Is it for real this time?

I sit here at my computer (in the dark), staring at the background of my desk top. It's a picture of my wonderful nephew. I love him to death. If you were to walk around my house and see the pictures of him everywhere, you might think he was my own child. But, no. I think of how easy if was for L and R to get pg. I think of how easy her pgcy was. I think of how easily R found a new job and now L can stay home with TJ. I know they have struggles of their own, but I think of how easy their adventure of becoming parents has been and I will admit that I'm jealous.

Today I had no m/s. None at all. So, now the worries creep back in my head and here I am on the verge of tears, scared to death that I'll lose this one too. I'll admit that I'm not "over the mood" or "on cloud nine." I sure wish I could be, though. I'm scared. A lot.

I find myself praying a lot lately. I feel so selfish in my prayers however. I feel like I'm a spoiled child, begging for something, promising to be good if I get it. I don't know what else to do though. I'm scared.

I don't want to tell anyone. Not even our families. I don't think I'm ready to be excited yet. I don't know if I can handle hearing the sadness in my MIL's voice again. It's funny that I had a horribly hard time telling my MIL, who is willing to be emotionally available to me, and very little trouble telling my mom about the m/c.

As the tears run down my face I keep worrying, worrying that once again, my heart will be broken. I feel selfish for saying that. I feel like I should be ecstaticly happy. I feel like I should be overjoyed. I feel like it's very selfish of me to be scared like I am.

I wish there was a distinct sign that everything is going to be okay. I AM overjoyed when I have m/s. But even then I'm afraid that it won't last.

9 days until my first dr appt. I know there will be nothing in that appointment that will confirm the health of my baby, but I still wish it was here now. I'm going to beg - I'm not above crying for an early u/s. I keep hoping that once I see the h/b, I'll feel better-I'll be reassured. At least a little. I just want to see him (since that's what J thinks it is) and his h/b and him measuring over 7w3d. At my appointment I'll be 6w5d. I guess we'll just have to see what they'll do for us.

J was so excited at first. Now, we haven't talked much about it in the last two days. I think he's getting scared too, but for some reason we won't talk about it. I think right now, it's like if we keep ourselves emotionally detached, it'll be easier later. I feel almost like we're just waiting-in a holding pattern. Neither one of us has made any movements or suggestions toward getting my pg stuff out of the attic. I am still wearing my normal bras (even though the underwire isn't touching my ribs).

I guess I'm just having a bad day emotionally. I hate it when I get in these "pity me" moods. Grrrr! Tomorrow will be better, right?