Ugh!

Ahhh!

I'm in such a funk right now - I can't stand it.

I'm so done working this much. I feel like I work so many hours, but it's just the way the hours fall - 3.5 hours in the morning and 4 hours shifts on Monday, Thursday, and Friday nights. My pay checks are tiny because it's crappy wages, but the perks are nice... but I just want to spend some time at home with my girls!!!

I feel like a cow! I look in the mirror and I think I look okay (okay, not great), but then I see pictures and I want to cry (and scream at J for letting me leave the house looking like that). I just feel I look gross. I feel like people must look at me and be disgusted. I'm so tired of being fat, but I don't know how to start loosing weight again. I try and then I screw up my eating because I'm too busy to think about it.

I feel horrible. I spent so much money on clothes for Jana. Granted, it was all off of ebay and I got some great deals, but it's all gymboree and I've spent $95. Ugh! Jana has grown so much and can't wear any of her pants from last spring - they are all too short. I bought mostly 4T and some 3T, so in theory these should last her for a while. I stuck with one line, so it's all matching, but I feel guilty now that I see the total. I got her a sweater, a vest (she LOVES vests), a hoody, a sweatsuit, three long sleeve shirts, one short sleeve, one pair of cotton pants, one pair of jeans and a dress. That's 12 items and all the shipping, so it's not bad, but when you add it all together, I feel horribly guilty. Especially since I'd like to get one more shirt and two more pairs of pants.

I don't know if it is because I spent so much money (man, I've changed so much in my spending) or what, but I feel so out of sorts. I just burst into tears looking at my sister in law's blog about my niece. Why? No idea. I guess I miss them, but that is a bit dramatic for me.

I'm sitting here on my couch, watching the Olympics, drinking my coffee this morning. (okay, it's taken me a long time to get back to this post.) I'm showered, I've already worked out and it's a gorgeous morning. I look out the sliding glass door at my beautiful dahlia's, the grass, (the diminishing pile of dirt as we redo the back yard), the girls' sand box, push car, and slide. How wonderful. We're happy, healthy, and doing well. My girls have fun things to play with (gotta love Craigslist) and we had a wonderful time out there last night. How blessed. I have two more days (today and tomorrow) of working mornings and then I'm back to my old schedule of being home during the day. I have so many wonderful things in my life!

So, I'm a little tired. I miss my girls. I'm heavier than I want to be.

My family is healthy. We're working toward financial peace. I adore my husband, warts and amazing talents. My girls are healthy, happy, and developing. We have two sets of grandparents in my girls' lives and, 4 uncles and 5 aunts that adore the girls, great grandparents that involved and so caring to the girls, great aunts and uncles that are wonderful. I have friends that would do anything for me and would be here in a second if I needed them, and I would do the same for them. Other than my weight, I am proud of the person I am.

How great is my life! Now, I feel totally petty for my whining.