Decompressing

Wow this was a crazy week!

Monday we had an in-service day and it was a total waste of time for me. It was on our focus for our professional learning teams (which I won't be there to participate in). My principal did talk to me (shocking, I know) and he said that they had interviews for my replacement set up for this week. (I haven't heard any more about that, but unfortunately see that my job is reposted, but temporary this time. I'm guessing that it will take two or three more weeks to get my replacement in if that is the case).

Thursday I had a horrible fight in my classroom. A little background... we are an innercity school (if there is such a thing). We have a very high %age of hispanics, who seem to be the community with the gang problems right now. We have had only one gang in our school up until this year. This freshman class has a very large group of kids that are in the rival gang. So now we're having huge gang issues and fights on a daily (almost hourly basis). Until today, all the fights I have dealt with have been in the hallway and I've always had help. While the fight in my classroom was not gang related, I thought I would have been better prepared for it.

So, here's the story: We were working in groups. We're currently working on our grammar unit in my Sophomore English class. We're been working on sentence structure and the kids have been working on writing compound, complex, and mixed sentences. So, they each got a section of a story and their jobs were to combine that information into more advanced sentence structures. Then they were to write it on their poster, and we were going to have them piece the story together. Anyway, I'm not in my classroom (my classroom has become the sewing room, so I'm only in there for 2 periods a day) and I teach in the balcony of the auditorium. Because we're so overpopulated, they converted the balconies into two classrooms. So they are huge and have theater seats with the little flip up desks. There is no phone in the room or a call button to the office. There is just a thin wall that seperates the two sides of teh balcony into two classrooms. JROTC is on the other side of the wall.

We're working in our groups and I'm circulating the room. I hear this loud "BANG." I spin around to see one kid's feet and another on top of him beating the living shit out of him. I have no recollection of where I was in the room or how I got to where they were, but next thing I know I'm standing over them, yelling at them to knock it off and get off of each other. The Seagent in the JROTC room heard me and took off running to call the office. I am still yelling at them, because I was not going to get into it. (However horrible this is to say, I am worth more than either one of them; I've got a baby who needs me.) I tell one kid to go across the hall and have the teacher call the office for help. The kids are frozen because they are in total shock. Finally one goes. The kids stop and one student pulls the top kid off and stand between them. I escort that kid into the hallway while the other stays in the room. Finally at that point, another teacher shows up. I think two minutes must have ellapsed even though it felt like much longer than that. The kids are shaken up. I'm a wreck. I grab my principal and start yelling at him at how unsafe it is to have a classroom with no access to the outside world. At one point I know I said, "I know you don't give a shit about me, but Rachel is in there three periods a day. Get a phone in that room! Do it for her, since I know you'd never do it for me." Oops! I had a really hard time getting control of myself again. I was a total wreck. I finally went back in and lost it again. I've never cried in front of students before. I felt so dumb, but I guess at least they know I'm human and even as an adult, I find fights very disturbing. Needless to say, nothing got done for the rest of the class period.

After that, I have not been able to get back my normal enthusiasm. I severly don't trust the kids, which is not like me. I respect my students and treat them like adults... not now. I just feel defeated. I think if I could have, I would have walked away and not come back that day. I'm hoping with some sleep and catching up on my work (not to mention getting over my cold and figuring out what is going on with my body since it is now CD 40 and no AF), that I can dig in and get through the next few weeks.

Friday, I find that a mother has called twice between 3:15 Thursday afternoon and 7:15 Friday morning. Then she proceeds to call two more times before I can call her back at 9:45. She's notorious for yelling at teachers, so I'm dreading this phone call. I call two times and she calls three more times and then I stay late to make contact with her. I couldn't have been more wrong. Her son is in my first period class (the one with the fight) and has a variety of learning issues as well as being autistic. He's such a sweetheart and tries very hard, though. She starts off with how he's struggling and can't seem to get help from me (he's going to the wrong classroom). Then she tells me how much he loves me and loves my class. How I've made such a difference in him already. That he looks forward to coming to school to see me and be in my class first thing in the morning. (Almost made me cry there). Then she proceeds to tell me that I was hand picked by an administrator saying, "This is the teacher you want. You both will love her and she's a great teacher."

(SIde note: So here I am leaving teaching partly because I'm so burned out and hate my school. I feel like I work my ass off every day, year in and out, and am treated like crap by the administration. No one notices or cares what I do. I'm expendible. THey move me back and forth between departments each year and I don't have enough clout to actually move up in the world and start teaching more advanced classes. Yet, now I hear that they think I'm a great teacher and are handpicking me for certain kids because of who I am. Is it so hard to take the time to even say "you're doing a great job" from time to time? Why is it that after 5 years of teaching there, this is the first time I'm hearing anything positive about who I am, how I relate to kids, and what I teach them? No wonder studies have shown that employees that feel valued work harder and are more productive.)

While I soooo needed the ego boost (because I was really starting to feel like I must be a crappy person and/or teacher to not get any ore the jobs I've applied for lately), it really started to hit me that I'm abandoning these kids soon. I confessed to the mom that I was leaving, but haven't told the kids yet. The first thing out of her mouth was, "Oh, shit!" Because of her son's autism, he has become so attached to me that he will grieve me leaving as if I had died. So, now I have a whole other issue to worry about... how do I make sure he does well with me leaving and with my replacement..

I'm really scared about leaving teaching. I'm scared about ever being able to get back into it. I know Jana is more important than any job or any amount of money, but it's a little scary knowing that I may never teach again. Despite my growing frustration lately, I do enjoy it. I love the kids. I love getting students to love learning.


______ ______ _______ _____

Jana's doing really well. Last night her vocalizations really turned from the "aaeeeeee" sounds to "dadagagabaya", etc. She's just absolutely babbling up a storm. It's so stinkin' cute!!!

I am starting to get concerned a bit. She doesn't seem to be getting better at sitting. She was sitting for 15 min at a time, but now leans back against me all the time. I don't know if that's a not wanting to sit thing or a need to be cuddling Mama thing. She's also not making many movements toward crawling. She does move, but it's more of a slow migration than creeping or crawling.

I am amazed at how much I love this kid! She's all that I think about when I'm at school and rush out the door as soon as I can. I stay up until midnight to get work done because I don't want to do any work while she's awake. I won't leave her in the evenings or weekends. I refuse to go anywhere without her. I think I'm the one with seperation anxiety. I feel like I'm this out of control-psycho, overly emotional wreck when I'm not with her. What's wrong with me?

On the same note, since I now feel like I'm going to burst into tears, I have no idea what is going on with my body. Today is CD 39 and no signs of AF. My nipples were really, really sore last week, but not so much now. I feel like I've been bloated for weeks. I'm super sensitive to smells, get dizzy at times, and very, very emotional. I'm exhausted all the time. I know breastfeeding screws with hormones, but really this is ridiculous. I'm going to go crazy every cycle wondering if I'm pg or not. Ugh!

Sleeping beauty awakes. I better go.

Thanks for reading my rantings.