinking we'd back down. So now we're going to arbitration. Yet, now there is a group of people who hate me. Yes, hate. It is the most ridiculous thing I have ever experienced.

I think the worst part of this is that I spent an hour talking to my department coordinator yesterday about this issue. I thought she really understood my side and felt resolved on the issue. Then I got to school this morning to find an email from her publicly voicing all those misgivings that we had cleared up. Any respect I had for her is gone. Any loyalty I felt toward her is gone. She opened the door to all these other individuals to rip me to shreds. She later had the guts to come and try to give me a hug. I believe the exchange went something like: "Hi how are you?" Astonished stare and intentionally awkward silence. "Uh... I've had better days." "Oh, is this about the email...." "J-, this is not the time." "Well, I want to talk to you about it." Another forced awkward silence and glare with complete contempt in my eyes. "I have absolutely nothing to say to you." "But Lindsay, I want to talk..." "Too bad for you. I have nothing to say to you." And with that I turned back to the copy machine and let her stand their staring at me for at least 60 seconds before she walked away.

There seems to be a reoccuring theme in my life lately: drama and people being irrationally angry at me for following the letter of the rules. So this must mean one of a couple of things. Either the values and beliefs that I'm basing my decisions on are wrong or these other people are wrong. I'd like to think my values and beliefs aren't the problem. Maybe it's my execution of acting on those beliefs. I'm not disrespectful. I'm not rude. I'm often too trusting and too forgiving. But can it really be them and not me?

Yet I feel like God sends me reminders that I'm okay and acting in the right way. One of my students from last year randomly came back to visit me today. She just missed me and wanted to say hi. Another one came by today to let me know she was having a better day today than her breakdown yesterday. Three of my collegues took the time to come by and give me hugs and tell me how much they appreciated me. Another one just stopped me to tell me how cute I am pregnant, which was her way of telling me that she supports me. Others took the time to stop me and say hi.

But if I am doing the right things, why I am meeting so much animosity? Why is this so hard? For the first time in my life, I am sticking my neck out there and doing what I think is right. I have gone along with everyone and everything in the past. I have never been known for standing up, let alone standing up loudly. And now that I do, holy shit don't stand too close, you'll get burned too. People are actually scared to be seen with me.

In my overly self conscious mind set, I over anazyle everything and try to find any value I can. The one thing that rings clear to me through all my "adventures" this year is that school is something I have to keep a perspective on: I love my kids, I love teaching my kids, and I need to come in, do that part, ignore the adults and go home. I have also had it reinforced to me time and time again that my family, not my career is what is important.

So as I go through this time, I need to keep reminding myself of this. I need to stick to my morals and ethics. I need to follow what I whole-heartedly believe is the right path. And the most important thing is that I need to be able to brush off what isn't important and what is hurtful or I will go insane.

I need to remember that I have a wonderful husband. He spent his weekend, while I was away, putting up the wallpaper boarder and the valance in the baby's room. He cleaned out the garage. He also finished the built-in mantle/shelving unit he built. He is so wonderful and thoughtful. That is what matters in this life. Not the other crap. I need to focus on my friends, family, and many gifts in my life and let the other stuff go.

What's the prayer? "God please give me the strength to change the things I can, patients to accept what I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference."