Feeling Out of Sorts

Life has changed dramatically in a year. Despite being pregnant and planning for the arrival of my wonderful daughter, I'm amazed at how different of a place I was at last year...

I was 10 weeks pg and saw a heartbeat and the most amazing little person inside of me and was telling everyone I was pg.

I was coaching

I was attending trainings on our new math curriculum.

I was so excited to go back to school (I love the fall with the energy of a new school year, football games, etc).

I was interested in what I was teaching because it was all new Math curriculum.

I was worried about whether I'd feel okay or be cranky with my students.

I was worried about whether the kids would like me or if I'd have a group that I'd have to make hate me so they'd behave.

I wondered how long I'd have to be "mean" to my students before I would be able to be nice because I had "trained" them to behave in my class.

I was worried about whether my soccer team would win games


Now...

I have no desire to go back to school.

I was at school today and didn't go see anyone and I even had Jana with me to show off and I didn't.

I'm nervous about how much stress teaching will put me under and if I can still be a good mommy for the time I may have to teach.

I'm wondering if any of my collegues will still speak to me since I'm leaving.

I'm worried about where on earth I will be able to pump because I am determined to not let work get in the way of me breastfeeding Jana until she's a year.

I'm worried about how it'll be with my baby being away from me. Will she miss me? Will she notice that I'm gone, besides getting fed by a bottle instead of a boob?



I just don't handle change very well and I think it's starting to catch up with me. I've worked hard to handle the changes that have come my way over the last few months in a way that Jana would be able to cope well. I think I've reached my limit though. It isn't that I've been an emotional wreck today, but I've been very high strung and all over the place. I actually forgot whether I'd called someone or not. When I've hit my limit with change, I just start to feel like I'm in a strange place: everything feels weird, there's no feeling of normal, and I don't react like I would normally. I just feel like I have to consciously remind myself to do the normal things.

So, I think I need to start making lists daily to help me find my routine again and make me settle into one in the new house. I need to start feeling like I accomplish things on a daily basis. Since we still have boxes around, I don't feel like I can really clean, so I just don't do anything.

Enough excuses!!! I'm forcing myself to find NORMAL.

I hate that I feel down!

Here I am, living such a blessed life and I can't shake this funk.

Maybe it's AF and hormones, maybe it's fear of the change in career... there are so many excuses, but in the end I should be happy. Yet, I sit here on the verge of tears, as I have been for most of the day.

So, I thought I was pg again, but that was clearly not the case as AF showed up as heavy as I can remember. Did I want to be pg? Yes and no. Am I glad I'm not? Yes and no. I'm sad that I'm not though. I looked at my nephew who's almost 2 1/2 and realized that I probably couldn't experience and enjoy everything like R and L have with him if I had a baby so close to having baby J. I want them to be close in age so they can play together and enjoy each other and maybe even like each other, unlike my siblings did with me (and questionably still do with me). However, would I be cheating Jana out of our focus and enjoyment of her milestones and development if we have another one close in age? I just don't know.

The comments about baby J and her "chubbiness" are getting to me. I'm so scared of becoming my mother. I know I have a weight issues that is far from just weight; it's a head issue to me too. I'm so scared of projecting that onto Jana. I know there are worse things in life than being fat, but I sooooo don't wish that for Jana. Everyone comments on how chubby she is and how cute her chubby cheeks are and I'm starting to get sensitive about it. WHY?!?!?!?! I know babies are supposed to be chubby. I know it's a sign of being healthy, but is she too chubby? Unless my mom is correct and I'm making her fat, I don't know why she'd be chubbier than she's supposed to be. I'm breastfeeding. She nurses 4 times a day and eats rice cereal once a day. I never make her finish a bottle or force her to eat if she doesn't want to. However, it's driving me crazy. The worst thing is that I KNOW that if I don't get over this soon, she's going to pick up on my food and weight issues and I'll hate myself for passing that on to her.

I saw a pic of me and have been struggling to deal with it. I'm fat; I've spent most of my life being fat. The only times I wasn't fat was when I was on a diet or anorexic, or a child but being teased by my siblings for being fat. I don't know how J can look at me, let alone touch me. When I look in the mirror, all I see is fat. I'd be happy if I lost 30 lbs (although I think it's now like 35 since I'm sure I've gained weight back lately). I can't do it on my own and right now I feel like I can't do it at all. They gym is back by our old house which is 20 min away (instead of across the street anymore). Jana's schedule conflicts with running, but I think we're starting to get it worked out a bit better now. However, I can't seem to be able to stop myself from eating junk. It's like I buy it or eat it and then think "why did I do that?". I feel like doing something like LA weightloss is going to be the only way I'll lose it. I need that one on one. However, we're never going to be able to afford it. Plus, doing it before #2 is just dumb, however I don't want to go though my whole pregnancy again just looking fat. It's bordering on obsession again and I don't know how to kick this. I have got to get a handle on this before baby J ever can absorb these unhealthy thoughts and habits.

I'm scared shitless about money. I'm quitting my job and starting a new one that will make just over half of what I made before. I'll need to do a bunch of small other side jobs to make up the difference. We sold the house and were supposed to be able to use that money to pay off as much debt as possible, however I let my wonderful husband talk me into buying this monstrocity of a tv for our livingroom. We can't afford that. What the hell were we thinking? We could have made a huge dent into the debt we're not ending up paying off with that money. This is what we do though. We're never going to be able to get out of debt unless we get this under control.

I'm so scared about my job for next year. What if I don't make enough money? What if we get ourselves into a really bad place and can't get out because I left teaching? What if we can't provide for and take care of baby J because we don't have enough money or I have to take on so many extra jobs that she suffers?

Why do I feel like things are so incredibly out of control right now?

I feel like I barely have my feet under me, but am not going anywhere.

I've fought off tears all day. I held baby J until she fell asleep in my arms after waking screaming and stuffy (teething is my only guess). I know I should have put her down and let her fall asleep in her crib, but I couldn't. I couldn't get enough of holding her. I couldn't get enough of smelling her sweetness, feeling the softness of her skin on my cheek, knowing that I was making her feel good and safe by holding her and talking to her - telling her how much I love her and how wonderful she has made my life.

Yet I sit here with tears streaming down my face. I can't shake this feeling.

I sure hope this is just something related to stress, tiredness, and AF. I really don't want to go through all that I did when I was dealing with depression last time.

And here I am with an incredible husband who loves me (and sometimes I question why), a daughter I adore - that I was able to carry and deliver, that is beautiful and sweet and perfect, family that loves me (in their somewhat misguided way), in-laws who I adore, an education, a career that means something, a house, food, etc.

What is wrong with me?!?!?!?!