Breaking down the walls toward wanting again

For the last 7 months, I have been concocting this notion that I was either unworthy or unable to have a baby and in turn decided I didn’t want one. I decided that we wouldn’t be good enough parents, our life style wouldn’t allow us to be good parents, and for every reason under the sun, we would not be good parents. Then came Alex and Tyler.

Alex, Jeremy’s best friend’s 2 year-old son, started the crumbling. The first time he crawled onto my lap, I felt a crack, not of my heart, but of the thick protective layers I built around it. His smile-just before he snuggled his head into my neck- almost brought on tears, but also made me see what I had been doing.

Instead of potentially facing another loss, another moment of feeling incompetent as a woman, I shut off any want I had. I convinced myself that I didn’t want to have a baby-that Jeremy and I shouldn’t have a family.

Tyler finished what Alex started. My dear, beautiful, precious 11-month-old nephew is the most wonderful addition to my life. Instead of remembering that he should have a one-month old cousin, I just enjoyed him. His hugs. His crocodile tears. His six-teethed grins. His flirtation looks, as if I dared not smile at him.

The layers I subconsciously built, seemed to disintegrate brick by brick, row by row. The walls aren’t gone. One would still need to climb a bit, but I’m starting to allow myself to remove them.

I asked Jeremy when. His response was, “When’s your appointment?” He admitted that he’d rather start trying sooner than later.

I’m scared. Is that okay to admit? This sounds funny, but it’s like I’m bursting with this love that is just waiting for an object. It’s like I love this baby more than anything and he/she doesn’t exist yet. Can I handle losing another?

The Great Debate

So after a few days off, I have started thinking again, I know... scary thought. I am not sure of what I want to do with my job so I'm going to use this blog as a sounding board.

Although I would love to go to grad school right now, it just isn't plausible. That will have to reserved for later in life. So, now I need to decide on my teaching environment for next year. I am looking at transferring to another high school in my district. This is the school I started teaching at and that Jeremy teaches at now.

Issue #1: Schedule of teaching. I have had 20 preps (different classes/subjects) since I moved to North two and a half years ago. Basically that means I teach three different classes each quarter for 4 quarters each year. That is a lot of work. That means I am prepping for each class each day. At the other school, I would have three preps over a semester and the classes would meet every other day. So I would have a day in between to catch my breath. That would result in less time prepping on a daily basis and a smaller work load, meaning I wouldn’t have to work so hard to get ready for my teaching.

Issue #2: Classes I would teach. As long as I stay at North, there is no guarantee that I would teach the same thing quarter to quarter or year to year. Since I am dual certified, I can and will be shifted around as they please. Because of this, I will continue to get the “left-over” classes. At the other school, I would be hired into an all-English position. The classes are pretty well set already, which include American Literature, my favorite class to teach. Plus in the next few years at the other school, I could work my way into AP English and/or Honors English 9. At North, there is no guarantee that I could get into any of the classes I want.

Issue #3: Soccer. I want to get out of coaching for a while. If I move schools that would be an easy out. I would hate to have to tell the girls that I just don’t want to coach them and then stay in the building with them. It would just be too hard.

Issue #4: Administration. I hate my administration at North. They hate me, so I guess it works out well. :( If I were to change schools, I would have a different administration with different issues. I do believe however that this principal wouldn’t screw with me because Jeremy is there and Jeremy is a union rep and knows darn well what wouldn’t be okay. I think this new administration would know what they were getting going into with me and would try the crap my current administration does.

Issue #5: Drama. The other school had more drama when I was there last. One of my friends that teaches there has a strong tendency toward getting wrapped up in the drama. If I were to go back, I am worried about getting back into the drama.

Issue #6: Simplifying life. If I were to teach at the other school, the Jeremy and I would only have one set of issues instead of two. If we want to go to a game, we only have to go to one school’s, not two.

Issue #7: Stress. With the possibility of having a family some time in the future, I need to be able to balance work and family better. I think with the schedule, I would be able to do less work at home, have fewer issues to stress (one school between us instead of two), and wouldn’t have to deal with the issues of an administration that won’t be going anywhere any time soon (not good enough to move elsewhere and too young to retire).

Possible Issue #8: Working with Jeremy. I don’t think this will be an issue, but thought I’d put this out there anyway. I doubt we’d see each other during the day, and we’re really good at being professional around each other in the work environment (when we coached together, none of the kids knew we were dating, until we got engaged).

After putting this all out there, it looks to me that I am leaning toward transfering. I do worry about when I finally do apply to grad schools that it will look bad that I was at one school for two years, another for three years and then went back to the first.

I now understand road rage :)

We've been in California for 4 days and to quote Jeremy, "I now know why Californians started shooting each other in rush hour traffic." It is insane here. It took us 3 1/2 hours to make a 2 hour trip from Cupertino to Sacramento.

We've had a great time here, though. After the first night of emotions, I'm doing much better. Alex is a wonderful little boy and Mat and Adrienne have raised him so well. I hope someday we have a little boy like him.

We visited my 80-year-old Grandma while we were here. She's such a kick and we are so much a like. I think it is cyclical in our family. Her mom was strict, she's a loose cannon, my mom is strict, I'm definitely like my grandmother. I wish she lived closer, but I understand why she doesn't want to leave. This area is all she's ever known. We took her out to lunch and she talked about how she started going to the restaurant we were at in the 60s and she felt as though her friends were still sitting all around her. I know I'll regret not knowing her as well as I want too, but I'm so glad we drove down to see her this week.

