Oh, the many things on my mind!

Here's a lot of random babbling, but things that have been weighing me down lately.

My mother:

I have a new understanding of my mother now that I'm a mom, and especially since I'm a mom of a little girl. I have been scared to death of having a little girl because I was/am so afraid I of screwing her up. As a Mom, I know I want to protect and do everything I can so Jana can be happy, healthy, well-adjusted,.... the list goes on and on. And I find myself blaming myself if anything appears to be not going well.

For example, my mom made the comment the other day that I was making Jana fat - that my "bad" eating was causing Jana to put on too much weight and be fat. I realize that my daughter's a chunk, however it was my understanding that my body adjusted my milk to what Jana needs. I don't eat badly; in fact, when I was eating the healthiest ever was when Jana made the huge jump in percentiles from 49th to 75th. Anyway, back on subject.... Once my mom said that, I realized that unless I put an end to it, she would continue to think those comments were okay and I WILL NOT let her give my daughter a complex like I have. But then I started to think about it and I have so many behaviors that will put my issues on Jana. I have to stop those now!!!! I don't wish eating or body issues on anyone. I'd still have to say I'm anorexic/bulimic, but I'm just "clean" if that makes any sense. This is an issue I'll fight forever, but I'm scared to death of putting it on Jana.

Our wills:

My mom brought up the fact that J and I need wills incase something happens to either of us. I hadn't really thought about it. We have life insurance, but I never thought about wills. We also needed to think about who would take care of Jana if something happened to both of us. This last one has been on my mind a lot. Who would I want to love, care for, and raise Jana to be a wonderful person if we couldn't? While I think my sil is a wonderful person and incredible mother (which she's pg again!) and I love my bro, I, for some reason, don't feel like Ryan could love Jana like she was his own (or close to). I say that because he could really careless about seeing her or spending anytime with her and I just get that feeling. My sis loves Jana and they're not so successful right now at having their own kids and I'd hate for Jana to be an only child (nothing against only children, I just want her to have siblings and grow up in that atmosphere). Meg isn't even close to being ready. Not by process of elimination at all, but I think I would want Pat and Sarah to raise Jana. They both love her so much and I think they are going to be amazing parents. I know they would love her and treat her like their own. (and now I'm getting teary... gotta love PMS). The only issue is they live so far away from both my parents and his. I would hate for them to not get to see her often. What a depressing subject!!!! Moving on.

To birth control or not to birth control:

So AF showed up tonight. Which was good because I was having either pg or AF symptoms and was getting a little worried. However, I have to say I really have no problem being in the not trying, but not preventing catagory. Is that wrong? I got lectured by my friends (none of which have kids) about how it's so bad to have them close together and I "better not get pg again." Beside it being none of their damn business, we want our kids to be close in age. We know it'll be hard, but at the same time I see my siblings, his siblings, our neighbor's kids and the kids within or around two years apart get a long well and have a very special relationship. That doesn't mean we're going to start trying, because right now they'd only be 15 months apart and we're aiming for 18 to 26 months apart. I've got a job for at least the next two years that would be flexible for me and I wouldn't have to worry about my job, like I would with teaching. Is it wrong that I'd be okay with getting pg in a few months? I've lost the pg weight and some more, so I'm lighter, but not in as good of shape. I know that we'd get shit from friends and my parents, but it's our damn decision. Back off!!!! Wow, I must be pmsing, I just had to edit our the f word.

I'm too tired to keep going so I'll wrap it up. My wonderful daughter had a bad tummy ache and woke up at 4:30. She screemed from 5:00 until 6:00 when I finally nursed her (our dr got mad at me for feeding her if she woke up in the morning, but I couldn't do anything else). Three poopy diapers later, she fell back asleep by 7:00 and slept until 10:30. Needless to say we're tired. I'm so proud of J, he actually got up and helped me with her this morning. I was shocked and so incredibly thankful.