Putting my thoughts down to help sort through them

First, I'm tired... very, very tired. I'm doing a horrible job of balancing my hours at the gym, my time with the girls, trying to keep my house up, and my hours on the contract work I'm doing. All of that leads to me doing a half-assed job on pretty much everything.

I am hesitant to put these into words because part of me feels like if I complain about this (that I know I'm very fortunate to have) something will fall through and we'll be in big trouble.

I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else, but I feel like if I'm not grateful enough, something bad will happen. I swear, I'm going crazy as I get older. :-)

I heard back from the gym about the job. I didn't necessarily get the job, but I got invited to go to the training so that I can be considered for the job. It's kind of like a 3 step process. First the interview. Next, training. Then, prove to be a good instructor, then get the job. I'm a little worried about the risk associated with this for me. I have to pay $300 to get trained. Then IF I get a regular class to teach, and teach something like 50 hours, then I get the $300 back. But someone pointed out to me this afternoon - if I don't do it, won't that show that I'm not as committed as I thought I was and then they won't consider me for other jobs?!?!?! What if I'm not good at teaching the class? How will they know if I'm good or not before I get a class to teach? (Edit: I just found out that as long as I'm good, I have a better chance of getting classes. He just told me that he's looking to fill holes as well as get rid of bad teachers. Won't make me popular, but at least that means there's a better shot for me to get a job!)

A colleague found out for me that the other Dept. of Ed still wants to hire me and is processing my contract.

I also found out today that my normal job will most likely be even smaller than last year. ugh! I guess there are more of us doing it, meaning we all get fewer jobs, thus less money. One of the people that I really enjoy working with is leaving. Most of the jobs are on the east side of the state - meaning being away from home for a week at a time.

We've already arranged with my inlaws that they will babysit the girls every Friday, so I can sub one day every week.

The down side of doing these jobs is that I go through this every year - not knowing if we'll make enough money, not knowing how I'm going to make it, etc. Every summer/fall I feel like I'm going to have anxiety attacks every time I think about it, but it seems to have worked out so far. I'll say a little prayer, cross my fingers, etc. whatever will help!