I did it for me, not her!

After it eating at me all weekend, I couldn't believe that this was getting to me this much.


So, I apologized... for the "way" I confronted her, but not for the message.

I did it because it was really getting to me that I was feeling so full of contempt for her. That isn't the person that I wanted to be.

So, I stopped her and told her that I wanted to apologize for the way I spoke to her the other day. I told her that I have a tendency to be a judgmental person and it was not fair that I was so demeaning toward her. I don't have four kids, so I don't know how hard it is. HOWEVER, she could not continue to send her kids in to the childcare inappropriately dressed and not fed. It is her job to take care of those kids first and work any job second. If she couldn't do the first, then she needed to quit the second. While it wasn't fair for me to judge her as a bad mother, she needed to get herself together. I told her that it wasn't my place to deem her actions as inappropriate if management wasn't correcting them; I'm a coworker, not her supervisor.

She was shocked that I apologized to her, but admitted that she is cutting back on her hours (I'm not sure how that works because I think she only works one night a week) because it isn't working. I was very blunt and said good, because it appeared to be borderline neglect and "I would hate" for someone to act on that assumption.

In the end, she'll look me in the eye again, but I think I was a bit selfish in talking to her. I feel better, but now that I think about what I said to her, I'm sure she feels worse. Again, the message was pretty bad, but at least my tone was better.

I don't want to be a judgmental person. I don't want to be a mean person, but I know I have a mean streak in me. However, this is the first time I've actually gone to apologize to someone who was on the wrong side of "the wrath of Lindsay." (Funny, I have a memory of middle school when a teacher pulled me aside because she heard girls talking about that side of me and she was worried that I was like that. I guess somethings don't change.) Maybe this is a step for me toward being a gentler, kinder person to all people, not just the ones I like and agree with.

Let's face it... I'm a bitch!

I try so hard to not be judgmental. I try so hard to remember that MOST people are just trying to do the best they can for their families. I try to remember that my way isn't the only way. I try to remember that I don't know what people's lives are like, so how dare I judge them...

But, let's face it, I'm a bitch!

There is this woman at the club that I CANNOT stand. She's a freeloader. She's incompetent. She's manipulative, has no ability to control her kids, and is rude.

This woman has her kids (3 out of the 4 in both hours of lessons in the morning, and the other one in for the other hour because that is the only time I teach parent-tot) in as many lessons as we offer. SERIOUSLY!!! I know that we're "allowed" to have our kids take lessons for free, but that's more like daycare! She shows up everyday, even though she's not teaching, and asks if they "need" her. NO! Not yesterday, not today, not tomorrow. I just don't get it. She even admitted to me that she only does it to get her kids free lessons.

I know I'm a bit conservative when it comes to parenting and I'm extraordinarily anal retentive and not everyone is this way. But when my kids were making it difficult for me to teach when I had them in the Parent-tot lessons, I stopped bringing them to lessons. The job comes first. Am I wrong in this perspective? I may only be working a part-time crap wages job, but I still need to do the best job I can - It's my job and my work is a reflection of me and my character. How does someone feel good about doing a shitty job?

If that was the only interaction I had with her, I might be able to stomach it. But it's not. Remember my nightmare first day? She's the mom who sent her 18 month old into the childcare with no diaper. She's the mom who sent her other three kids in to the childcare in their bathing suits - dripping wet. SERIOUSLY!!!!

I don't always dress my kids to the nines. Some days, it's too much to do Jana's hair in a cute way. Maybe they don't always wear cute outfits, but they are clean and have freakin' diapers on!!! How can you not remember diapers? How can you not notice that your kids aren't wearing clothes when they leave the house? How do you not bring a change of clothes for the kids?

She sent her 3 year old into the childcare in a dress, with no underwear on.
She sent her 3 year old into the childcare to feed the 18 month old a snack. What did she feed him? A Southbeach diet bar.
She sent her 5 year old son in wearing a jacket, dripping wet shorts (with no underwear on underneath) in to "play" for two hours.

I know I don't have four kids. I know I'm wired to be this anal retentive. But I have a shocking amount of animosity for this woman. I can't stand her. Everything about her grates on my nerves. Why do I waste this much energy on being completely and utterly disgusted by her? Why does it bother me this much?

She confronted me today about how I was acting "frustrated" toward her. I looked her straight in the eyes and responded in a very sarcastic tone: "You think!!!!" She denied ever sending her son in without a diaper. She denied ever sending her older son in wet. She denied sending he daughter in without underwear. She's a manipulative twit and went on to say that I was the best instructor she has ever seen. She's so impressed with me. As if that is going to make me suddenly forget that I think she's an irresponsible mother and a horrible employee/coworker.

When she admitted that she "didn't have it all together," I was an even bigger bitch and suggested that if she knows she's going to work on Thursday, then maybe she should pack a bag on Wednesday night after the kids go to bed. Then, it's ready to go and there aren't issues like no diapers, no underwear, and no change of clothes. And then in a rude and demeaning tone, I added that she could always right a list about what she needed.

I couldn't believe I was that big of a bitch to her, but at the same time, I can't believe this is getting to me so badly.

How do I just work the job and go home? How do I know feel like I need to pack these poor kids clothes and food for the days I know they are there. The 3 year old told me today that she didn't have breakfast or lunch that day because her mom didn't get her up in time to eat breakfast and then forgot to feed them lunch before naps. SERIOUSLY!

There's my rant.

I know I'm judgmental, even though I don't want to be. I'm not forgiving. I do not give respect after it's been lost - it takes a lot to earn it back. I am extremely unforgiving when it comes to the treatment/mistreatment of children.

And I often think I could do it better - but who knows if I could.

Today is a day that I'm reminded that I'm not as good of a person and I think I am or want to be.

I miss my girls. I saw them for 15 minutes before leaving for work this morning. I saw Jana for 30 minutes after work (Kara was already down for her nap). I saw them for 10 minutes before leaving for work tonight. I saw Kara tonight for long enough to change her diaper, put her in pjs and put her down for the night and Jana I saw long enough to read The Cat in the Hat. I want to cry as I write this - I miss them soooo much.

I miss J. I feel like I never see him. As he puts it, we're two ships passing in the night. He sleeps in and I get him up before I leave for work. During nap time at least one of us is running errands or trying to work out. Then I work all evening and get home in time to go to bed.

I hate that I have to work this schedule. I hate that we can't just lounge all summer. I'm thankful to have a job that gives me flexibility, perks, and is family friendly (kind of). I'm thankful that I have a job.

But I miss my family. I'm so spoiled by being able to be home with my girls as much as I am.

I miss them so much!