When did I become an envious person?
I'm sitting here in J's best friend's house while they went out. Two-year-old Alex is asleep, sleeping through quite a thunder and lightening storm. Alex knew me for less than three hours when he crawled up in my lap to cuddle last night. I just about burst into tears.
Why am I such a nut job? Why am I so envious that I can hardly be nice? I know Adrienne can feel the tension. She tried asking me about when we would start trying again. I just told her that I didn't want to talk about it with her. She understood, but it is so hard. I am so incredibly jealous.
She sat there and told me that everyone has their battles and this must just be ours. Then she told me that if I decided that we weren't going to try again if I had one more m/c, that I could be missing out on a wonderful family. But I say, at what cost?
Jeremy and my relationship isn't the same. I don't feel like he is truly happy. I know I'm not. We've always been the stable ones. We're the ones who tried to work on the little stuff before we got married. How do all of our friends who are having babies, who shouldn't be, deserve it and we don't? Don't I sound like a horrible person? I use to be able to be happy for people and now I'm so mean, spiteful, and jealous. I hate it
I've heard this from many people, but Crystal's blog hit home. What is it that God wants me to work on? I know J wouldn't intentionally go looking for something else, but I worry about it. When we started dating, I was this cute blond 125 lb. little-thing (although anerexic). I know I'm not horrible, but I am definitely looking differently these days. I'm trying to lose the weight. I'm trying to fix the horrible mistake of my hair color (thanks to my hair dresser, grrr!). I know he isn't with me for my looks, but I worry that he's losing/lost his attraction for me. Is this what God wanted for us to work on?
So, where do we start? He seems so unhappy today, and here we are on vacation.
Uh, oh. I think the thunder just woke up Alex.
Better go get him.
posted by Lindsay @ 12:58 PM
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1 Comments:
I can totally relate! I used to be this positive energy, this happy go lucky kind of girl. Now I am moody and sad most of the time. I too have put on weight (my sister insists it is from the Clomid but that doesn't make me feel better.) I know I have been the strain in our relationship. I try so hard to not let Shawn see my down side but it is inevitable. At work, I have to be happy, nice, professional Sheri and after 10 hours of that at work, unfortunately I come home and I am bitchy Sheri. Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who tells me I am still beautiful to him, that I am still his best girl. I love him so much and I hate that I can get so mean and spiteful at times. Being on Clomid only makes things that much worst for my hormones. I just pray that I can take Rachel's words into practise (I will email you what she wrote to me - she is amazingly strong). I am trying to blog my sadness instead of taking it out on Shawn. One positive thing in all this, is that when both Jude and Julie annouced they were pregnant, I cried in happiness, not out of jealousy. I am hopeful that our time will come.
I am trying to say that you are perfectly normal in all your feelings and you are definately not alone. Blog any time you feel low, or email me. One day, I will come out your way and you and I will sit in Starbucks or in your living room and cry over our losses and our dreams.
Sending hugs to you always,
Sheri
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