I think I understand now

I was talking to a friend today (another one who knows, bad me) and I was telling her how much of a basket case I was yesterday and it just came out.

I was telling her how the tech said "I don't think you're as far along as you think you are." I think it was an instant flash back to the tech in Wyoming who asked if I was sure I was as far along as I thought. That was when I measured three weeks off and was told they couldn't find the heartbeat.

I think that is why that was the one thing I focused on and why it got to me so much.

I'm hoping I can start to relax about everything.

I wish I could relax

Elisa update: She went to her dr on Monday and they did an ultrasound and saw a clot. It's called a subchorionic hemmorage. They gave her a 20 to 50% of miscarrying. The heartbeat was pretty high (172). She's very scared. She has another appt on Monday. I wish she didn't have to go through this. She's having such a hard time right now. I love her to death, but she's the type that has always gotten everything she wants and never had any huge obstacles. She just doesn't know how to cope with this. No one ever deserves to have this fear and no matter what she'll be faced with this fear for the next 9 months.

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Me update.

I had my ultrasound today. I was measuring about a week behind what I thought I would be. That scared me a lot, but I know I shouldn't be. We did get to see a little heartbeat. It was really neat to see.

I think J is mad at me right now. My neighbor accidentally blew it. She told her husband and then didn't tell him to keep his mouth shut, so he said some thing. J hasn't really said anything (at all) to me since we came in. I can tell he's mad but won't talk to me. I understand, but at the same time, he needs to remember how I work. I don't get support from my family like he does. I get support from my friends. I have friends that help me through things; that's how I cope. While he can keep everything in and deal with it by himself, I'm not made like that. I hope he doesn't stay mad at me for too long.

I can't tell if I'm just exhausted because I can't sleep, overly emotional, feeling horribly sick, feeling off because I can't seem to eat, or what, but I just feel so off. I should be doing backflips. The chance of miscarriage just dropped to 5%. I just saw my baby's heartbeat for the first time and I could barely keep myself from shaking and crying, but not necessarily in relief.

But I guess this is what the first trimester is all about: Exhaustion, nausea, uneasiness.

So Far So Good

The dr. appt went fine today. It was the intake stuff.

She did tell me that my numbers looked good. I didn't ask the exact numbers, but she did say that it was highly unlikely that I would miscarry again. I'll feel better when I see the heart beat tomorrow.

yeah, for tomorrow. Our appt is at 1:00. J has a haircut at 12:30, so I hope he makes it. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Too tired to think of anything else to write.

Prayers for Elisa

As J and I were walking around downtown Portland, laughing and joking about how terrible I was feeling and how much of a relief it is, my phone rings. Expecting to see one of a few numbers appear on the caller ID, I was suprised to see Elisa's name. She never calls. We always email or write cards. It became apparent imediately by the tone of her voice that something was wrong. My heart broke as she explained that she couldn't talk to anyone, but knew she could talk to me because of what I'd been through.

She proceeded to explain that she had just left the ER because she started bleeding and she is 8 weeks pregnant. She got no help from her dr's office, so she went to the ER. Despite seeing a strong heart beat of 157, she was diagnosed with a hemmoraged placenta. She's terrified. The only relief I could offer her was Carrie's story. The sadness and fright in her voice made me want to cry. Elisa's tough. She's always the one who can handle anything.

It's amazing to me how easily we forget how fragile life is. So many people take their "luck" for granted. I know that statistically it is in the favor of people who get pregnant easily, have no issues during pregnancy and give birth with no major complications. However, the process is so incredibly complicated and miraculous - it is forgotten how many opportunities there are for things to go wrong.

I am not begrudging anyone who has had this fortune. While I will spend (hopefully) the next 34 weeks worrying, I do value my perspective and am grateful for my enhanced understanding and appreciation for this gift.



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Me update-

I have had an increased amount of morning sickness. Yesterday was a much worse day than I'd had in a while (YAY, YAY). I'm still getting really dark lines on the pg tests I'm taking. I'm back to being exhausted too.

For me

I know that I should remain positive. I know that I should be thinking good thoughts, but I just can't seem to. I've done my crying for the day. I've done my time of feeling sick with worry.

I think this is going to go the way of the last one.

I'm not wanting pity; I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself. I don't want to be lectured about staying positive.

I'm writing this down for myself. I can see where I am and how I'm feeling (or not feeling), so I can use this as a reference at a later date.

My boobs didn't get big like last time. They didn't get sore until a few days ago.

My m/s has gone away. I spent a week feeling moderately nausous, a few days feeling pretty bad for atleast part of the day and then now I have nothing.

I haven't been nearly as tired as I was last time. I haven't taken a nap in two days and today I didn't need one.

My boobs aren't nearly as sore as they've been.

I don't have to pee all the time. This afternoon when we were out running errands, I didn't need to pee for over 4 hours.

I had a dream that my sil was pg too. I remember saying that we'd be about two weeks apart and we'd go through this together. I remember everyone looking at me and saying that there's no way this one was going to make it for me and at least they'd have hers.

For some reason I just have this feeling way down inside that it's too late and this one isn't going to make it either.

