It's been a while!

Life has been exceedingly crazy.

I'm finally done teaching. Thank God for that! I wasn't going to make it much longer. I found out part way through the day on Monday the 16th that I would be done that day. I, unfortunately, still have papers to grade and haven't given them as much attention as maybe I should have been over the past few weeks. Oh well. I'll get them done this weekend and call it good.

I started my contract job on Tuesday the 17th, and then my online teaching job on the 18th. Since then, we've been busy.

We went up to Seattle to go to Jana's first Seahawk game and told our famlies about me being pregnant again. My famly was not as supportive as one would like, but it was totally expected. Jeremy's family was, of course, excited for us.

I've been very, very tired and started getting sick on Tuesday. I think that is the part that is going to be really rough. I'm having a hard time with Jana and how sick I am, not to mention not getting work done that I feel like I should.

Other than that, life is fine. I'm definitely feeling overwhelmed these days. I'm having lots of dreams that consistently involve me not being able to handle whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing. I guess that is where all of my fears about being able to handle it are going.

We've decided that it's time to start weening Jana. We're going to try to keep the am and pm nursings and possibly one more during the day. So that will mean one to two bottles of formula a day. I think it's getting too hard on me now that I'm so sick again and Jana seems to have more plumbing issues because she's not hydrated enough.

Someone has figured out how to move herself across the hardwood floors and has wedged herself in the corner. She's yelling for some rescuing, so I better go.

No crawling yet, but she's definitely mobile!

Finally, the weekend: time to decompress

What a long week! I've already taken a nap tonight because I'm so tired.

We had our first dr's appointment today. The nurse was less than friendly through the entire thing, until she told me that I needed to stop breastfeeding Jana and I started crying. She totally softened then.

She said I could be anywhere from 7 weeks to 9 1/2 weeks along. We have an ultrasound schedule for the 18th. That's so far away!!! I think I'm going to go out and buy a few more tests to make myself feel better :). I know, I'm a loser. I took probably close to 20 tests with Jana, and I've only taken 3 so far this time. (I'm such a loser).

One of my former students is the u/s check-in nurse and so I had to check in with her today to schedule my u/s. She asked how far along I am and I could only answer, "I have no idea. 7, 9 weeks maybe!" Plus, Jeremy is carting around Jana in her car seat. I know people were looking at us. The nurses were staring at us as soon as Jeremy came in with Jana. I almost wanted to say something, but wasn't brave enough. If I go through this whole pregnancy with people staring at me because I also have Jana, I'm going to scream.

I didn't know how to answer the question of: Is this a planned pregnancy? The options were yes or no. I seriously contemplated making a box that said sort of. We weren't preventing. We did want them around 18 to 24 months apart. We never expected to get pregnant so quickly (especially with how long it took with Jana). I finally decided on the answer of yes* . The * means: got pregnant more easily than we ever expected. I know, I'm a nerd.

I told my students today that I'm leaving. My first period class, who I am really close to, was really sad for the most part. They asked if they could throw me a going away party. So sweet! I'm really going to miss that class. I really enjoy teaching them, a lot. I didn't tell my 3rd period; there are only 3 kids in there that I think are even nice people, and I'll tell them privately. The rest of the thugs and gangbangers can know on my last day. I did tell my 4th period and there was one girl that was upset because we're pretty close and she's one I left last year too. They also asked if they could throw me a going away party, but I think that was more of a request to have a day off!

I can't wait to get out of there. Jeremy made a comment today that really struck home with me. I need to get out of there because (real or not) I do not feel safe at school. I let those 3rd period kids get away with way more than I have ever let any class, but I am unsure of how the kids will react and don't trust their reactions at all. That is a sure sign that it is time for me to go. As a teacher, I should never be scared of my students. That is a sign that I can't do this anymore. I am scared of something happening to me because of Jana and now I'm worried about something happening to me and this baby.

I'm not so sure why I'm such a scaredy-cat these days. After having Jana, I'm always so nervous to have her out in some places, which is not how I've been before. Say, the cheapy grocery store I go to. I used to go there in the middle of the night, but now feel uncomfortable having her there in the middle of the day. I don't know what exactly I'm afraid of, but I'm just really uneasy. I'm hoping once I'm out of school that will change and I'll relax a bit.

When I told my kids that I had something to talk to them about, one kids blurted out, "You're pregnant!" I tried to play it off, but know I turned red. Oops!

Jeremy's plan on how to tell everyone got ruined. He had planned to do a large family pic at the Seahawk's game on the 22nd. He bought himself, me, his dad, his brother, Jana, and his grandpa Seahawk jerseys. Jana's was the only one that wasn't a counterfeit, so he had to return them all. (Did you know it is illegal to own a counterfeit jersey?) He decided that the Karma police would come after him if he kept them (LOL). Such a nerd! (for his logic at least).

Both Jeremy and I have almost blown it a few times with our parents. I'm hoping that we can at least make it until our u/s before we say anything. Once I see the little bean is doing well, I'll feel so much better about saying anything to anyone. Here's to hoping that I don't slip up and tell people (anymore than I already have, oops!). I'm terrible about keeping secrets. I'm being a horrible friend and talking to no one until I can tell them. It's just so hard for me.

