Lost

I'll start with my completely emotional and probably irrational vent.

Vent:

I need someone to vent to, so unfortunately this gets to be it. I've mentioned a bit about the management of the club I work for right? It's terrible. So, I was sent to get trained to teach this class and was told that I was first on the list to get a class.

I just found out that a class opened up and was given to a girl I took the class with. "According to feed back from members and employees" she is a better instructor. We did our team teaching together and I taught the hard songs and she got the easy songs. Those two classes are the only times she's team taught. Her tracks (songs) were so easy that there is really no way to teach those tracks badly, unless you don't know them at all. I had the 3 hardest tracks of the entire 11 track program. WTF!!!!! He's never seen either one of us teach. I'm so pissed! I'm more convinced than ever that this club is ridiculous! I've busted my behind (just like her). The onlly differences are that she's 6'2" and a size 2 and friends with the ridiculous lady that is in charge of training us. I know I'm sounding like a big baby, but I'm very ticked off. I feel like such an idiot for even trusting that he was going to follow through with getting me a class after saying that I was "first on the list." I think she is good and she could be better than me, but how would anyone know because we've taught the same amount, but drastically different difficulty levels and the "boss" hasn't seen either one of us teach. This is such BS.

I realize that we team-taught at the club that she goes to on a regular basis, so she knows people and people gave her more positive feed back than me because they knew her. However I still feel like that is unreliable feedback as a measurement of quality! I will never have a shot at any classes an my neighborhood club because those instructors aren't going anywhere, so that is an advantage that I'll never have.
*****

I'm so irrationally mad that I'm ready to quit everything at the club today. I feel like I've been used. I feel like he invited me to go to the training to have enough numbers to have the training and had no intention of ever hiring me. Ass hole!!!

I'm trying to keep faith that "things will work out", but it's so hard. We're on a very, very tight budget. We're trying to "undo" our poor management of our finances in our early marriage. We've changed the way we live, spend, communicate, in an effort to be debt free.

I'm working 5 part-time jobs (6 if you count this attempt to teach the exercise class) so that we can have extra income, but yet keep me at home with the girls during the day.

We were so excited about how things were going to work out and looking at being able to make some significant progress on our debt. We did an amazing job of paying things off between October and May. Since May, we've paid off very little and have accrued more debt (in the name of stupidity, my inlaws, and making sure my sil had a photographer at her wedding). With the jobs I had lined up, I was going to be making more money, so we were really excited.

I should have known!

First: The contract for another Dept. of Ed. was supposed to come through during the summer so I could work on it. I am still waiting for my signed contract back and am starting to doubt that it is going to happen. (Result: Possibly -$10k of money we had planned on)

Next: My normal contract for the Dept of Ed came back much smaller than I had expected and in previous years. The first year, I made $25k for them, last year $23k (between a couple of contracts), and this year $16k. Ouch, but we can still manage.

Next: They cancel over half of my contract and now my contract is for $7k. (Result: - $18k of money we had planned on)

Next: They change the subbing system for the school district. To get jobs you have to be able to answer the phone and respond at that moment that you can or cannot sub for that job. First, how many mothers of 2 toddlers can consistently get to the phone before it stops ringing? Second, I have to ask my in laws if they are available to watch the girls before I can sub. So, I can never seem to get any jobs. (Result: - a minimum of $750 PER MONTH now that I can't get consistent jobs.)


Lastly: I took a $300 gamble to get trained for this exercise class. I have spent between 10 and 20 hours a week practicing for this and now it looks as though I will not be getting a class, meaning not only will I not get enough hours in to get reimbursed for the class, but I won't actually be able to teach to make any money doing it. I just feel sick that I am that much of a schmuck.

It's no wonder that I am having to look at having to go back to work full time.

It makes me sick that someone will be spending more time with my kids than I am. (Please don't ever read that as a criticism of working parents. You all are much stronger than I because I still can't not cry when I think of this.)

I feel so lost. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing with my life right now, except to be raising these girls. But I'm not even doing that very well because I'm too tired and scattered from working all these jobs.

As soon as I get paid for my job last month and the job this week, we'll be fine for a few months. And IF I get my contract and can start working for Idaho, then we'll be okay for a little bit longer. BUT I'm starting to get scared about our ability to make it.

We need to refinance the house and get out from under the adjustable and try to lock in a low rate ASAP. We have a hard time doing this because I am self employed and my contracts are so bad this year that I look like I only have either $7k or $17k of income. (I doubt they'd even look at my employment with the club because my paychecks are a joke!)

I sooooo want to stay home with my girls. In a perfect world, I'd be home with my girls, do some occasional consulting, and teach exercise classes at the gym.

I soooooo want to be out of debt so I can do that. But we're not. We're not getting further in debt, but we're not making any progress with my piddly income.

I have no idea what to do. We've got to provide a loving and stable environment for the girls. It is very apparent that is suffering these days because I'm so inconsistent with my schedules, gone in the evenings, and tired and cranky a lot. I'm either getting 6.5 or 7 hours of sleep and not getting to work out at all, or I'm getting 5 hours of sleep and getting up at 4:30 am to exercise. Either way leaves me cranky.

I feel like I'm a horrible mother. Jana can be such a challenge. She hits, yells, screams, and throws temper tantrums. She is constantly hitting Kara. I'm so scared the girls are going to hate each other. I'm so worried that we're raising Jana to be a brat. I'm so overwhelmed with fear that we're not doing a good enough job parenting these girls and they could grow up to be mean, horrible people.

I feel like I'm losing control on my life. I feel like I'm trying so hard to do good things, but failing miserably at them all.


And in the end, I feel like such a jerk for even complaining. (I'm trying to keep a good face, so really not many people know I'm this upset about all of it - apparently I'm doing a good job of pretending that I'm rolling with the punches well. So, I guess this is my outlet.) There are so many people with so many more important things going on in their lives, yet I can't keep it together with just these things.