For me

I know that I should remain positive. I know that I should be thinking good thoughts, but I just can't seem to. I've done my crying for the day. I've done my time of feeling sick with worry.

I think this is going to go the way of the last one.

I'm not wanting pity; I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself. I don't want to be lectured about staying positive.

I'm writing this down for myself. I can see where I am and how I'm feeling (or not feeling), so I can use this as a reference at a later date.

My boobs didn't get big like last time. They didn't get sore until a few days ago.

My m/s has gone away. I spent a week feeling moderately nausous, a few days feeling pretty bad for atleast part of the day and then now I have nothing.

I haven't been nearly as tired as I was last time. I haven't taken a nap in two days and today I didn't need one.

My boobs aren't nearly as sore as they've been.

I don't have to pee all the time. This afternoon when we were out running errands, I didn't need to pee for over 4 hours.

I had a dream that my sil was pg too. I remember saying that we'd be about two weeks apart and we'd go through this together. I remember everyone looking at me and saying that there's no way this one was going to make it for me and at least they'd have hers.

For some reason I just have this feeling way down inside that it's too late and this one isn't going to make it either.

* * * * * * * *

I told my parents today. I didn't really want to tell my mom, but I knew that if I didn't and everything goes fine, she'd be really mad that mil knew and she didn't. When I told my dad, he was really cute about it. He said he'd be secretly excited and cross his fingers, toes, and pray a lot. My mom's response was: "Really? Are you sure you wanted to tell me that? I thought you would have kept it to yourselves this time." And she wondered why I didn't want to tell her. She wonders why there is no way in hell we'd move up there with them. She wonders why we don't have the as close of a relationship as MIL and I do.

Maybe it's just between my dream and my mom's comment that I'm feeling like this today, but I just feel so certain.

So far, I'm not impressed with my dr. I called them at 1:00 ish. They gave a message to the triage nurse. When did they call me back? 5:00. 4 hours later. Are you kidding me? I'll call first thing in the morning and if they tell me that she'll call me back, I will be bitchy enough to ask if it will take her 4 hours to call me back again. I guess I could go back to my first dr and say that I was never to have that other dr again.

God, please give me the strength to make it through this. Thank you for giving me a husband who loves me despite my antics, issues, and shortcomings. And if it's not too late, please, please, please let me have this baby, a healthy baby that J and I want so badly.