I better go grade papers before I fall asleep tonight.

Honesty Feel Free To NOT Read This One!

If you choose to read this, please don't be offended by anything I say. This is me getting some of this out so I can be less of a basket case.

I'm having a rather emotional evening. I tried to go to bed about an hour ago, and it just isn't working.

I feel like I am the worst mother. I set a goal of breastfeeding Jana for a year. Jeremy has bad allergies and we were recommended to breastfeed for as long as possible. Jeremy even only said six months, but I wanted a year, want a year. And to be honest, I don't necessariy "love" breastfeeding; I just know it is the best thing for my daughter. But here I am with her only being 7 1/2 months old and I don't think we're going to make it much longer. I nursed her 4 times today and pumped 3 times. From those 3 pumpings, I only got 4 oz, all together. That's not even the one bottle Jeremy gives her when I'm gone. She doesn't seem to mind when she actually nurses and seems to do okay, so she must not be starving, but I can't seem to pump to save my life. This also kills me because I just spent $220 on a brand new pump that I've only had for maybe a month. I keep catching myself thinking that if I was a good mother, I would be able to go a year.

I also feel like horrendously guilty. (Please don't be offended, but I feel I need to get this out.) Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to be pregnant with our second child. I 150% want this child. I feel so blessed and feel that this child is a gift.... But, I can't help but feel terrible for G. We weren't even trying yet, just being a little careless. So why do we deserve this amazing gift? Why? I know she would not want me to feel this way, but I can't seem to help it right now. I feel guilty.

I spent my childhood being the appeaser. I always wanted everyone to be happy and to have no conflicts. When there were conflicts, I somehow felt personally responsible. I guess when you spend your young life being controlled by guilt, it doesn't just disappear as an adult.

I feel so guilty about leaving my students. One of the girls that I've had for two years in a row that I like very much said to me the other day that I couldn't leave until she was done with school. I couldn't abandon her again. Yet, here I am only possibly three days away from leaving her, abandoning her again and she doesn't even know it. And my little autistic boy. He's going to be devistated. One of his particular issues that comes with his autism is that he is deeply sensitive. He will probably grieve me leaving as if I had died. Ugh! More guilt!

I know what I'm doing is right. I know that being home to raise Jana is the most important thing to me. I know I have an amazing gift to be able to financially do this. I just have guilt. I wasn't honest with my students at the beginning of the year like two of my friends were. I knew that I would crack if I had students being turds to me because they knew I was a "sub." But now, they've gotten attached to me. They've got it in their heads that I'm there teacher for the year, and now it's time for me to leave them.

I just want to stand in front of a mirror and yell, "GET OVER IT!"

I feel guilty about Jana. These are probably irrational fears, but I worry, with a newborn and her only being 16 months old. What if we don't pay enough attention to her? What if I miss enjoying one of her milestones because I was worrying about or tending to the other baby? Is it fair to her to have our attention split at so young of an age? Should we have been more careful? Am I a good enough mom to give enough attention and love to both? I don't know. I do know that if I hadn't gotten pregnant, I probably wouldn't be having this issue with breastfeeding.

I also worry about losing this one. I know there's more stress on my body this time. I gave birth only 7 1/2 months ago and am trying to breastfeed. I'm not in as good of shape as I was last time. I think I'm starting out heavier than I was last time. I feel like I have so many questions and concerns that maybe I'm not grateful enough for this child. Everytime I feel anything down there I start thinking about it being the beginning of a miscarriage. What is wrong with me?

And then I wonder why my milk supply has decreased... ;)

Relax. Deep breaths. I know that "this too shall pass." I know that I am sooooooo incredibly fortunate to have the multitude of gifts in my life that I do. I know that I am an extremely blessed person. I know that I have it good.

So I guess I wonder, why do I deserve all of this? Is God going to realize that I don't deserve it and take it back? (I know that is dumb and it looks ridiculous as I finally typed it, but it is a thought that enters my mind often).

I better try to sleep. I am feeling better now, kind of.

Good night!

Settling Down... A Little

We had a roller coaster weekend, but now we're settling down.

My parents called on Saturday and announced that they were coming down on Sunday. Jeremy suggested that I skip church to help him clean the house. I agreed. Then I got up with Jana at 7:30 on Sunday morning. Jeremy came down at 8:00 to get breakfast, and then he went back to bed until 10:00. I was beyond pissed off. We had quite a spat for us. It was pretty lame by other standards because we don't raise voices, call names, etc. Oh, but man I was so mad. We spent most of the morning being ticked off at each other. He seemed to think that he didn't need to get up and help because he "cleans" everyday. He straightens up most days, but I wouldn't call it clean! Anyway, we're better now.

I'm now starting to think of all the numerous things that come with adding another to the family. I feel like I need to stop that because I'm so scared of losing this one. I've already taken three tests, all of which have come back very positive: both lines show up at the same time.

I haven't started to feel very sick yet. I have my moments, but their not very common right now. I don't remember when I started feeling crappy last time.

I better go get school work done.

Did I mention that I got one of the on-line classes? I will only be .17 of full time, but that means I will still be a district employee and a little extra cash! I feel so fortunate to get that!

I think I'm done at school either Friday or Monday! YAYAYAYAY!