Working things out - outside my brain.

I've been kind of detached from my boards and my blogs lately. I feel like I've been such an unhappy person and not myself at all. I can't seem to snap out of it and I'm really frustrated.

I know a lot of things have been going on, but they shouldn't affect me like this. I feel like I'm letting a lot of little things add on top of each other and overwhelm me when they should still be little individual things.

To be honest, I'm really surprised at myself and how I'm dealing with J and his heart issues. Because, well, I'm not dealing with them. They don't seem to be phasing me at all, which they should. Plus, I know I've been pretty distant from him. To be honest, I can't remember the last time I hugged or kissed him. I know I'm tired and sick, but is it more? Am I keeping him away and not dealing with him because I don't want to think about what this whole heart thing could be?

I feel so buried inside myself right now - going through the motions. As I said, nothing big has happened to me to put me in this place, but lots of little things have been going on. It just seems that each new "little" thing takes me a step further and further off my normal stride.

I've gotten so far away from the place when I took the time to be grateful for all the wonderful gifts in my life. The place where I took the time to appreciate the people that mean so much to me. On Friday, I was in the bank and a woman stopped me and asked how far apart the two girls are. I told her 15 months and I got the usual response of "oh, my. You must be really busy!" I gave my usual response back of, "Yeah, but what a wonderful reason to be busy." I started saying that when that was truly my opinion and I was so grateful for these two little girls and the happiness they bring to my life. But on Friday, I said it out of habit. Ugh! How have I let myself get so far from what's important. Most days, by the time 6:00 rolls around, I am counting down until the girls' bed time. Ugh! I feel sick putting that into words. It makes me feel ill that I have lost the focus of enjoying life and celebrating each moment with my girls. Instead, I trudge through the day and then become a lump on the couch after the cleaning is done and the girls are in bed.

What do I really accomplish in a day? Sure, I've got the girls' basics down - clean diapers, food, etc., but I'm not enjoying it and I know Jana's not having as much fun as she was when I was cherishing my time with her. In fact, I find myself thinking, oh it'll be better when Jana's __ and Kara's ___. Why can't I go back to just enjoying it now?

I'm so angry with myself for being like this right now, but I don't know how to get out of it.

Oh how wonderful these girls are! Jana is now giving "ugs" (hugs) and just squeezes as hard as she can. I just get teary every time she gives em an "ug" because you can just feel how much she loves. How wonderful is it that she is able to love like that! She's even started to say "love you." (That phrase has never come easily to me - not even with family members - so to hear it from my own daughter brings me to tears.) Kara just lights up when she sees J or I. She giggles and smiles. How blessed am I to have a happy and healthy baby! Sure, she doesn't sleep through the night, but she's still here, she's ours, and she's a beautiful girl with a beautiful soul.

These are the things I need to remember and focus on.

I think I also need to just come to grips with the fact that Kara isn't going to be sleeping through the night until probably the summer. Jana struggled with sleeping through the winter because of colds, etc and she only had 2 all winter last year. Kara will get to the point of waking once in 13 hours of night time sleep and then go back to waking every 2 -3 hours. I can't keep them secluded in the house like I did last year - we'll all go crazy, so colds are going to be a way of life this winter. I just need to accept it and move on. I get so excited when Kara has a good night that I fall apart when she has a bad one - I've got to stop this.

I'm not taking good care of myself. I'm not running, I'm not sleeping, and I'm not eating well either. No wonder my weight loss has stopped - Duh! I need to stop making excuses and just change my routine. I need to make it a priority and go from there. I can't keep telling myself that when Kara sleeps, then I can get up early again and run. I have to come to grips with the fact that it's got to be an "I will" statement, not an "if" or "when."

I'm so tired of being the fat kid. I'm the fat one of my family and I'm the fat one in J's family too. I am so embarrassed by how I look, yet I can't seem to get myself going again. I'm running out of time on LAWL and I don't think I can do it myself... again.

I was hoping this was going to help me to feel better, but it's now gotten me thinking about all the other things I'm sad about.

Why do I feel so hopeless for being able to get myself out of this?

I'm going to go eat some lunch (since it's now 2:30) and watch an episode of Private Practice and see if I can get myself feeling better.

Update.

So my inlaws are back.

Apparently, S (sis in law's fiance) was so drunk that he doesn't remember what happened, so basically he's screwed. In a he said, she said case, he doesn't remember anything. The roommate does, so that doesn't bode well for S. I guess there are 3 counts against him - totaling possible jail time and $300,000 in fines. He did have enough guts to call the brothers and apologize for what he's done to M and the rest of the family. He's going to a counselor and they are both going to go to a counselor. It doesn't sound like M is going to leave him, but we'll have to see what happens at his trial which is next week.

