Just Hitting Me

Holy smokes! I went back and read my last post and it struck me.

I had a kid in my classroom that is a murderer. Not just murdered, but stabbed him to death.

Now that I think about it, how freaky it is that I had this kid in my class. I even got into confrontations with him about his behavior in my class.

I can't even imagine what could have been going on his head to get him to that point. What goes through someone's mind to rationalize those actions? How could one even think those actions are reasonable?

The gang issues there are one of the reasons I have no desire to go back to my old school. It is also the main reason we moved out of our old house.

I just can't even begin to wrap my brain around this. I just feel ill. This kid was in my classroom and I pushed his buttons to get him to work.

How does one live with this? How do I rationalize that one of my students killed another person? It's not just someone over there. This is a kid, with a face that was in my classroom most days. This is a kid I didn't reach. This is a kid with no future now.

How do I accept that I didn't help this kid? Did I do enough?