And So it Begins!

This last week was just a small taste of the chaos that is coming in the next few weeks. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the next few weeks. I also have the most admiration for all these women who go through morningsickness and have to work. By the end of this week, I could barely stand up during camp and I was only working 5 hours a day. I have no idea how I am going to survive next week. Here is the schedule for next week:

7:30 Be at field to set up for try-outs
8:00 - 10:00 Morning Try-out
10:30 - 12:00 Go to class I have to take (2 1/2 hours late)
12:00 - 1:00 Lunch
1:00 - 3:00 Go to class I have to take
3:30 Be at field to set up for try-out
4:00 - 6:00 Evening Try-out

I know this doesn't sound like much because many women work a much worse schedule, but having been off for two months, it just seems to be pure agony looming ahead.

People are starting to get very, very suspicious. I have one of the mothers of my soccer girls come up to me and asked why I looked so sick. I said I was puking all day and think I have something that is going around. She says Pregnancy isn't going around and I know you're pregnant. Uhhhhhhhhh. I was not at the top of my mental game and stammered out a less than convincing retort. Needless to say, she knows, now, but then we had a long talk about miscarriages and pregnancy. She had one between each of her 3 kids and one before the first. I know it happens, but it's nice to hear first that miscarriages happen to lots of people and second that people who even have multiple still have families.

I am also coming to grips with the fact that I need people. I cannot live in a vacuum. I need people to talk to, listen to, bounce ideas off of, share my fears with and to be reassured by. That is just how I work. I wish I didn't need people. I wish I was strong enough to handle everything on my own, but that's not how God made me. J has had no problem with keeping this a secret. He doesn't need anyone or at least gets his needs fulfilled through his relationships with me and his parents. I'm just not that way and he has such a hard time understanding why.

5 days until my appt. I can't wait to see the heartbeat again and to hear that everything is fine. I was reading that the development changes at 10 weeks and even then, you have a really good indicator of whether everything will be okay. So even if I'm a week off (which is what I suspect since I think I o'd on cd 21) I'll be at 10 weeks instead of 11 and they can tell me if everything is going to be fine (or at least with a high probablility). I just want to feel a little reassured. I know puking yesterday reassured me, but I'd rather not have to puke to be reassured :)

I must go jump in the shower. I am getting a pedicure with one of my friends today in Portland. We're going to go out to lunch as well. Yeah! It should be fun.

Dreams: Why do we have them?

I'm not a big fan of dreams right now. In one of my books I read that it is common to have very vivid dreams that are disturbing.

For example, it is common to have a dream about either you or your husband cheating on each other. They said that it omes from a fear of being able to satisfy your husband and take care of him like you have before. Okay, I'll accept that. Still disturbing, but I'll take it.

Another one they said was common, was to dream about your baby and either having something wrong with the baby or you doing something that harms the baby, like leaving the baby somewhere. They said that stems from a fear of not being able to be as good of a mother as you want to be.

But, there's no explanation for the ones I've been having. I don't have to think too hard to know why I'm having these dreams, but man, oh man, they suck. I have had at least one dream every night for almost a week where I am either miscarrying or have just miscarried. I know it is probably just my mind cycling through my fears, but it is still very disconcerting. I have over a week until my appiontment and I"m going nuts.

I haven't felt very sick lately. Yes, I know it's supposed to start getting better after 8 weeks, but it has gotten significantly better in a few days. I do wonder if it was because I had to be better yesterday because of camp and so I just did a better job of ignoring it more.

Oh, the joys of fear. I thought I would do a bit of research to comfort me. I tried to look up how much the chance of m/c drops after you see the heartbeat, but instead I found a bunch of people who had seen the h/b, but still miscarried. Great!!! That's so what I needed.

I know I'll survive until next Thursday. I hope this is just an irrational fear. I just wish I could see that everything is okay. It makes me sad that I spend so much time worryinng. I wish I could be confident and reassured. I guess this is one of those lessons that we learn and grow from. We don't always know everything and we don't know what God's plan for us is.

A Year Later

First of all, totally unrelated to my post. What the heck with the odd comments/advertisements on my last post. I'm so glad that companies and people have now found a way to ruin this. First came telemarketing phone calls, then spam email and now these stupid posts. I need to find out if I can block those people from posting comments. Grrrr!!! Do they really think that I'm going to take the time to go look at their sites when they interupt the sanctity of my personal blog? Idiots! :)

Okay I'm over it.

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I feel badly for J. I was a total grump last night. He disappeared for a couple of hours to go work with this collegues, but I didn't know that and thought he was just hanging out without me. I am starting to get a little bored which added to the irrationalness of my reaction.

