Working things out - outside my brain.

I've been kind of detached from my boards and my blogs lately. I feel like I've been such an unhappy person and not myself at all. I can't seem to snap out of it and I'm really frustrated.

I know a lot of things have been going on, but they shouldn't affect me like this. I feel like I'm letting a lot of little things add on top of each other and overwhelm me when they should still be little individual things.

To be honest, I'm really surprised at myself and how I'm dealing with J and his heart issues. Because, well, I'm not dealing with them. They don't seem to be phasing me at all, which they should. Plus, I know I've been pretty distant from him. To be honest, I can't remember the last time I hugged or kissed him. I know I'm tired and sick, but is it more? Am I keeping him away and not dealing with him because I don't want to think about what this whole heart thing could be?

I feel so buried inside myself right now - going through the motions. As I said, nothing big has happened to me to put me in this place, but lots of little things have been going on. It just seems that each new "little" thing takes me a step further and further off my normal stride.

I've gotten so far away from the place when I took the time to be grateful for all the wonderful gifts in my life. The place where I took the time to appreciate the people that mean so much to me. On Friday, I was in the bank and a woman stopped me and asked how far apart the two girls are. I told her 15 months and I got the usual response of "oh, my. You must be really busy!" I gave my usual response back of, "Yeah, but what a wonderful reason to be busy." I started saying that when that was truly my opinion and I was so grateful for these two little girls and the happiness they bring to my life. But on Friday, I said it out of habit. Ugh! How have I let myself get so far from what's important. Most days, by the time 6:00 rolls around, I am counting down until the girls' bed time. Ugh! I feel sick putting that into words. It makes me feel ill that I have lost the focus of enjoying life and celebrating each moment with my girls. Instead, I trudge through the day and then become a lump on the couch after the cleaning is done and the girls are in bed.

What do I really accomplish in a day? Sure, I've got the girls' basics down - clean diapers, food, etc., but I'm not enjoying it and I know Jana's not having as much fun as she was when I was cherishing my time with her. In fact, I find myself thinking, oh it'll be better when Jana's __ and Kara's ___. Why can't I go back to just enjoying it now?

I'm so angry with myself for being like this right now, but I don't know how to get out of it.

Oh how wonderful these girls are! Jana is now giving "ugs" (hugs) and just squeezes as hard as she can. I just get teary every time she gives em an "ug" because you can just feel how much she loves. How wonderful is it that she is able to love like that! She's even started to say "love you." (That phrase has never come easily to me - not even with family members - so to hear it from my own daughter brings me to tears.) Kara just lights up when she sees J or I. She giggles and smiles. How blessed am I to have a happy and healthy baby! Sure, she doesn't sleep through the night, but she's still here, she's ours, and she's a beautiful girl with a beautiful soul.

These are the things I need to remember and focus on.

I think I also need to just come to grips with the fact that Kara isn't going to be sleeping through the night until probably the summer. Jana struggled with sleeping through the winter because of colds, etc and she only had 2 all winter last year. Kara will get to the point of waking once in 13 hours of night time sleep and then go back to waking every 2 -3 hours. I can't keep them secluded in the house like I did last year - we'll all go crazy, so colds are going to be a way of life this winter. I just need to accept it and move on. I get so excited when Kara has a good night that I fall apart when she has a bad one - I've got to stop this.

I'm not taking good care of myself. I'm not running, I'm not sleeping, and I'm not eating well either. No wonder my weight loss has stopped - Duh! I need to stop making excuses and just change my routine. I need to make it a priority and go from there. I can't keep telling myself that when Kara sleeps, then I can get up early again and run. I have to come to grips with the fact that it's got to be an "I will" statement, not an "if" or "when."

I'm so tired of being the fat kid. I'm the fat one of my family and I'm the fat one in J's family too. I am so embarrassed by how I look, yet I can't seem to get myself going again. I'm running out of time on LAWL and I don't think I can do it myself... again.

I was hoping this was going to help me to feel better, but it's now gotten me thinking about all the other things I'm sad about.

Why do I feel so hopeless for being able to get myself out of this?

I'm going to go eat some lunch (since it's now 2:30) and watch an episode of Private Practice and see if I can get myself feeling better.