Here I go.

So I made a decision today... well, actually last night, but put it into action today.

I was downloading pictures from J's hard drive that he downloaded from his parents and brother. I am always the one taking our pictures, so I hardly ever see pictures of myself. I saw a picture of me sitting down and saw... rolls. I just about puked - I was so nauseous seeing myself.

I have a ridiculously strong desire to delete everyone's copies of pictures of me, because I am so humiliated by how I look in them. So that leaves me with one of two options when it comes to pictures: either not be in any pictures throughout my children's lives (like my mother) or get off my ass and do something about it.

I watched the Shaq show about the obese kids and they showed the two parents of one of the kids and my first thought was: oh, that explains why the kid is so fat. My next thought was who the hell am I to talk and it also dawned on me that I'm setting that same example for my girls.

I don't want my girls to see me as fat and unhealthy. I don't want my girls to see me struggling to lose weight. I don't want this to be a lifetime preoccupation. I want my girls to see me at a healthy weight, eating healthy, and exercising for fun and my health. That's the example I want to set. I watched my mom yo-yo diet and go from a size 20 to an 8 and back again many times. She was obsessed and closet binged.

I heard Oprah say something this week about how she wasted her 30s by being so obsessed with her weight. I have two little girls who need me to get over it and spend that time and energy on them. I know some people aren't bothered by their weight - I'm not one of them. I feel gross and it affects what I do, how I approach people, my sex life, my mood, I could go on.

So, here I say it and will need to keep reminding myself of this as I go.

I'M DONE BEING FAT AND WASTING ENERGY ON WORRYING ABOUT BEING FAT.

This person in this fat body is not who I am and if I don't take care of this now, before my girls can remember this, I will not be the mom I want to be. I'm not trying to offend anyone who is overweight and fine with it. I made myself a promise the moment Jana was born. I promised myself that I would never put pressure on her for her weight and would instill healthy habits. I want her to feel good about her appearance and who she is. But most of all, I don't want to be my mother. I want to be the model of a strong (mentally, emotionally, and physically) female in their lives. I want them to see me as healthy and active. I don't want them to see me obsessing about my weight and have it rub off on them.

I always said I didn't want to have girls because I was afraid I would screw them up. I have spent my entire life (or at least as far back as I can remember) being embarrassed about my weight. I felt like my mom's example told me I needed to be self-conscious of my weight (even though I wore the same size as all my "skinny" friends) as early as elementary school.

So, this is it. Good bye fat. Good bye obsession. Good bye waste of time and energy.

I know it is going to take time, especially since I am still nursing, but I want to get started now. Saying that I'm waiting until I'm done nursing is just giving me a feeling of hopelessness.

So, today I joined L A Weightloss. I am planning on losing 46 lbs. That should take me to a healthy (not super skinny) weight that I can maintain. I don't want to lose more than that right now because I am not sure that I can maintain it and I don't want to set myself up for failure.

I did a ton of research before I joined. I know all of the negatives and feel I am choosing this for the right reasons. I'm not looking for an easy way out. I'm not looking for a miracle cure. I'm looking for a plan that I need to follow and work my ass off at and someone to sit with me and look at my food diary and tell me what I'm doing right and wrong. I need individual accountability, not group anonymity.

When I went in, I told them upfront that I wasn't going to take their supplements or eat their bars. I'm nursing and not going to put the chemicals that they put in those bars into my daughter. I also told them that I didn't even want to have the conversation about them, so I made her write it down that I was not to be talked to about the "extras."

So, here I go. Changing my life.

For whom? For these two.






Here is the only picture I have on my computer where I don't cringe at how I look. In fact, despite thinking I was fat at the time, I could live with being this size again. This was right after we got married.

This isn't a flattering picture either, but this is from our wedding and again, I think I could live being this size again.