Feeling Out of Sorts

Life has changed dramatically in a year. Despite being pregnant and planning for the arrival of my wonderful daughter, I'm amazed at how different of a place I was at last year...

I was 10 weeks pg and saw a heartbeat and the most amazing little person inside of me and was telling everyone I was pg.

I was coaching

I was attending trainings on our new math curriculum.

I was so excited to go back to school (I love the fall with the energy of a new school year, football games, etc).

I was interested in what I was teaching because it was all new Math curriculum.

I was worried about whether I'd feel okay or be cranky with my students.

I was worried about whether the kids would like me or if I'd have a group that I'd have to make hate me so they'd behave.

I wondered how long I'd have to be "mean" to my students before I would be able to be nice because I had "trained" them to behave in my class.

I was worried about whether my soccer team would win games


Now...

I have no desire to go back to school.

I was at school today and didn't go see anyone and I even had Jana with me to show off and I didn't.

I'm nervous about how much stress teaching will put me under and if I can still be a good mommy for the time I may have to teach.

I'm wondering if any of my collegues will still speak to me since I'm leaving.

I'm worried about where on earth I will be able to pump because I am determined to not let work get in the way of me breastfeeding Jana until she's a year.

I'm worried about how it'll be with my baby being away from me. Will she miss me? Will she notice that I'm gone, besides getting fed by a bottle instead of a boob?



I just don't handle change very well and I think it's starting to catch up with me. I've worked hard to handle the changes that have come my way over the last few months in a way that Jana would be able to cope well. I think I've reached my limit though. It isn't that I've been an emotional wreck today, but I've been very high strung and all over the place. I actually forgot whether I'd called someone or not. When I've hit my limit with change, I just start to feel like I'm in a strange place: everything feels weird, there's no feeling of normal, and I don't react like I would normally. I just feel like I have to consciously remind myself to do the normal things.

So, I think I need to start making lists daily to help me find my routine again and make me settle into one in the new house. I need to start feeling like I accomplish things on a daily basis. Since we still have boxes around, I don't feel like I can really clean, so I just don't do anything.

Enough excuses!!! I'm forcing myself to find NORMAL.