Why do we make these choices?

In the last few months, I have expended so much energy into what I have felt is a worthy cause: fighting for a decent contract for myself and other teachers. However, I'm discovering that it has become all consuming and much of my life is revolving around either actively "rallying" or stressing about the approaching doom which may be a strike.

So I've spent time asking myself if I should find a new career. Then I realize that it isn't just a career, but a lifestyle.

While it would mean no more grading papers and planning on the weekends and evenings, more time to work out, more time to take care of the house, more time to spend with Jeremy; it would also take away the one, daily reminder of why I'm on this earth. I am able to reach kids.

But is it worth the stress, the lack of sleep, the excess work, the lack of a personal life? I can't answer yes or no definitively.

I think back on the goals I set for myself a few months ago. I'm now starting to wonder if I can truly raise a healthy family while being a teacher. Sure, I'd have the summers off, but could I devote my time in the evenings to something other than my school work? Can I still be a good teacher without doing all the extra work? I'm not sure!

I sometimes doubt whether I should be trying to have kids. I sometimes wonder if God didn't take my baby away from me for a reason. I know Jeremy and I are working on ourselves, our finances, and I'm working on my weight, but were these the challenges God wanted me to face before having a child?

It's so good to see Jeremy getting excited about the idea of ttc again. He has made it clear that he wants to start trying again in May or June. I don't know how I'll feel about that when that time comes around. I haven't lost the weight I wanted to. I definitely want to be healthy this time around.

I guess time has brought me healing from this fall and time will bring me answers to my questions.

I will admit, I am dreading March 5th. I'm going to sound like a horrible person for a moment. It's been hard to hear about the new little additions.

I'm ecstatic for them. I am so pleased for those who have made it through the battles and scares of the last nine months. But at the same time, it is a reminder of what I don't have.

I hope God blesses them with health, love, and the wisdom and compassion to build and nurture these wonderful growing families they all deserve.