Well, one year ago today I was in the hospital in Jackson, WY. One year ago, I discovered for sure that my baby had stopped developing at 7 1/2 weeks. A year ago I had one of the most painful experiences of my life. So where am I now a year later?

I know that I'm a lot stronger than I thought. I never would have imagined I could have survived all that.

I know that I don't need to have my mother's approval to feel confident in my own abilities.

I know that I am a great teacher, but I do have some options for when teaching is no longer fulfilling.

I know that I can have a passionate sex life with my husband.

I know that J and I are in this together forever.

I know who my close-real friends are and I also know those who are only there when they need something.

I know that I would be okay with adopting a child or children to complete my family.

I know that my SIL is a great supporter of me when the rest of my family doesn't seem to be.

I know that the love and support that I receive from J's family means a lot to me.

I know that I am definitely done coaching this year.

When I think about this year and all the struggles I've been through, I honestly feel like I'm in the same place I was at this time last year. I have a feeling that has more to do with me being pg and having the fear in the back of my mind that things won't work out.

There is always an opportunity to learn from every experience in life. I have the chance to learn about myself, re-evaluate my priorities, learn about others, and my relationship with others.

Here's to a new year with new opportunities to learn and grow. I pray with all my heart that my year will include the progression of my healthy pregnancy, the birth of our first child, and continuing growth and flourish of J and my relationship.

Peace, Blue Water, Warm Sand, and A Little Puking

I love the beach. It's actually warm here (a rarity on the Oregon Coast). Maiya loves the beach, too.

So far it's been a fun trip. All of J's collegues are super nice and it's been fun hanging out with them. J and I have had a little time together in the evenings. Yesterday we got to go for a walk on the beach and play fetch with Maiya. That was really fun. I'm hoping that we will do that again even thought Maiya and I just took a walk down there. She's sound asleep on the floor right now.

I think I'm starting to feel ready to start the year. Or at least I am for the moment because I haven't puked today. (I discovered Preggie Pops and so far today they've worked pretty well). I'm in a remarkable good mood and have enough energy so far today that I feel like maybe I can do this.

I talked to MIL today and gma is doing okay. They couldn't wait 4 days to thicken her blood before doing surgery this time, so she had surgery on Monday. She came out okay and she's pretty much out of it. MIL and SIL are going down there this weekend to find a new nursing home for her. The one they are looking at has a great staff, but is definitely more of a nursing home than the previous one. That makes MIL and grandpa R very sad. My MIl was crying when I talked to her.

I puked again yesterday (shhhh, YEAH!!!). It's such a relief to get sick these days. It's such a good sign. Especially now that we're past the point where it stopped developing last time. However perverse this sounds, it's like God's little sign to me that I don't need to worry and that everything is going well.

I still can't believe that I'm getting a tummy already. I'm sure it's just bloating, but for a girl who has big boobs and have always had a flat stomach, I feel funny.

I went shopping, hee hee! I know I shouldn't, for fear of jinxing, but I did. I have a denim skirt that has an elastic waist, a cute shirt that has a drawstring under the boobs, a crossover-type lightweight sweater type thing, and then today I bought a dress. It's too big now, but it is sooooo cute! It's red, spaghetti strap with embroydery flowers all over it. It has an empire waist and a draw string under the boobs. I've definitely had too much fun shopping. I hope J doesn't get mad :)

First Baby Pic

Guess How Much I Love You

As I sit here on the verge of tears (and puking) and thank my healthy hormone levels, I really start thinking about all the things that are going on around me.

J is an absolute sweetheart. We have this long standing history with the book "Guess How Much I Love You." I bought it for him the first year we were dating. We liked it because there's Big Nut Brown Hare ( J ) and Little Nut Brown Hare (me). When he was in Spokane, he found the greatest Baby Book of all time. It's the "Guess How Much I Love You" Baby Book. He just gave it to me. I cried (go figure).

