The World of "IF" not "When"

I don't think I could have ever anticipated how hard this Mother's Day was going to be.

We took my in-laws out to breakfast at our favorite restaurant. We had a great time and great food. We went to their new house that is being built and then hung out at their house for a while. It was really fun, but awkward at the same time. I just kept feeling like it was a sad day for my MIL too. She might have been a grandmother by now.

It's been harder lately.

I went off BCPs a year ago. I know it hasn't been a year of ttc straight through, but it still feels like forever. The old feelings of incompetancy are back.

I don't think I have ever noticed how many commercials there are leading up to mother's day. They all drive me nuts.

I can't help but start to feel like it'll never happen. Dh and FIL were making comments about "when". Before I even thought about it I corrected him by say "if".

I am definitely living in a world of "if" not "when."

The world of "IF" is a lonely place. I am surrounded by people who either have them or don't want them. They don't know "if." Dh has a convoluded dream that it is only "when" not "IF." All he sees is unexplained "grumpiness."

When I asked him when we should start trying again his response was "I'd rather sooner than later." But then why do I feel like I'm in this all alone?

I see the way some people look at me. They're the ones that knew that we were trying and had a m/c. They look at me with pity. I don't want to be pitied. Don't look at me like I'm some incompetant who can't have a baby. They look at me like they wonder what's wrong with me.

Here's to another fabulous Monday!