Honesty Feel Free To NOT Read This One!

If you choose to read this, please don't be offended by anything I say. This is me getting some of this out so I can be less of a basket case.

I'm having a rather emotional evening. I tried to go to bed about an hour ago, and it just isn't working.

I feel like I am the worst mother. I set a goal of breastfeeding Jana for a year. Jeremy has bad allergies and we were recommended to breastfeed for as long as possible. Jeremy even only said six months, but I wanted a year, want a year. And to be honest, I don't necessariy "love" breastfeeding; I just know it is the best thing for my daughter. But here I am with her only being 7 1/2 months old and I don't think we're going to make it much longer. I nursed her 4 times today and pumped 3 times. From those 3 pumpings, I only got 4 oz, all together. That's not even the one bottle Jeremy gives her when I'm gone. She doesn't seem to mind when she actually nurses and seems to do okay, so she must not be starving, but I can't seem to pump to save my life. This also kills me because I just spent $220 on a brand new pump that I've only had for maybe a month. I keep catching myself thinking that if I was a good mother, I would be able to go a year.

I also feel like horrendously guilty. (Please don't be offended, but I feel I need to get this out.) Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to be pregnant with our second child. I 150% want this child. I feel so blessed and feel that this child is a gift.... But, I can't help but feel terrible for G. We weren't even trying yet, just being a little careless. So why do we deserve this amazing gift? Why? I know she would not want me to feel this way, but I can't seem to help it right now. I feel guilty.

I spent my childhood being the appeaser. I always wanted everyone to be happy and to have no conflicts. When there were conflicts, I somehow felt personally responsible. I guess when you spend your young life being controlled by guilt, it doesn't just disappear as an adult.

I feel so guilty about leaving my students. One of the girls that I've had for two years in a row that I like very much said to me the other day that I couldn't leave until she was done with school. I couldn't abandon her again. Yet, here I am only possibly three days away from leaving her, abandoning her again and she doesn't even know it. And my little autistic boy. He's going to be devistated. One of his particular issues that comes with his autism is that he is deeply sensitive. He will probably grieve me leaving as if I had died. Ugh! More guilt!

I know what I'm doing is right. I know that being home to raise Jana is the most important thing to me. I know I have an amazing gift to be able to financially do this. I just have guilt. I wasn't honest with my students at the beginning of the year like two of my friends were. I knew that I would crack if I had students being turds to me because they knew I was a "sub." But now, they've gotten attached to me. They've got it in their heads that I'm there teacher for the year, and now it's time for me to leave them.

I just want to stand in front of a mirror and yell, "GET OVER IT!"

I feel guilty about Jana. These are probably irrational fears, but I worry, with a newborn and her only being 16 months old. What if we don't pay enough attention to her? What if I miss enjoying one of her milestones because I was worrying about or tending to the other baby? Is it fair to her to have our attention split at so young of an age? Should we have been more careful? Am I a good enough mom to give enough attention and love to both? I don't know. I do know that if I hadn't gotten pregnant, I probably wouldn't be having this issue with breastfeeding.

I also worry about losing this one. I know there's more stress on my body this time. I gave birth only 7 1/2 months ago and am trying to breastfeed. I'm not in as good of shape as I was last time. I think I'm starting out heavier than I was last time. I feel like I have so many questions and concerns that maybe I'm not grateful enough for this child. Everytime I feel anything down there I start thinking about it being the beginning of a miscarriage. What is wrong with me?

And then I wonder why my milk supply has decreased... ;)

Relax. Deep breaths. I know that "this too shall pass." I know that I am sooooooo incredibly fortunate to have the multitude of gifts in my life that I do. I know that I am an extremely blessed person. I know that I have it good.

So I guess I wonder, why do I deserve all of this? Is God going to realize that I don't deserve it and take it back? (I know that is dumb and it looks ridiculous as I finally typed it, but it is a thought that enters my mind often).

I better try to sleep. I am feeling better now, kind of.

Good night!