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I'm so sad about J's Grandma. She's been struggling for a long time with her demensia. I've been around long enough to see her change, but the last few months are been so hard. Here's the story: GMa M J fell in May and broke her hip. Up until them she's been living in a progressive care facility in a condo with GPa R. To be able to repair her hip, they needed to take her off the blood thinners she's been on for her demensia. From what I understand, demensia causes the blood vessels in the brain to become constricted so their is a decrease in blood flow in the brain, causing the memory and balance issues. So when they needed to thicken her blood so they could do surgery, essentially the pressed fast forward on the progression of her illness. Her short term memory is gone. She couldn't even remember not to cross her legs after her hip surgery. So, needless to say, getting her to remember to do her physical therapy was virtually impossible. So she had to go into a rehab facility and then got moved to the "memory ward" of the nursing home of their progressive care facility. Gpa R had his hip surgery with the idea that he could help her with her physical therapy. He got released from the hospital early because he was doing so well. But today it got worse. Gma MJ fell and broke her other hip. There is a man in her wing of the nursing home who walks around and will open every door a few inches. What we understand is that she tried to chase him after he opened her door and that is when she fell. Apparently their care wasn't enough for what she needed. So now she is facing a hip surgery again. First comes the blood thickening routine, then more trauma to her brain, and then the surgery.

Needless to say, things don't look good. Even before this fall, Gma MJ wouldn't even get up to go to the bathroom. She saw it as too much of a bother and since she needed help, she might as well just have them help clean her up (if there is even a thought process here). MIL is obviously very upset (it's her mother). When J talked to his dad, P was crying, Aunt Boo was crying and so was Gpa R.

I've never seen and understood the slipping of life like this before. My Gpa B died long before I was born, Gma M died when I was 3. Gpa W was in a nursing home from multiple strokes for years before I was born. He did die while I was in Middle School, but it was almost more of a relief than anything else. Dad never showed any emotion about Gpa W, but we knew never to complain about going to see him on Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Father's Day and his B-day. But I never knew him as anything other than a man who could only say "Oh boy." I knew he recognized us (or atleast knew we were company for him). But this is very hard. I know it is scary for my MIL. Demensia is hereditary like alzheimers. Her grandma had alzheimers, her mom has demensio and I know that scares her to death for what will happen to her.

Now that I've talked about all this sadness, I don't remember what else I was going to say that was happier.

It's been a while!

I'm not quite sure why I haven't blogged in a while. Part of me was thinking there was nothing to say. Part of me was too tired. Part of me was too sick. Part of me is too scared to jinx anything.

I feel like right now I'm all consumed with this pregnancy. I don't have a whole lot else going on right now, so it's all I think about. I feel crummy most of the time and then worry when I feel fine. I finally puked on Sunday, but haven't since. I still am not sure why I did then and not any other time. I really want this first trimester to hurry up. I want to be able to take a deep breath and relax a bit. I want to be able to enjoy it, but I don't think that will happen until I have another ultrasound, hear the heartbeat and am past the first 14 weeks.

My mother kills me. I mentioned that J was going to be out of town this week and so she invited me to come up and stay with them. I said I'd let her know. Well, I got an email today from my sister in law asking when I would be up so they could make plans. Then I get a phone call from my mom telling me that I was babysitting my nephew on Saturday at their house. WTF!!! The obstinate part of me says, "well, then I'm not going," just to piss her off. The other part of me thinks, "they haven't seen me since I announced I was pregnant and won't see me until soccer season is over at the end of October and I won't see my nephew until then either." The good daugher/sister/aunt part of me says I should go. The evil child who wants independence says I shouldn't go. But knowing me, I'll probably go. Mom will once again say something nasty to me about parenting, pregnancy, my life, who knows, then I'll get mad, threaten to leave early, but won't and then we'll ignore each other the rest of the time I'm there. Don't you love the mother-daughter dynamics of the midly disfunctional?

I had a coaches meeting today. I'm a little nervous about this season. I feel like I'm half-assing it already. I don't feel like I"ve put in as much as I should by now. Although my assistant coach is so gung-ho about it, that he wants to take over a lot of my responsibility. I have a feeling that it's going to turn into a deal where I'm doing a long of the paper and office work, while he's doing a lot of the coaching. We are working him into my position for next year, but it'll be an interesting situation. He's my age, but still a totally single-bachelor who parties all the time. Yeah, not me at all. I just hope I can rely on him.

So, I'm feeling "fat" these days which I keep thinking it's too early to "feel" fat. I can't button most of my shorts anymore. I think part of it has to do with my lack of exercising. I promised J that I wouldn't exercise until I could eat more. I am definitely at that point where I can't suck in my stomach anymore. I keep thinking that I must be imagining things because I can't be getting bigger already. Plus, I can hardly eat anything, so where is this coming from? I'm not upset about it by any means.

Now that I've babbled about everything under the sun, I'm going to try to get dinner ready for J when he comes home from his 3 1/2 hour ride. I'm also trying to do his laundry so he can pack to leave in the morning.

Question: How can I post my ultrasound pics? Anyone know?