I'm so done!

First- for those of you who have not heard, I have a new blog. We have so many friends and family that are not near our girls, that I set up a blog where they can see pictures and read updates on the girls. So all the posts about the girls will be on my new blog and then this will be for my private thoughts (what it was originally intended for). My profile now only takes you to the new one (blueeyedbabes.blogspot.com), but this one (obviously) still exists.

Because this is now private again... PUT A FORK IN ME BECAUSE I'M DONE!!! (not really, but I feel like I've got nothing left to give).

Pardon the bitching, but writing is how I work through things, so here I go.

I am so exasperated! I do not know how to get my child to sleep. Kara was AGAIN up at 1, 3, and 5. I can't do this for much longer. She's 4 months old and there is no logical explanation for why she's not sleeping through. She's 15 lbs, so she's big enough. I've never nursed her to sleep or rocked her to sleep, so she has always gone down away and put herself to sleep. She's been napping in her crib exclusively for over a month now. We have even gotten rid of the binkie so that isn't her reason for not being able to go back asleep. We've tried swaddled and unswaddled. We've tried different napping routines during the day. We've tried earlier bed times. NOTHING MAKES A DIFFERENCE. The biggest issue is now that we aren't using a binkie, nursing is really the only thing that calms her down at night when she wakes up. I'm at a loss. I can't keep doing this and I refuse to give up my running in the mornings. I can't stomach crying it out and she only escalates (as we've experienced in the car) to the point that she's sweating and hyperventilating from crying so hard. We've read 3 different books and nothing seems to be helping. I know it isn't her fault. I don't believe she's doing this to be manipulative. There are times that she wakes up and she is able to put herself back down.

Other than being tired, why is it bothering me so much? Because my house is cluttered with toys (and we have even packed up two boxes and put other toys in the garage). Because it is cluttered with toys, it's hard to clean up. Because it's hard to clean up J leaves his shit everywhere. So therefore, my house is a shithole that I clean every day and I can't stand it. If Kara were sleeping through the night, we would be having the girls bunk together. That would leave Jana's room open as a playroom and I could reclaim my house. But alas, we're back to problem #1 - not sleeping!

Why are men so useless!?!?!?!?!

I love my husband. He's a wonderful man. He can be very thoughtful, loving, and caring. He's a wonderful father to the girls. But he's lazy as hell and if given the choice, he'll sit on his ass and do nothing.

Case in point: Yesterday. He rode a 100 mile bike ride on Sunday and has one this Sunday (and one next Sunday). I'm trying very hard to be supportive and make sure he's getting sleep and healthy dinners, etc. But, (again), I'm done!!! He came home yesterday and plopped on the couch. I volunteer to mow the yard (which is at least a foot tall in the back yard) for him so he can spend time with the girls. I figure this is a great trade off - I need some time alone and outside because we've been home all day, he doesn't want to mow the yard and he hasn't had a lot of time with the girls. THREE HOURS LATER!!!! I had to edge (because as I said, it was over a foot tall) and I had to mow twice because it was too thick so I had to raise the blade. I also had to weed the front yard because we have an aspen that is throwing chutes everywhere. Well, I missed dinner and came in to put the girls to bed. After getting Kara down, we went into Jana's room to start her night time routine. J comes in with his HP book and starts reading! What the hell?!?!?! So, he expects me now to change her, get her in her pjs, read books and put her down while he gets to sit and do his pleasure reading? I think not! So I tell him that I'm going down to eat and I'll be back in a little bit. When I came back up, he's still reading and she's still dressed. ugh! We put Jana to bed and he's complaining about how she's such a mama's girl right now. I suggest that he starts doing the fun stuff of bedtime (bathing, reading, cuddling, and putting her in her crib) and that can be their special bonding time. His response: "I'm too tired!"

I'm pooped after the yard work so I finish eating and go to bed.

What do I find this morning when I get up (remember I get up at 5:30 so I can run before he leaves for work and before the girls wake up because there is no other "convenient" time unless I wait until they go to bed)? Not a single dish has been done. There are sippy cups still on the floor of the kitchen. Jana's spilled food is still on the table. He then tells me the dog puked and I need to clean the spot of the carpet and I should do a load of towels. He knew I had a whole bunch of errands to run today, so why is he telling me to do these things? Because he'd rather watch one of his DVR'ed tv shows while eating breakfast than do it himself.

MY DAY TODAY:

So after I got home from running, I spent 45 minutes cleaning the kitchen and starting the laundry. Before I could get into the shower, Kara wakes up. I sped through a shower so I could get to her before she starts screaming and then Jana wakes up at the exact same time. We get dressed, eat, and are ready to start our errands and Kara melts down. She is inconsolable. I put her in her crib and she settles down for a nap - errands postponed. Kara woke up an hour and a half later and we are off on our errands at 10:30 instead of 9:00. I get to the bank to get my Soc. Sec. card out of the safety deposit box and my phone rings. J wants me to take the team shirts for the race this weekend to someone to have something printed on them that he forgot. I have to go pick it up from him and deliver it. Fine, add another errand on to the list.

