Blind Faith

So I'm a strong believer in the idea that things happen for a reason... whether that reason is a larger plan or your own choices depends on the situation.

In the spring, I felt so fortunate to have the opportunities we had be presented with. I couldn't believe how amazing the job offer was. I could make as much, if not more than what I make teaching, but be able to be home most of the time. Amazing I thought.

I could even teach some on-line classes to make some extra money.


Reality has set in and it's a bitch.

My $30k job will only make me $18k. I didn't get ANY of the on-line teaching jobs. I'm scared out of my mind about how we'll make it. I know we will. I'm willing to do almost anything. If I need to go work as a checker in a grocery store at night so we can have food, you know I'd do it. But it's still scary.

Besides it all being scary, my ego, my pride is so bruised. Not bruised, beaten to hell. I've always prided myself on the fact that I'm a darn good teacher... or so I thought. I push my kids hard. I work had to prepare lessons that teach them something and are interesting. I never take the easy way out and do lame lessons. I get my kids to do things they never thought they were capable of. I have kids come back and thank me for how hard I pushed them and for the skills I taught them. I pride myself on the fact that kids hate me at the beginning of the year because I push them so hard, but by the end of the year, when they are use to working hard, they love me. I connect with kids. I'm able to help them with life issues as well as teach them. I'm respected by 99% of the kids in my school and I haven't had most of them in class; it's all reputation. I hear mutterings all the time of "Yeah, I've had her... she's nice, but she'll kick your butt."

But, here I am two years in a row, not getting the jobs I've requested transfers for. There were 3 last year and many this year. I have a hard time swallowing the idea that I'm not good enough for those jobs. I'd like to think that it has more to do with my union involvement and the other issues in my building, but I can't be sure of that. I am, however, pretty darn sure that once I leave the district, I will never be able to get another job here. That is so incredibly scary, since this is the 2nd largest district in the state and there are only tiny districts around us that rarely have jobs.

I jsut felt as though I couldn't turn down this chance to be home with Jana. I'm so thankful of the amazing opportunities and gifts I have been given this year. But now I'm scared. I know we'll never lose everything; my parents have money and they'd never let that happen, but I don't want to ever get to that point.

I know people make sacrifices all the time for their families and we'll find a way to make it work. But I'm still scared.