Losing my grasp

When I started this whole stay-at-home-mom gig last spring, I thought it was a "simpler" life. I had time at home, so life was easier. I thought since I would be home with Jana, she'd be benefitting from my singularly focussed attention. I thought that most days I could have the house straightened and some kind of dinner.

Oh, how wrong I am! The longer I do this, the more respect I have for working moms. How in the hell do they do it all? I can't even do this part of being a wife and mom and I don't work. I feel like I'm losing my grasp on the chores and order that I wanted.

I set up a schedule for cleaning. I thought it would be manageable because I gave myself one or two jobs per day and that was it. Oh, how wrong again! I've mopped the kitchen, bathrooms, and entry way tile floors. That's it! My poor daughter crawls on floors that haven't been swept since last week and crawls on area rugs that haven't been vacuumed in as much time as well. (Those are two of my necessary chores because with the dog, there is hair everywhere.) I've barely done 4 loads of laundry. The only thing I've successfully done is kept up with the dishes.

I feel like I'm cheating my daughter. I thought because I would be home with her, that would be a benefit to her development and learning. I'm really starting to doubt that. I think I coddle her too much.

Example: her eating. She's almost a year old and refuses most table foods. I know that is because we didn't work hard enough earlier on to get her use to food textures. I vaguely remember reading or my pedi saying that there was a window and if you don't get them onto table foods by then it's going to be very difficult after that. I think we were so worried about allergies that we were too slow and cautious with introducing foods and now I don't know what to do. What she will eat: Cheerios, bananas, carrots (sometimes), more cheerios, peas (after she's skinned them), puffs, sometimes apples and pears. What she refuses to eat: melons of any kind, cheese, toast, green beans.

Example: She has no interactions with other children. I guess I've always thought she's too young, but now I'm realizing she's not and she is fascinated with other kids. We were at the furniture store today and she crawled away from us to get closer to another little girl, roughly the same age, that was near by. She stares at them and watches them. She followed her cousin, TJ, everywhere last weekend. I've contacted a MOMS group, who won't return my call, but there are very few options around here. There's a Meet up group that plans things only for the evenings and weekend, but that is our Daddy time. We have no Gymboree, Little Gym, etc. We have an indoor play center during the winter, but it sounds like it's meant for much older kids.

I think I've made her too dependent on us. When I read my "What to Expect in the First Year" (I know, mistake #1), I was shocked at what they were talking about for 12 month olds. I know she's not quite a year yet (in one week), but I feel l ike we've kept her a baby, instead of helping her grow into a toddler.

Here is where she is at:
* She says: Dada, Daddy, Hi Daddy, Mama (occasionally). Sometimes we swear we hear Maiya (the dog), No Maiya (oops, we say that too much), up, hi. She's a chatter box, and sounds like she's trying to put sentences together (nonsensical sounds), but I'm not sure we're getting any closer to words.
* She's a great crawler and pulls herself up on everything. She rarely sits anymore and wants to be on her feet unless she's trying to get somewhere. She's crusing on furniture and starting to take risks and reach farther to the next item to cruise. However, she shows no interest in trying to walk while holding our hands or stand on her own. She's also great at going up the stairs, but hasn't tried going down.
* She claps, waves, and points. She'll play follow the leader with those three things, but won't do anything more than that.
* She mimmicks sounds, sometimes. I got her to copy me and her toy and say moo everytime I'd show her the cow and push the cow button.
* She is also almosts off the bottle. She took formula from a sippy cup with no problem. She actually takes the sippy cup with no problem... except that when she holds it, she can't drink it, so we have to help her.

I feel like I don't expose her to enough and I can tell she's starting to tire of her toys. Her new favorite toy is the stairs. If I look away and don't have the gate up, she's gone. It is nice because I don't have to carry her up them, but scary at the same time.

I know it is probably exhaustion, hormones, etc, but I really feel like I'm falling apart as a mom. J keeps making comments about how great of a job I'm doing being a mom and housewife, but I just don't feel like it. I'm so tired all the time that I feel like I don't get anything done. In the mornings, I count down the minutes until Jana's nap because I'm so tired, I want to lay down. How the hell am I going to do this with two? I guess the first answer to that is that I won't be pregnant anymore and that will make it easier.

I don't want to complain too much because I know I live a very, very blessed life with so many gifts right now, but I'm getting a bit tired of the down sides of pregnancy: feeling huge, puking (yah, that's come back too), the heartburn, the gagging, not being able to sleep, sciatic nerve pain, back aches, and this one having a dance party every time I lay down to sleep. I know that someday I may miss this whole experience (because if this is a boy, I'm done!), but knowing that I'm only 22 weeks and have anywhere from 13 to 18 weeks left..... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!