Just getting this out of my system

So I feel awful for even being this way, but since I've been in tears all morning, I am trying to write on here and see if I can get it out and move on.

I know he didn't mean it, but J made me so mad last night. Keep in mind that I've been sick with the stomach bug as well as struggling with morning sickness. So, he was changing Jana's diaper and noticed these scratch marks on her dresser/changing table. Keep in mind, we went nuts and bought some pretty nice stuff for her. After yelling at me to come up stairs to look at it, he determined that they were dog nail marks and it was my fault because when we don't have Jana's hamper up there, I just stack her dirty clothes on the dresser. He decided that the dog has been going after her dirty clothes because of food left on them from when she eats. So then he launches into a speech about how my laziness just ruined the finish on our really nice dresser.

Not to be petty, but have I ever mentioned the hardest part of keeping my house clean is the clutter... J's clutter. Right now, I have moved all of his shit to the kitchen island and it's a disaster. Not to mention the three, yes, three power cords that are down here for his computer.

Call it a tempter tantrum, I don't care, but I have removed all of his shit from everywhere and it is going in a bag for him to sort through. Jana is into everything and we can't have this crap out. And if I'm going to be called on my laziness, I'm calling him on his.

I also just woke up pissy this morning. My sciatic nerve is killing me and I woke up with a sore back. Today is one of those days that I'm really, really thinking that getting pregnant so fast was not the greatest of ideas. I'm huge and I feel like my body is falling apart. And I still have forever to go.

I'm sad that Jana's one today. I feel like I haven't treasured this time enough. I feel like there are so many things I meant to do before she was one.

I'm excited because she's so much fun and gets more fun by the day, but at the same time, she's not my little baby anymore. I start crying every time I start thinking about it being her birthday.

I wonder if part of it is because we're not doing anything big for her birthday and I feel guilty. Other than J's parents, we don't have any family close by to celebrate with. I can't seem to get anyone to call me back about play groups or mom's groups, so it's not like we have friends to celebrate with.

Okay, enough feeling sorry for myself. Time to shower and pull myself out of this funk. I need to finish cleaning and then go visit J at school. He forgot his lab towels in the drier and took the wrong car today. So, I think we'll pick up some cookies and bring them to him and his lunch group during their lunch. Then we have to go to Winco (grocery shopping), Costco, and Shopko. Then I need to make dinner and banana bread for Jana's mock-birthday cake.