I'm just in shock of all of this happening. I'll admit, I'm a snob. Things like this happened to THOSE kind of people, never to us or our kind. We're the stereotypical "white picket fence" type family (as S used to refer to us). We don't have divorces in the family or other big issues like that - their all below the surface issues that no one talks about. I guess this is my reminder that while I try not to be judgmental, I am more than I think.

J's heart issues seem to come and go with busy-ness. It seems as though when he is busy (with good and happy things) he doesn't have issues. Right after we found out about all of this drama, he was having quite a few issues. On the nights that we're doing other things and distracted with pleasant stuff, he doesn't seem to have any issues. He has a family history of depression and hasn't quite been the same since Kara was born. It's not that he's overly grumpy or anything like that - he's just so tired all the time and is so overwhelmed with things he needs to do, that he does nothing, if that makes any sense.

I'm sure you're all shocked to hear this, but my weight loss hasn't been going so well. I was up another half pound last week and while I've been eating better, I haven't been recording. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself - I've been a little overwhelmed emotionally with things lately. I'm hoping I can get things back on track soon.

I'm getting over my sinus infection finally. It's been a pain being sick. There's no time for sick mamas!

A bit overwhelmed

First, and least important, I have a sinus infection.

Next, J is having some health issues. He's wearing a heart monitor 24-7 because he's having some issues. His heart races, but also seems to skip a beat. When he has one of his episodes and I hear his heart rate and it scares the shit out of me. He's now sending in his 8th episode right now and it's starting to sink in. I can't even go down that road of thought - I'll fall apart.

And, this morning we got a call from J's family - apparently my sis in law M's fiance S (further known as dumbass) got himself arrested. We know very little except that he's charged with two counts of felony theft of a fire arm. Stupid Fuck! (Sorry for the language, as I said, my cup is overflowing). She's living in BFE, not able to pay her bills because there are no decent jobs there, so she can be with him while he finishes school. She's given up so much to be with him and he goes and decides to be a dumbass! I'm just heartbroken for her and I'd love to beat some sense into him, but I think I'll have to get in line behind J and his bros and there may not be anything left after they get a hold of him (and I am meaning metaphorically - they would never touch him, but would love to give them a piece of their minds). As if that wasn't bad enough, my sis in law and my in laws were up visiting my bro in law D and his girlfriend because her parents were in town. So my inlaws were meeting her parents for the first time when they had to make a quick exit to try to go bail dumbass out of jail, six hours away from here. My sis in law is supposed to be here at a training for work, not back there dealing with dumbass and his stupidity.

Lastly, my sis had a 10 hour layover here in town, so we got to hang out for the day. It was so good to see her and for her to spend time with my girls. We spent most of our time talking about how bad things are with her husband and how she's ready to get a divorce. It's so heartbreaking to know how much he's changed and how he's such a different person now. It's so sad that she's now facing the end of her marriage and the end the dreams she had - I know having kids was her biggest dream and now she's 34, and starting all over.

I'm just so tired. I feel like crap. I am just so sad. I'm so sad that people I care about hurt this much. I'm scared to death about J. There's just so much right now, that I'm having trouble even processing it all.

Doing so much better

What an amazing difference a good conversation with the man I love can do!?!?!?!

J and I laid in bed and talked for about three hours on Friday night. I came to a few conclusions.

1. I think I'm more stressed than I admit about finances. This class that we're taking is forcing me to face those issues head on and it's not something I'm good at handling.

2. My weight loss is slowing. I don't have the time to run, so it's not helping my weight loss and my mental state is suffering too because I'm not running.

3. I get extraordinarily frustrated with judgmental people. I'm tired of people (including my mother) making comments about J and whether he's a good husband or not... he's a wonderful man who loves me very much and adores these girls. Just because he's reserved in his outward expressions of his faith and doesn't bare his soul to everyone does not make him a bad guy.

4. I NEED SLEEP!!!

In the end, I'm doing much better. I feel like the clouds have parted and things aren't so foggy anymore, if that makes any sense.

We've turned a corner with Kara Mae. She's finally sleeping a bit more and it's better for all of us. I've discovered I'm not giving enough attention to her naps. Now that we're working on that, things are so much better. We've had a bunch of good nights in a row and our new definition of a good night is bed at 7:00, wake at 2:30 am to feed, sleep until 8:00 am. MUCH better!

Our schedule is crazy now though. Here's a typical day right now.

8:00 am - Kara up
9:30 am - Jana up
10:00 am - Kara nap
12:00 pm - Jana lunch
12:30 pm - Kara up
1:00 pm - Jana nap
3:30 - Kara nap
4:00 - (If I'm lucky and the construction isn't directly behind our house) Jana up
4:30 - J home
5:30 - Kara up
6:00 - Dinner
7:00 - Kara to bed
8:00 - Jana to bed

Needless to say, I don't get out much these days!