* * * * * * * *

I told my parents today. I didn't really want to tell my mom, but I knew that if I didn't and everything goes fine, she'd be really mad that mil knew and she didn't. When I told my dad, he was really cute about it. He said he'd be secretly excited and cross his fingers, toes, and pray a lot. My mom's response was: "Really? Are you sure you wanted to tell me that? I thought you would have kept it to yourselves this time." And she wondered why I didn't want to tell her. She wonders why there is no way in hell we'd move up there with them. She wonders why we don't have the as close of a relationship as MIL and I do.

Maybe it's just between my dream and my mom's comment that I'm feeling like this today, but I just feel so certain.

So far, I'm not impressed with my dr. I called them at 1:00 ish. They gave a message to the triage nurse. When did they call me back? 5:00. 4 hours later. Are you kidding me? I'll call first thing in the morning and if they tell me that she'll call me back, I will be bitchy enough to ask if it will take her 4 hours to call me back again. I guess I could go back to my first dr and say that I was never to have that other dr again.

God, please give me the strength to make it through this. Thank you for giving me a husband who loves me despite my antics, issues, and shortcomings. And if it's not too late, please, please, please let me have this baby, a healthy baby that J and I want so badly.

Is it for real this time?

I sit here at my computer (in the dark), staring at the background of my desk top. It's a picture of my wonderful nephew. I love him to death. If you were to walk around my house and see the pictures of him everywhere, you might think he was my own child. But, no. I think of how easy if was for L and R to get pg. I think of how easy her pgcy was. I think of how easily R found a new job and now L can stay home with TJ. I know they have struggles of their own, but I think of how easy their adventure of becoming parents has been and I will admit that I'm jealous.

Today I had no m/s. None at all. So, now the worries creep back in my head and here I am on the verge of tears, scared to death that I'll lose this one too. I'll admit that I'm not "over the mood" or "on cloud nine." I sure wish I could be, though. I'm scared. A lot.

I find myself praying a lot lately. I feel so selfish in my prayers however. I feel like I'm a spoiled child, begging for something, promising to be good if I get it. I don't know what else to do though. I'm scared.

I don't want to tell anyone. Not even our families. I don't think I'm ready to be excited yet. I don't know if I can handle hearing the sadness in my MIL's voice again. It's funny that I had a horribly hard time telling my MIL, who is willing to be emotionally available to me, and very little trouble telling my mom about the m/c.

As the tears run down my face I keep worrying, worrying that once again, my heart will be broken. I feel selfish for saying that. I feel like I should be ecstaticly happy. I feel like I should be overjoyed. I feel like it's very selfish of me to be scared like I am.

I wish there was a distinct sign that everything is going to be okay. I AM overjoyed when I have m/s. But even then I'm afraid that it won't last.

9 days until my first dr appt. I know there will be nothing in that appointment that will confirm the health of my baby, but I still wish it was here now. I'm going to beg - I'm not above crying for an early u/s. I keep hoping that once I see the h/b, I'll feel better-I'll be reassured. At least a little. I just want to see him (since that's what J thinks it is) and his h/b and him measuring over 7w3d. At my appointment I'll be 6w5d. I guess we'll just have to see what they'll do for us.

J was so excited at first. Now, we haven't talked much about it in the last two days. I think he's getting scared too, but for some reason we won't talk about it. I think right now, it's like if we keep ourselves emotionally detached, it'll be easier later. I feel almost like we're just waiting-in a holding pattern. Neither one of us has made any movements or suggestions toward getting my pg stuff out of the attic. I am still wearing my normal bras (even though the underwire isn't touching my ribs).

I guess I'm just having a bad day emotionally. I hate it when I get in these "pity me" moods. Grrrr! Tomorrow will be better, right?

Should I be excited or scared?

I don't think it has really sunk in yet. It's a fleeting acceptance. I am fully aware of the fact that I'm pg when I'm doing everything I can to not puke, but at times llike now it doesn't seem real.

Here's the path of the last few weeks:

First I wasn't sure I O'd before dh left on his trip. FF said I did, but them moved the date by 4 days, meaning we'd have missed our chance.

6 dpo- I had a dream that I was very pg.

8 dpo- Dh had a dream that I was pg with a boy.

9 dpo- I started feeling nauseous

10 dpo- I had to wash every piece of clothing I had with me because everything smelled horribly.

11 dpo- All I could smell was pee.

14 dpo- Tested late morning (after 3 pees) and it was an instant bfp.

So now what:

I called my new dr (we'll see how this goes) and they won't see me until July 25th. Then they won't see me again until August 25th. I called my NP that I saw earlier in the year and she said she's recommended for me to have an early u/s and to request it at my appt on the 25th. So until then... I POAS. I have two tests to burn before I go buy more :)

I'm a little freaked out about this. I know I'm way more nauseus already this time, but still. My due date is March 15th. Exactly 7 days after my due date last time.

Dh is so cute about it all. He keeps asking me how I'm feeling. We both grin after I tell him when I don't feel good. I know many women dread m/s for someone who has had a m/c, it's a welcome and even invited sign. Dh keeps calling he "Hot Mama." It sounds dumb, but I love it. When I was shaking right after the test, he told me that I better stop. "What do you thing we have in there? A can of paint? Haven't you ever heard of shaken baby syndrom? You have to stop shaking!" It's funny and not funny at the same time :)

Dh wants to tell our families soon. I'm not so sure. I think I'd rather tell them in a few weeks after we've had an u/s and we've seen that everything is okay. It would be nice to share it with somebody, though. I have a very very hard time keeping secrets.