Have you ever tried to get into the vault to get something out of the safety deposit box with a baby and a toddler - I don't recommend it. Jana was touching everything and trying to open things with the car keys - ugh! Thank goodness the woman had a sense of humor.

Next we go pick up our textbooks for the class we're taking and I meet up with J to get the t-shirt stuff and then drop off one of the books at a friend's house. I get to the t-shirt shop, unload both girls, load up the basket in the stroller with all the t-shirts and carry Jana and the stroller up the stairs and into the shop... "Hello" *silence* "Hello!" *silence* "Anyone here?" The sign says "Open, come in!" but nobody is there. I wander throughout the whole store and there is no sign of anyone. I even called all the numbers I could find... nobody. I turn around and carry Jana and the stroller back down the steps to the car. Oh, yeah and Kara woke up during this stop and is now awake, again.

We head to the other end of town to lawl since I haven't been in two weeks. I get there and... both girls are sound asleep in the back seat. I put Kara in the stroller that carries her car seat and I have to wake Jana up to carry her in. We get in there and Jana is so overtired (by the way, it is only noon) that she is in hyper drive and running up and down the halls. The girl I met with lectured me about how I haven't been recording and I need to find a way to put myself first or I'll stop losing weight, which is one of the things I paid all that money for - so someone will get on my case when I'm not doing what I should be doing.

We leave and Kara has a complete melt down. I end up having to pull into the parking lot of fred meyer's so I can feed her. Jana then has a melt down because we're not moving and she's strapped into her car seat. I try to change both girls' pants (in the front seat because the back end is full of two strollers and a whole bunch of t-shirts). I get both girls back into their car seats eventually and Jana is throwing a huge fit and Kara is still crying.

I head to the place where I'm supposed to get my teaching license stamped so I can sub in this one district. They only do this for subs between 2 and 4 on Thursdays. It's 1 and we're 25 minutes from home and I have no other options, so we go in. We get in there to find out that there's a whole application process to become part of a subbing network so I can sub for that one district... and she can't help me until 2. So Jana's climbing on and off of the chairs in the waiting area and trying to grab the pen out of my hands as I try to fill out the paper work. The girl tells me she can't help me until someone comes back from lunch to help with the phones. Fine. We wait. The other person shows up and I give her a few minutes and then ask if she's ready for us. Uh, no. We wait. Finally at 1:45 she helps us. Jana is so out of control and melting down. Kara just wants to be held. She starts processing my paper work and says "It'll be $7." (Embarrassing part: We're broke and I mean broke. I haven't had a paycheck of any kind since June and haven't had a real paycheck since May - hence why I'm trying to sub.) I mention to her that it really would have been nice if someone had mentioned this to me EITHER TIME I CALLED! "Oh, sorry". I luckily could scrounge $7 our of my change purse to give her. (There went my secret stash of money for a soda or coffee treat.) We finally get it all taken care of and the girls screamed the whole way home.

Thank goodness I could get both of them to nap when we got home. Kara slept from 2:30 until 4:30 and Jana is just now starting to make noise at almost 5:00.

I'd like to just say "what a day", but this seems to be more common than not.

I can't keep up this pace.

J was home for 5 minutes before he left to go to the bank and to drop off the t-shirts. He also informed me that he has grades due tomorrow, so he needs to spend all evening grading.

How do people do this so gracefully? Or is it a charade and everyone is this harried, but we all just hide it to give off the impression of being put together?

And here's my selfish whining...

When do I get time for myself? I spend all day feeding Kara and trying to keep her on a napping schedule and provide Jana with stimulating activities. Then I have to clean (I'm discovering that the best activities for Jana are quite messy), make dinner, do the laundry, etc. It would be one thing if I was just cleaning up after the two girls, but I feel like I'm cleaning up after J too. And now I need to find more ways to earn some money because my new contract is for $8k less than last year's, we also are short the $5k from teaching those two months last year, and $5k from teaching on line. So, essentially I'm making $18k less than last year and we can't afford that. So I'm trying to get on in some districts to do some subbing. I'm even willing to try to work evenings/nights or weekends at say even Target, but he says no.

I just can't get everything done and it's killing me. I can't seem to be super mom and super wife. I really don't want to give up my running and weight loss because they are the only things I do for me right now and I need them.

Please don't think for a second that I don't love being home, but I just can't seem to be able to keep up with all the responsibilities put on me while I'm staying home.

Sorry for the excessively whiny post!