The bummer is not being able to run, but getting Kara that morning nap is turning out to be exceptionally important.

I need to tend to the babes - one's next to me yelling and the other is yelling from her crib.

Ugh! Feeling off again.

This was an insanely busy week.

I worked 50 miles away in a suburb of the big city near us. It was about an hour and a half commute each way(with traffic).

My mother stayed with us to take care of the girls. The girls are still in one piece and seemed to have a wonderful time.

The job is over and I only have a little bit of work to do to finish up.

So why do I have this lingering empty and uncomfortable feeling?

Mothers. It can be summed up in just that word and the correct intonation.

First, I second guess everything I do as a mother right now. I know that I have two wonderful girls, but I still worry that I am doing everything wrong.

Next, I was "lectured" by a friend (who would give anything to have a good relationship with her family and have her mother alive again) about how hard I am on my mother. "She's trying. She means well."

It is true: she is trying and she mostly means well. We had a wonderful time together and the usual frustration and overwhelming desire to rebel against her just for the sake of rebelling did not surface this time... until now.

One comment has set me off. It's like she acts so nice and sweet, the insert one comment - and there my friends is the fatal blow that erases all kindness from the whole week. And once she said it, all other comments from the past week were brought to the front of my memory that had been overlooked before.

"I hope that you have a say in how YOUR holidays are spent, too."

Here comes the old line of comments: I apparently have no backbone and she thinks that I let my husband walk all over me.

After that comment comes the flood of other comments that she made that I overlooked until that one.

"I was so furious with J last night when he got on your case about the coffee cup." The story is that his bag got moved to the island and my coffee cup was behind it, but under the strap. So when he picked up his bag, he spilled my day-old coffee on the floor, carpet and down the back of the couch. Apparently my mom was so mad because he "scolded" me and I apologized. She wanted him to not say anything (totally not J's style) and forgive me for being too busy to put my cup away. I give him grief about leaving his dishes out, should he be able to dish it back when I do? Of course.

But once again the topic comes up of me being submissive to J. Am I and I don't see it?

Sure, part of me falls into that 1950s housewife mentality. J works and I stay home (most of the time). I feel like I should be responsible for the majority of the cooking and cleaning. Yes I feel like I can't/shouldn't leave him with the two girls alone, but that is more that I'm still nursing and Kara can be difficult.

I know sometimes I don't ask for help when I should/could. That has nothing to do with being submissive, it's me not wanting to appear that I can't handle it all.

But here I am worrying about it again, so is it more of an issue than I've given weight to?

No matter how I look at it, I feel like shit right now.

I'm exhausted and can't seem to sleep enough, I'm up 3 lbs from eating crap and not eating enough good food, my house is a mess and I have no motivation to clean it, and I just plain and simply feel under a cloud.

To be honest, I'm actually hoping that AF is just around the corner - that would be an easy reason for the weight gain, breakout, and feeling crappy.

I've also had a bit of a falling out with a friend. She made a rude comment to me about complaining about my job when all she does is bitch (and I say that because of the degree of complaining and volume of complaints) about her job and I do nothing but listen and help. I've been ignoring her IMs for three days and have no desire to talk to her. Between a comment from my mom, her comment, and the segment on the today show about
"frienemies" I am starting to wonder what I get out of our friendship. I'm her loyal shoulder to cry on, she loves to walk around with Jana like she's her own daughter (which drives me batty), and she almost treats me like I'm one of her "projects." She is there when I need her, but also does a good job of making comments from time to time with an air of "I know better than you" which aggravates me to no end.

Have you ever had one of those times where everything feels awkward? You just feel out of place in your own life? You just want to cry and you don't know why? I really hope this is just a bad case of PMS.

Also the pastor from my church called. Three weeks ago I signed up to get more info about the child dedication ceremony at church this weekend. I heard nothing about it until this week. When he called he brought up that he had some hesitation about it because he knows that J is hesitant to get involved with church. He said that part of the dedication is a commitment to raise the girls in a Christian and church going family and he didn't feel comfortable with that part of the ceremony and us. Needless to say, I backed out for this weekend's ceremony. First is that my mom decided she was the only one coming down and that she was heading back home before the weekend, so they weren't going to be here for it like I thought. Second, I'm really bothered by the comments from the pastor. He knows that I want to raise the girls in a Christian home. He knows that enjoy church and am working hard to assist J in his coming to the conclusion that he wants to come to chuch. He knows that J definitely believes in God, but struggles with how "humans have screwed up" religion with their own interpretations and misguided acts. So, now I almost feel like I'm not comfortable going back to that church.

As I said, I'm just really feeling off.

Jana's yelling through the monitor, so apparently she wants up. I was kind of hoping for her to take a longer nap, but oh well.

Sorry for complaining, but thanks for listening.