We went to Alex's Gymboree tonight. He's such a crack-up. He is such a little boy. Not just tonight, but through the last 4 days, I have been so happy and content just watching him, listening to him laugh, and basking in the uninhibited love he gives out. He's become a little attached to me, which of course I love :).

We are heading back to home tomorrow. We're stopping to have lunch with Jeremy's grandparents on the way back home. It'll be nice to sleep in our bed for a couple of nights. We're heading for my parents for Easter (secretly only to see my nephew). We're excited to get Maiya out of "lock up". She loves her kennel and it's a great place, but we still feel horribly guilty.

Before I head to bed, I just want to say thank you to the girls who have become so dear to me in the last 10 months. I can't believe that I've never met any of you, but feel like I can share these things with you. I usually try to put on a happy face and am usually too embarrassed to show my insecurities, but without any history that necessitates many friendships, you all have been here for me. Your kinds words, cyber hugs, and needed laughs have helped me through the most difficult year of my life. Thank you!

When did I become an envious person?

I'm sitting here in J's best friend's house while they went out. Two-year-old Alex is asleep, sleeping through quite a thunder and lightening storm. Alex knew me for less than three hours when he crawled up in my lap to cuddle last night. I just about burst into tears.

Why am I such a nut job? Why am I so envious that I can hardly be nice? I know Adrienne can feel the tension. She tried asking me about when we would start trying again. I just told her that I didn't want to talk about it with her. She understood, but it is so hard. I am so incredibly jealous.

She sat there and told me that everyone has their battles and this must just be ours. Then she told me that if I decided that we weren't going to try again if I had one more m/c, that I could be missing out on a wonderful family. But I say, at what cost?

Jeremy and my relationship isn't the same. I don't feel like he is truly happy. I know I'm not. We've always been the stable ones. We're the ones who tried to work on the little stuff before we got married. How do all of our friends who are having babies, who shouldn't be, deserve it and we don't? Don't I sound like a horrible person? I use to be able to be happy for people and now I'm so mean, spiteful, and jealous. I hate it

I've heard this from many people, but Crystal's blog hit home. What is it that God wants me to work on? I know J wouldn't intentionally go looking for something else, but I worry about it. When we started dating, I was this cute blond 125 lb. little-thing (although anerexic). I know I'm not horrible, but I am definitely looking differently these days. I'm trying to lose the weight. I'm trying to fix the horrible mistake of my hair color (thanks to my hair dresser, grrr!). I know he isn't with me for my looks, but I worry that he's losing/lost his attraction for me. Is this what God wanted for us to work on?

So, where do we start? He seems so unhappy today, and here we are on vacation.

Uh, oh. I think the thunder just woke up Alex.

Better go get him.

The fleeting nature of self-confidence

Do you ever look in the mirror and it's like staring at someone else? You don't recognize anything. It's like waking up from a dream and seeing something so completely different from what you ever thought was possible. I can't remember the last time I was able to look in the mirror and actually see me, not my exaggerated flaws, not my ignored flaws, but me. When I dream, I'm always a thinner, prettier version of myself. I'm sure we all do that, but it makes me sad.

One of my students saw a picture of my husband on my bulletin board behind my desk. She asked me if that was really my husband. "Wow, you sure know how to pick 'em," was her comment. It wasn't a compliment to him that I heard, but a slight instead. The old painful remark echoed, "what is someone like him, doing with her."

Why is self confidence so fleeting? What in our natures makes us care about the inconsequential issues so much?

I can sit here and understand how insigificant my worries are, but it doesn't make the insecurities diminish. When we almost lost Kaley to the aneurysm this fall, after losing my baby and Jeremy's uncle, I am a bit better at being able to seperate the important issues out. However I still find myself concerned with the little issues.

Sadness: My own personal pity party!

Warning: PMS post, sad weekend, and sick makes for a whiny post.

I remember back to those times of adolescent angst when I thought I was sad.

In the last year, I have discovered a new meaning of sadness. It's some of my sadness and some of those around me.

As tomorrow approaches, I have found myself getting grumpier and grumpier. I actually slept on the coach - partly to allow Jeremy to sleep without my terrible cough in his ear, but partly because I just didn't want to be around anyone. I lash out at smart-ass kids who I usually can laugh off. I, seriously, almost cried in class today. Oh, the joy!

I found myself perusing the belly shots in the picture album and Yarisol's is the one that choked me up. She was one of the first that made me come back to the board. Do you remember how frustrated she was getting about not getting pg? I remember feeling so guilty because she wanted it so badly. I miss her.

I remember Crystal was the first one to post after I wrote the board about my m/c. A kind, empathetic voice when I felt so incredibly alone. I sat alone in the dark office, the first day back from Yellowstone, facing a day with college friends - none of which knew about my joy or sadness, none of which would have any frame of reference for understanding. I don't remember exactly what she said, but I cried - not sadness, but a strange warmth of knowing that someone, this new friend, would be there if I asked.

I don't let myself check the boards very often anymore. I miss you all like crazy, but I get that painful feeling in my heart.

It isn't something easily described. I can't even really call it sadness. It's so much more. It's longing, but for something I've tasted, something that I felt, and now, it feels as though it is forever gone.

Through this board, I have gotten to know new women that amaze me. I've been inspired by them and saddened for them. While it is nice to not feel alone, I wish these wonderful women didn't need to experience this pain.

One more day! Yikes!